Well, I think we cannot just push disability into oblivion like this. saying that "I feel eyes are the greatest distractions for anyone ." etc. just reinforces false defense mechanisms we all have inbuilt. Love is never unconditional, believe it or not.
So, only a person who is able to relevantly take cognizance of disability and live with it can be a good life partner... -----Original Message----- From: accessindia-boun...@accessindia.org.in [mailto:accessindia-boun...@accessindia.org.in] On Behalf Of Subramani L Sent: Monday, December 12, 2011 8:06 AM To: accessindia@accessindia.org.in Cc: unitee-education-c...@googlegroups.com Subject: Re: [AI] Of disclosing 'disability' before marriage Hai folks: Enjoyed the great discussion. I feel trust and love are the two important ingredients of a loving companionship and not eye contacts. In fact, as someone who has seen the world and living without sight now, I feel eyes are the greatest distractions for anyone . I support being honest and get the bad news upfront. This is an emotional thing, a heart's thing and we may fail or succeed, but what matters is that we went ahead and made our attempt. If someone agrees to marry you because you can see or physically unchallenged, then such a decision is made on false sense of security. Anyone can go blind or deaf or mute, even lose mental composure any time in our lives. the only permanent thing in life is the fact that we could love someone without our disability affecting us. So be honest and don't worry about your future. Particularly, don't come to conclusions from discussions we have here, because everyone's life is unique and there can't be an exact repeat of one's experience in another's life. Don't have pre-conceived notions about getting a life partner. Be positive and be prepared any way to lead your life as you wish it. Marriage doesn't mean you control that person. You just live together and extend the trust and love to that person.. That trust can be betrayed, but it never makes you any less of a human being. You still had the larger heart to love someone who could change her stance believing in that false sense of security. Remember "it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all". Choose the right worthy and sensible partner who reciprocates your love. Enjoy that moment and forget the future, because who knows about it any way. regards, Subbu On 12/10/11, Shadab Husain <shadab...@gmail.com> wrote: > Of disclosing 'disability' before marriage > There was a time when my mother and sister were searching a bride for > me. I had insisted to have my visual 'disability' (as others call it) > be totally disclosed. People initially showed interest and willingness > in my proposal, but the moment my Retinitis Pigmentosa-caused > blindness was disclosed, either they did not carry the issue further > or politely tendered their refusals. > > My parents and sister used to feel sorry for this, and they found it > difficult to tell me that I again am being refused for the fear that I > will get disheartened. But I had not committed a guilty or shameful > act due to which I was facing rejections, so I saw no reason to get > disheartened. Indeed, the fact that people were interested in me until > my blindness was disclosed was a positive point for me. I have not > caused my blindness; it is caused due to reasons beyond my control, > then why to feel sorry over it? Yet, I must confess that sometimes I > used to feel dejected, but there was light at the end of the tunnel. > > We had a very old friendship with a family. They used to frequent us > often, and once all of a sudden my mother kept my marriage proposal to > them. They gladly agreed, the mother of my supposed wife merrily > telling us "What is the use of asking? My daughter is yours, we know > your son, he is our child, everything is settled." > > Both the families came in the mood to have a great celebration. > Marriage celebrations or their preparations seem to be so divine that > we feel as if everyone, even our bloodthirsty enemies, are loving and > blessing us in their hearts. The noteworthy thing was that we had > visited each other so much that it was clear that they know about my > blindness. Moreover, my sister too has RP, and they had helped her > often. Yet my sight problem was impressed upon them. But they just did > not listen to us and even told my sister not to talk about that issue > again as if it was hurting them. > > Marriage is a big thing. Everything was clear but I felt some > uneasiness and requested to talk with the girl because I did not want > to take chances. > > We went to meet them. It turned out that they were not taking my sight > problem seriously because they were thinking that I have enough sight > to do my work on my own. For instance, they knew that I work on > computers and move around the city and out of the city independently > (at the time these talks were taking place I was out of station). But > the astonishing thing was that they could not realise that in the > course of time I have become blind. > > I told her mother point-blank: "I can only see light. I am looking > towards your face because of your voice. I use screen reading > technology to work on computers. And I use a cane when I walk alone. I > cannot see." > > She gave a pause. That pause clearly expressed that she was broken. > (Later, I came to know from my mother that her hands were shaking at > that time.) Then I talked with the girl who had already known about > the new condition I was in. She sounded perplexed and disinclined. > > Their reaction, though, was normal. Anyone would have reacted in a > similar manner after knowing about my blindness. My marriage date was > to be fixed, but now they needed time and told us that they were > unaware that I had lost my sight. I thought that the game was over. > > But I was wrong. > > Days passed. One good evening, the mother of the > girl-who-could-be-my-wife came to our home and started showering > praises on me. She talked to me in a tearfully sympathetic tone, > though I had not needed it. Apologising from her expressions and tone, > she told us that her daughter was not willing to marry me. I was > thankful because if this condition had disclosed after marriage, I > would have been in great trouble. > > At my home, I gave a small party to my friends, and called it 'In the > name of my cancelled marriage'! It was meant to truly celebrate life; > it was not one of those Bollywood parties in which bottles are > uncorked, there is false enjoyment all around, and the main character > ineptly tries to forget his grief in the make-believe. Thankfully, we > really enjoyed our party, and since my room is quite separated, we > made a lot of noise until the early hours of the morning. > > Days passed. Wham! The mother of the girl-who-could-be-my-wife told > us that her daughter wants to marry me! She was deeply moved by that > honesty stuff. Earlier too, that delicate creature had cried and > prayed for me a lot, on hearing that I have become blind. Her family > members, too, had prayed and cried, and now the girl was willing to > marry me. It was a U-turn! > > Can you even guess what happened after that? Celebrations, excitement, > religious and cultural rituals... no, nothing of the sort. > > I was not very impressed with prayers and tears. (Though I always beg > for God's mercy and crave for prayers of His creations.) I had earlier > told my sister that they have the right to reject me, but acceptance > after rejection will not affect me. > > I remained a bachelor. > > I started to train myself to lead an unmarried life. I found many > people (including two blind men) who were very sufficiently leading a > lonesome life and asked myself: "If they can do it, why cannot I?" > > Living alone is difficult, but not impossible. Loneliness humbles you, > brings forth your good qualities and teaches you how to be happy in > need. It is a lovely teacher which urges you to be independent of all > except God. > > I was not pessimistic to adopt such an approach; I only tried to be > practical. Had I been pessimistic, I would have told my family members > not to search a bride for me because "I want to live alone." Besides, > I have a small rule of life, which is to try to be happy in an > unnatural or adverse situation, but never to willingly prolong or > embrace it. True, bearing pain patiently brings forth our good > qualities, but this does not mean that we don't take steps to > eliminate it. > > I lived and enjoyed the present without caring about the future. I > pursued my hobbies (reading, writing and travelling) and tried not to > miss a chance to improve myself. > > Days passed. The final shot readers! One fine evening I was introduced > to a girl by my mother and sister to whom I told each and everything > about my sight. It is close to midnight now, and guess what....that > girl is with me because thankfully she is my wife! > > ----- > Shadab Husain works as a receptionist at Chhatrapati Shahuji Maharaj > Medical University, Lucknow. He has an MA in English literature, and > has pursued a diploma in computer applications as well as a > personality development course. He also writes a blog on personality > development and improving English. To visit his blog, click > PersonalityAndEnglish.blogspot.com. > > http://retinaindia.blogspot.com/2011/11/of-disclosing-disability-before.html > > -- > Develop your personality and English at > http://PersonalityAndEnglish.blogspot.com/ > > > Search for old postings at: > http://www.mail-archive.com/accessindia@accessindia.org.in/ > > To unsubscribe send a message to > accessindia-requ...@accessindia.org.in > with the subject unsubscribe. > > To change your subscription to digest mode or make any other changes, please > visit the list home page at > http://accessindia.org.in/mailman/listinfo/accessindia_accessindia.org.in > > -- L. Subramani, Snr. Subeditor, Deccan Herald, Bangalore, M: 91-9886046612 "You see and ask why? I dream and ask why not?" 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