Is the very reason why I said eyes or the lack of it cannot be a constraint.
On 12/12/11, Subramani L <lsubramani.v...@gmail.com> wrote: > Is the very reason why I said eyes or the lack of it can be a constraint. > > Subbu > > On 12/12/11, Asudani, Rajesh <rajeshasud...@rbi.org.in> wrote: >> Well, I think we cannot just push disability into oblivion like this. >> saying that "I feel eyes are the greatest distractions for anyone ." etc. >> just reinforces false defense mechanisms we all have inbuilt. >> Love is never unconditional, believe it or not. >> >> So, only a person who is able to relevantly take cognizance of disability >> and live with it can be a good life partner... >> >> >> -----Original Message----- >> From: accessindia-boun...@accessindia.org.in >> [mailto:accessindia-boun...@accessindia.org.in] On Behalf Of Subramani L >> Sent: Monday, December 12, 2011 8:06 AM >> To: accessindia@accessindia.org.in >> Cc: unitee-education-c...@googlegroups.com >> Subject: Re: [AI] Of disclosing 'disability' before marriage >> >> Hai folks: >> >> Enjoyed the great discussion. I feel trust and love are the two >> important ingredients of a loving companionship and not eye contacts. >> In fact, as someone who has seen the world and living without sight >> now, I feel eyes are the greatest distractions for anyone . I support >> being honest and get the bad news upfront. This is an emotional thing, >> a heart's thing and we may fail or succeed, but what matters is that >> we went ahead and made our attempt. If someone agrees to marry you >> because you can see or physically unchallenged, then such a decision >> is made on false sense of security. Anyone can go blind or deaf or >> mute, even lose mental composure any time in our lives. the only >> permanent thing in life is the fact that we could love someone without >> our disability affecting us. So be honest and don't worry about your >> future. Particularly, don't come to conclusions from discussions we >> have here, because everyone's life is unique and there can't be an >> exact repeat of one's experience in another's life. Don't have >> pre-conceived notions about getting a life partner. Be positive and be >> prepared any way to lead your life as you wish it. Marriage doesn't >> mean you control that person. You just live together and extend the >> trust and love to that person.. That trust can be betrayed, but it >> never makes you any less of a human being. You still had the larger >> heart to love someone who could change her stance believing in that >> false sense of security. Remember "it's better to have loved and lost >> than never to have loved at all". Choose the right worthy and sensible >> partner who reciprocates your love. Enjoy that moment and forget the >> future, because who knows about it any way. >> >> regards, >> >> Subbu >> >> >> On 12/10/11, Shadab Husain <shadab...@gmail.com> wrote: >>> Of disclosing 'disability' before marriage >>> There was a time when my mother and sister were searching a bride for >>> me. I had insisted to have my visual 'disability' (as others call it) >>> be totally disclosed. People initially showed interest and willingness >>> in my proposal, but the moment my Retinitis Pigmentosa-caused >>> blindness was disclosed, either they did not carry the issue further >>> or politely tendered their refusals. >>> >>> My parents and sister used to feel sorry for this, and they found it >>> difficult to tell me that I again am being refused for the fear that I >>> will get disheartened. But I had not committed a guilty or shameful >>> act due to which I was facing rejections, so I saw no reason to get >>> disheartened. Indeed, the fact that people were interested in me until >>> my blindness was disclosed was a positive point for me. I have not >>> caused my blindness; it is caused due to reasons beyond my control, >>> then why to feel sorry over it? Yet, I must confess that sometimes I >>> used to feel dejected, but there was light at the end of the tunnel. >>> >>> We had a very old friendship with a family. They used to frequent us >>> often, and once all of a sudden my mother kept my marriage proposal to >>> them. They gladly agreed, the mother of my supposed wife merrily >>> telling us "What is the use of asking? My daughter is yours, we know >>> your son, he is our child, everything is settled." >>> >>> Both the families came in the mood to have a great celebration. >>> Marriage celebrations or their preparations seem to be so divine that >>> we feel as if everyone, even our bloodthirsty enemies, are loving and >>> blessing us in their hearts. The noteworthy thing was that we had >>> visited each other so much that it was clear that they know about my >>> blindness. Moreover, my sister too has RP, and they had helped her >>> often. Yet my sight problem was impressed upon them. But they just did >>> not listen to us and even told my sister not to talk about that issue >>> again as if it was hurting them. >>> >>> Marriage is a big thing. Everything was clear but I felt some >>> uneasiness and requested to talk with the girl because I did not want >>> to take chances. >>> >>> We went to meet them. It turned out that they were not taking my sight >>> problem seriously because they were thinking that I have enough sight >>> to do my work on my own. For instance, they knew that I work on >>> computers and move around the city and out of the city independently >>> (at the time these talks were taking place I was out of station). But >>> the astonishing thing was that they could not realise that in the >>> course of time I have become blind. >>> >>> I told her mother point-blank: "I can only see light. I am looking >>> towards your face because of your voice. I use screen reading >>> technology to work on computers. And I use a cane when I walk alone. I >>> cannot see." >>> >>> She gave a pause. That pause clearly expressed that she was broken. >>> (Later, I came to know from my mother that her hands were shaking at >>> that time.) Then I talked with the girl who had already known about >>> the new condition I was in. She sounded perplexed and disinclined. >>> >>> Their reaction, though, was normal. Anyone would have reacted in a >>> similar manner after knowing about my blindness. My marriage date was >>> to be fixed, but now they needed time and told us that they were >>> unaware that I had lost my sight. I thought that the game was over. >>> >>> But I was wrong. >>> >>> Days passed. One good evening, the mother of the >>> girl-who-could-be-my-wife came to our home and started showering >>> praises on me. She talked to me in a tearfully sympathetic tone, >>> though I had not needed it. Apologising from her expressions and tone, >>> she told us that her daughter was not willing to marry me. I was >>> thankful because if this condition had disclosed after marriage, I >>> would have been in great trouble. >>> >>> At my home, I gave a small party to my friends, and called it 'In the >>> name of my cancelled marriage'! It was meant to truly celebrate life; >>> it was not one of those Bollywood parties in which bottles are >>> uncorked, there is false enjoyment all around, and the main character >>> ineptly tries to forget his grief in the make-believe. Thankfully, we >>> really enjoyed our party, and since my room is quite separated, we >>> made a lot of noise until the early hours of the morning. >>> >>> Days passed. Wham! The mother of the girl-who-could-be-my-wife told >>> us that her daughter wants to marry me! She was deeply moved by that >>> honesty stuff. Earlier too, that delicate creature had cried and >>> prayed for me a lot, on hearing that I have become blind. Her family >>> members, too, had prayed and cried, and now the girl was willing to >>> marry me. It was a U-turn! >>> >>> Can you even guess what happened after that? Celebrations, excitement, >>> religious and cultural rituals... no, nothing of the sort. >>> >>> I was not very impressed with prayers and tears. (Though I always beg >>> for God's mercy and crave for prayers of His creations.) I had earlier >>> told my sister that they have the right to reject me, but acceptance >>> after rejection will not affect me. >>> >>> I remained a bachelor. >>> >>> I started to train myself to lead an unmarried life. I found many >>> people (including two blind men) who were very sufficiently leading a >>> lonesome life and asked myself: "If they can do it, why cannot I?" >>> >>> Living alone is difficult, but not impossible. Loneliness humbles you, >>> brings forth your good qualities and teaches you how to be happy in >>> need. It is a lovely teacher which urges you to be independent of all >>> except God. >>> >>> I was not pessimistic to adopt such an approach; I only tried to be >>> practical. Had I been pessimistic, I would have told my family members >>> not to search a bride for me because "I want to live alone." Besides, >>> I have a small rule of life, which is to try to be happy in an >>> unnatural or adverse situation, but never to willingly prolong or >>> embrace it. True, bearing pain patiently brings forth our good >>> qualities, but this does not mean that we don't take steps to >>> eliminate it. >>> >>> I lived and enjoyed the present without caring about the future. I >>> pursued my hobbies (reading, writing and travelling) and tried not to >>> miss a chance to improve myself. >>> >>> Days passed. The final shot readers! One fine evening I was introduced >>> to a girl by my mother and sister to whom I told each and everything >>> about my sight. It is close to midnight now, and guess what....that >>> girl is with me because thankfully she is my wife! >>> >>> ----- >>> Shadab Husain works as a receptionist at Chhatrapati Shahuji Maharaj >>> Medical University, Lucknow. He has an MA in English literature, and >>> has pursued a diploma in computer applications as well as a >>> personality development course. He also writes a blog on personality >>> development and improving English. To visit his blog, click >>> PersonalityAndEnglish.blogspot.com. >>> >>> http://retinaindia.blogspot.com/2011/11/of-disclosing-disability-before.html >>> >>> -- >>> Develop your personality and English at >>> http://PersonalityAndEnglish.blogspot.com/ >>> >>> >>> Search for old postings at: >>> http://www.mail-archive.com/accessindia@accessindia.org.in/ >>> >>> To unsubscribe send a message to >>> accessindia-requ...@accessindia.org.in >>> with the subject unsubscribe. >>> >>> To change your subscription to digest mode or make any other changes, >>> please >>> visit the list home page at >>> http://accessindia.org.in/mailman/listinfo/accessindia_accessindia.org.in >>> >>> >> >> >> -- >> L. Subramani, >> Snr. Subeditor, >> Deccan Herald, >> Bangalore, >> M: 91-9886046612 >> >> "You see and ask why? I dream and ask why not?" >> >> >> Search for old postings at: >> http://www.mail-archive.com/accessindia@accessindia.org.in/ >> >> To unsubscribe send a message to >> accessindia-requ...@accessindia.org.in >> with the subject unsubscribe. >> >> To change your subscription to digest mode or make any other changes, >> please >> visit the list home page at >> http://accessindia.org.in/mailman/listinfo/accessindia_accessindia.org.in >> >> >> Notice: This email and any files transmitted with it are confidential and >> intended solely for the use of the individual or entity to whom they are >> addressed. If you are not the intended recipient, any dissemination, use, >> review, distribution, printing or copying of the information contained in >> this e-mail message and/or attachments to it are strictly prohibited. If >> you >> have received this email by error, please notify us by return e-mail or >> telephone and immediately and permanently delete the message and any >> attachments. 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