Mel,
Ay say now, we have one Jesse Jackson ready for delivery, don't you know? In
fact, we will give him to anyone who promises to keep him secluded, quiet,
off airplanes and out of South Florida. If necessary, appropriate
remuneration will be provided for his keep, eh, what?
Roger Turk
Tucson, Arizona USA
P.S. Is it true that British typewriters only have question marks to end
sentences?
On the news today, Al Gore has hired 25 mind readers to interview confused
voters to find out what their intent was.
On hearing this, George W. Bush responded that it is a waste of money as
there is nothing to read. When asked if he would have his mind read, George
W. Bush said that he will not elaborate on his statement.
Pat Buchanan stated that the Lord will prevail. Both Bush and Gore asked how
many votes did He get?
I voted for Ralph Nader as I didn't want either of the clowns as President.
Now, regardless of who is declared the winner, neither one will be able to
govern. (I got my wish!)
Because the Senate and House each have no clear majority, neither one will be
able to pass any meaningful legislation, which will be good for the country.
Congress will need to meet only on the first Monday of each month, just to
check to see if anyone has died. All the legislators will be told to go home
until the first Monday of the following month and it will be discovered that
all the legislators' homes are in Maryland and Virginia. It is expected that
the first bit of bi-partisan legislation to be introduced is a bill to make
the first Monday of every Month a National Holiday, to be observed by
everyone, including the Congress.
Mel wrote:
>>Thought you might like the following from the caravan list I am also
subscribed to?
To those of you at the arachne list who do not know US/British
history, apologies, delete as necessary!
====================================================
To the citizens of the United States of America:
In the light of your failure to elect a President of the USA
and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the
revocation of your independence, effective today.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical
duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories.
Except Utah, which she does not fancy.)
Your new prime minister will appoint a minister for America
without the need for further elections. Congress and the
Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated
next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the
following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English
Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium." Check the pronunciation
guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been
pronouncing it. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to
acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary." Using the same twenty
seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and
"you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of
communication. Look up "interspersed." And don't listen to
Hillary anymore.
2. There is no such thing as "US English." We will let
Microsoft know on your behalf.
3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian
accents. It really isn't that difficult.
4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English
actors as the good guys.
5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save
The Queen," but only after fully carrying out task 1 (above).
We would not want you to get confused and give up half way
through.
6. You should stop playing American "football." There is only
one kind of football. What you refer to as American
"football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are
aware that there is a world outside your borders may have
noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no
longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper
football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the
girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will,
in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American
"football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every
twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies).
We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by
2005.
7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear
weapons if they give you any merde. The 97.85% of you who
were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should
count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad
guys. "Merde" is French for "s**t."
8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be
a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called
"Indecisive Day."
9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it
is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you
will understand what we mean.
10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
Thank you for your cooperation,
The Queen's Troops
===========================================
I accept no responsibility for the above. Any resemblance to current
events, persons and places is purely co-incidental.
No paperclips were injured during the writing of this e-mail.
OK. so it's off topic, and somebody will prob'ly be offended, lighten
up guys, it's a bit of fun!
Regards
Mel<<
