lol ... this is hilarious !! Maybe we need a hump-day humor day too! On Wed, Oct 15, 2008 at 10:38 AM, Drake,Dave <[EMAIL PROTECTED]> wrote:
> ** > > Couldn't wait for Friday J > > If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there's no > > hope for you. I was crying by the end. This is an actual account as > relayed > > to paramedics at a chili cook-off in Texas . > > > > Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the > > first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For > > those of you who have lived in Texas , you know how true this is. > > They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes > > around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio > City > > Park . Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was > > visiting from Springfield , IL . > > > > Frank: 'Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili > > cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I > > happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for > > directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was > > assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili > > wouldn't be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free > beer > > during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3.' > > > > Here are the scorecard notes from the event: > > > > CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI > > Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.. > > Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild. > > Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could > > remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put > > the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy. > > > > CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI > > Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang. > > Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken > > seriously. > > Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what > > I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people > > who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in > > more beer when they saw the look on my face. > > > > CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI > > Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. > > Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers. > > Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose > > feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by > > now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, > > now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh*t-faced > from > > all of the beer. > > > > CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC > > Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing. > > Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish > > or other mild foods, not much of a chili.. > > Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was > > unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer > > > maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman > > is starting to look HOT ... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is > > chili an aphrodisiac? > > > > CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER > > Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, > > adding considerable kick. Very impressive. > > Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. > > Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement. > > Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead > > and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me > > needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that > > her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from > > bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm > burning > > my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop > screaming. > > Screw them.. > > > > CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY > > Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of > > spices and peppers. > > Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, > > garlic. Superb. > > Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with > > gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm > worried it > > will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me > > except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt > > with a snow cone. > > > > CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI > > Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned > > peppers. > > Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef lite rally threw in a can of > > chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am > > worried about judge number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress > > as he is cursing uncontrollably. > > Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and > > I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds > > like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which > > slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match > > my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me.. I've > > decided to stop breathing. It's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting > > any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the > > 4-inch hole in my stomach. > > > > CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI > > Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too > > bold but spicy enough to declare its existence. > > Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild > > nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, > > passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. > > Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have > > reacted to really hot chili? > > Judge # 3 - No Report > > ------------------------------ > CONFIDENTIALITY NOTICE This message and any included attachments are from > Cerner Corporation and are intended only for the addressee. The information > contained in this message is confidential and may constitute inside or > non-public information under international, federal, or state securities > laws. 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