Re: This isn't for attention
@ghost rider,
Speaking from experience I can honestly say that I'm glad you brought this here instead of bottling it up inside, and while your case is probably not all that much different from many others, I can't think of anything else I'd rather be doing right now which is more important than reading about it and writing back. Let me tell you a little story, a story that is true as true can be. This one doesn't begin once upon a time, because it's ongoing and characters are still being added to it.
When I turned 16, I fell madly in love with a girl, a girl who many would have said that on the surface was not worth my time; I'll not include the reasoning behind such a statement. Needless to say that there was someone in the world, someone I was willing to do anything and sacrifice anything for.
And yet, no matter what I did, it was never good enough. One day, I finally opened up to the fullest extent.
; I didn't want to; I needed to. I needed to know just how much I could share about my philosophies, my ideas, my fears, my worries and doubts and anxieties and the desire to seek reality to the fullest. I didn't know it then like I know it now, but I needed to know how much I could trust, because I, unlike you, was holding onto too much, from being told by my mother to kill myself when I was 12, to being lied to by my father on countless occasions for countless reasons that I still cannot find excuses for. I ran out of people and reasons to confide anything and kept it all inside. I agonized over stressful situations, wrote many words that could probably fill many pages about the seemingly purposeless life we all live. I reasoned within my solitude that if one couldn't trust one's own flesh and blood, there was no one to trust.
It is no secret that I became a Christian, but that is not what this post is about. I could pre
ach a wonderful sermon to you about why you should accept Jesus, but I don't think that's what you want to hear, because it certainly wasn't what I wanted to hear during all of that time. I could tell you I'll be praying for you , which I will, and yet I don't know if you would truly understand the significance of it and the hopes that lie within such a statement for me personally. What I hope will make a difference to you is the following; even the humblest of souls touches others. If you don't believe me, consider that today, while I am sitting here writing to you with intense pain in my right eye from goodness only knows what, with no money to speak of so as to get a cab to go get it checked out, which means I'll probably have to wait awhile for some form of transportation, I am thankful and joyful. No, not happy; joyful. Happiness is a fickle thing, an emotion that sometimes eludes you for years on end or comes at
you with an intense insanity that makes you smile like a lunatic. It may stick around for 10 seconds or 10 months. Joy? That's another thing altogether and a hard one to explain without talking about life. Life is such a complex and beautiful thing, even under the most terrible of circumstances.
Yes, I know that is hard to accept; believe me, I know. The saddest and angriest and most afraid you've ever been can bring you to your knees or drop you flat on your face in anguish and frustration because you haven't the slightest idea if or how to deal with it, not a clue if it's even possible that it will ever end. The seconds turn seemingly into endless lifetimes that in themselves contain countless perpetual eternities where one wishes to welcome nothingness and embrace oblivion. They wear and tear at you, taunting your existence, scorning your being and pushing you further down into a demon infested mucky hellhole that
taxes every bit of you, and even with all of my elaborations I cannot do justice to what you might be feeling; you may in fact, feel like you have escaped human comprehension!
If, however, you've felt anything like what I've just described, I want you to know that I have too. Today, I am 27 years old, am no longer with the first person I spoke of in this post, but am instead married to a beautiful woman and helping her parent a child from a previous relationship as we sit here expecting our first child together within less than a month; she could be here tonight! I've recently obtained help from a company called miracle ear to battle onward with my ongoing hearing issues; the people are absolutely incredible. I've relocated from Texas to Florida and that alone is enough in some ways to make me happy.
None of these, however, are as powerful as the fact that none of this could have happened if I hadn't chosen to come to grips
with the realization that even in the darkest of days or the hardest of hours, when it seemed like there was no hope in heaven or hell, no reason for living, no purpose in trying, no goodness in crying, no evil in dying, under the burden and strain of all I was living with on my own, I still remained alive, and I'm glad I did so if only to come back to this place and tel you that today.
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