Re: Contemplations of A Soon-to-be Adult
I had the same thing when I was around 15 or so. Growing up scared the crap out of me, but I knew I couldn't stay in child land forever, and so I was sort of in limbo for a while, too scared to move on, but I knew I couldn't move back. You sound remarkably open minded and wise at 17 if I may say so. I'm 31 and I refuse to live my life like this stuffy man in a business suit. I do childish things sometimes, but I pay my bills on time, I take care of myself, etc. I've only recently felt like I have been getting closer to where I should be as in talking to people, showing emotion, etc. Which was, and still is hard for me to do, but I'm working on it. I also know I'm pretty screwed up in some ways, and probably should get therapy for it, but that scares me too, because I don't want to tell someone all this stuff about me. I think I'm working through it, its taking some time, and things would probably go faster if I sought help for it, but its my choice to make and I'm making the choice to handle it myself.
At 31, you start to realize what all you didn't know when you were 17, or 15 or in those teen years. You look back and realize that even though maybe you were smart, clever, whatever, you really had no life experience back then. That will change over time though. I try to learn from everything including what I've done wrong, and to not make the same stupid mistakes over and over. I've also learned not to be so prideful, though honestly I am still a proud person, and it costs me a great deal to humble myself in front of someone.
You start to realize that what you know is that you knew nothing then. You grow wiser with each passing year, and you can look back on those times with wistful reminiscence. You also know that you don't know everything, nor did you back then either. You learn that learning is to be treasured, and that you should be learning everyday, not always from text books, home work assignments, but from everyone and everything around you. Maybe you notice a friend or colleague doing something you know they're going to regret. Maybe you try to talk to them about it, but you can't convince them to give it up, well, at some point, you just have to let things go, its hard to watch someone make bad choices, but they have to live their lives as you have to live yours.
This is actually an area where I am tested now, because my brother is with a girl whom I cannot stand. I feel she is selfish, dim-witted, shallow, and something about her is just... off to me. She seems like a person with no soul, vacant in some way. Oh sure she knows things, she does pretty well in school, but you just get the idea that she isn't all that bright. I do not think she's right for him, actually I am almost certain of it. I don't like her because I think she's destroying his life, she's ruining him and he's letting it happen, and I&# 039;ve done my bit, and I've talked to him about it, and I've bitched to my family about it and I've done this and done that, and I don't like it, but what am I supposed to do, I can't make him stop seeing her, he's 24 soon to be 25, a man grown. This is my brother, its hard to see him drained dry by this creature who feeds on all the good things in him. This is my brother, someone I'd die for, someone I'd do anything to protect, but I can't do everything, and I just have to let it go. That's damned hard to do, let me tell you, but you just have to do it.
And 10 years down the line, I'm sure I'll look back on my early 30's, maybe not with the same sort of feelings about my teen years, but I'm sure i'll have made my fair share of mistakes, but, I'll do everything in my power to not repeat them. I'd like to think I've got integrity, that I've never compromised it, and I value that. It& #039;s a gift I was born with, and if I play my cards right, it's one of the only gifts I can die with, still in tact, and that's what I want.
So I hope everything you read here helps you in some way, and that you can take things into perspective and it'll help you make the transition a little more smoothly. It's not so bad being an adult, sure you've got more responsibility, more things to worry about, but there are many paths open for you, all you've got to do is start down one of them, and it looks like you're well on your way to doing that. So, good luck on all your endeavors and maybe you'll look back on your teen years down the road and think, well I didn't do so badly afterall.
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