Re: Am I losing my mind?
Rejection hurts. I was 13 when I was rejected for the first time; true story. Why did it hurt so much? Perhaps because I met her on Valentine's day of that year? Perhaps because I waited nearly two full months to ask her out and school was almost over and I would have liked to see more of her that summer rather than hanging out with my friends? Perhaps because she was acting like I was the best thing she'd layed her eyes on since sliced cheese? I don't know, but it took a long time; it might have been months, maybe years. Maybe I'm still not entirely over it and the evidence of that lies in the fact that I'm writing some sappy reflections concerning this matter. There I was, the summer dying fast, collapsing around me as I went into the 8th grade, and I had asked out a girl...
But the fact I can't get around is that it hurt. What made it worse is that she couldn't look me straight in the
face and say no! She wanted to dance around it, throw out a bunch of lame excuses about how she was switching schools and we wouldn't see each other again, how she was a year older than I, how she was just not sure it would work. Whatever the case, she couldn't actually say no. A plain and simple no would have been better than the empty silence I struggled with when I was brave enough to pose the question and then got no answer and kept wondering why. Had I misread her? Had I come on too strong? I thought girls liked guys who didn't stammer and who had confidence; where did I go wrong? I stood straight and tall, didn't bat an eyelid, didn't fidget, didn't act nervous, kept my cool, spoke deliberately... WHY!
And oh, the pain! The heartbreaking monumental collossus of pain that towered over me in everything I did and said and heard! I smelled her freaking perfume everywhere I went! I swore
I could smell it on myself! I talked myself into thinking I was crazy! I'd move my head and my hair would fan the air around me and I'd believe she'd walked in on me doing something stupid, spilling my soul into all of my idiotic poetic lines, lines she'd never see, words she'd never witness as I thumbed through my collection of CD's and wondered what to listen to next to try and ease some of it.
And here I am today; I'm married with 3 children to a woman who isn't the one I asked out 16 years ago... I honestly don't know what became of her. I never heard from her again after that day. If I ran into her again today, I'd probably give her a quick hello and be on my merry way. It's over; it's done. The end. That's life, the span of existence we cruise through between birth and death, full of rhythms and cycles in which we can't truly imagine tomorrow, no matter how hard
we try.
why worry about tomorrow and the rising of the sun,
Or anguish over past mistakes that cannot be undone.
Why waste life's precious moments on things that bruise the heart,
When today is ours to fashion into a work of art.
Today comes only once and shall never again return,
So use it wisely while you can; there's a lesson to be learned.
Let history record the past and tomorrow come what may,
And let us strive to do the best with what we have today.
P.S, I posted the poem above because I believe this was the one thing I read that truly helped me find closure. The words were penned by Clay Harrison.
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