Re: Socializing
Hmm. Well speaking only from my own experience, I have always been a musical geek, sometimes to nearly the utter extreme. Doing things normal kids did was never in my plans when I was a kid. While I think a lot of the people around me tried to give me space and freedom, they didn't really understand me, and very often didn't have patience for my reduced emotional intelligence. As I grew up, I was always paranoid because it seemed someone was always looking over my shoulder, and if I did something wrong, I'd be scolded for it before having any time to understand what was so wrong about what I had done. Thankfully, I don't think my blindness had much to do with this. I also wasn't ridiculed or picked on because of my blindness either. Being blind has led to a few awkward encounters, but nothing horrendous. I feel really bad for those who had to endure what they did, because even though I didn't have to endure it, I still have trust issues today. Not because I'm blind necessarily (though that could be part of it), but because I wasn't understood very well and it seemed when people weren't ignoring me or overwhelmed by my weirdness, they were scolding me for it. I understand now that it wasn't their fault; I did some pretty stupid, embarrassing stuff and I was just really hard to identify with, but nevertheless I am always afraid of offending or overwhelming people even now, and I am rarely able to stand up for myself in a time of conflict without feeling guilty or wrong for it. I often feel naive and insignificant. For this reason, as well as just being a natural introvert, I really do feel better alone. I love having a few close friends, and in fact I tried too hard to seek them out when I was a kid, but I'd rather be alone than have a few shallow friendships. Sometimes I yearn for company, but only from close friends. I'd never go out on the street and talk to random people. I wouldn't even know what to say lol
Sometimes I wonder what would have to change in order for me to be less awkward/more extrovert. Actually come to think of it, I could stem this whole thing back to being born premature. I know it caused my blindness, and I believe, to an extent, that it caused my brain to develop slightly weirdly and this resulted in something like mild Aspergers, which definitely messes with aptitudes for socialization. A lot of the socialization skills I have now are a result of me imitating other people, or learning that remark A leads to good result B. I've heard that a lot of people with Aspergers resort to this kind of strategy, but I am so good at it now that I'm not even sure what's a natural or a learned response for me anymore, and when I am socially overloaded or otherwise overstimulated, this confusion about my natural/learned behaviors is enough to top it all off and make me want to be alone for a while. I sometimes wonder if I had been born at my normal time, if I would be telling a very different story. But I digress.
I'm certainly not as weird as some of the people I know, though I am finding it increasingly easy to identify with quirky people and feeling comfortable around them, which is something I didn't think I'd ever do. So to sum up, I'm just a weird individual, and so when you catch me socializing, it's either because i'm being polite, or I'm talking to another reclusive nerd lol
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