Re: I need to rant at you about your behavior in mainstream communities
I don't even know if the way I described and you clarified things is the truth or if I just did terrible at explaining them. But I'll take the benefit of the doubt that the former is actually correct, instead of trying to backup the idea that I just didn't explain it well. That's a weak argument anyway.
I'll respond to each point of your message to hopefully get the clearest picture across, and I need that clearest picture too.
I'm mad that he is gone because I depend on him so much, and he always says he wants to spend time with me, but he can't do that if he is gone. I could tell him that, but it sounds like commonsense to me. I have the desire to improve skills and find employment and things, but I have lost my hope. So I just let him do everything for me.
I'm mad that he is here because he does things for me, but that doesn't make it real help and he makes me uncomfortable with constant guilt trip. And believe me, I have tried talking to him about things. He will say he understands, but he doesn't. At best, he will only change his mindset about it 50% of the time, which I guess is better than 0. The thing about him is he is a flip flopper who doesn't have listening skills. How the hell do I work with someone like that? So yes, I would rather just have my own place where I don't have to deal with that crap. It's a love hate relationship, but I don't really hate him, I just hate his issues. But due to my hopelessness, I have just given up.
I want to travel across the country with no skills. Yeah, I said that I'm an idiot. That's a stupid thing to do. I kind of can't do it anyway because I don't have anything for a resume. So that's not an option for awhile even if I want it to happen. It's a long term goal.
It feels wrong being independent here, but I have the opportunity to practice. I could do cleaning and shit, but that wouldn't do any good if my dad just fucks everything up the next week. My state counselor reached out to an organization that provides them, but due to the virus, they can't come out to my house and help me with it. I was mainly going to focus on cooking with them. I tried asking a neighbor if they could teach me, and they said no. I could ask a few other neighbors, and that might get me somewhere. I can go to any place I want, any time I want. And no, my dad wanting to know where I am isn't a huge problem for me. I know why he does it. The problem is if I don't want to tell him. Which is rare. But when it does happen, he does his guilt trip thing. This happened when I started mental counseling a few months back, which has since stopped.
So what the fuck am I thinking? This is my thought process.
I am overwhelmed by adult life, and I have no sense of direction. I have the desire to get there, but no hope or motivation that I can get there. The only people who I can look up to for help is my dad and my state counselor, because my mother passed away when I was 12, my older brother was kicked out for being a dumbass, and my younger brother is living in a dorm in college.
My dad doesn't know how to help himself, and my other brother has also expressed the same loss of direction because of this, so it isn't me who this is just affecting. And my dad says one thing, but does another, so I can't rely on him. However since I have no direction and no hope, that's exactly what I do.
My state counselor is very slow, but very supportive. It turns out, it was someone else who they just now referred me too, that has the answers I am looking for. So maybe I can finally start getting somewhere, at least for getting out of the house and building volunteer experience for a resume.
I think the reason why things aren't making sense is because I failed to mention how I feel in terms of my position in the family.
Because I am blind, I am sheltered. And I have a weak voice. I can't stand up for myself. But even when I do, my dad says ok, let's do something about it. Of course nothing happens even when I remind him a thousand times. So back to square 1 with lost direction, can't rely on my dad, and losing hope. Not only does this make me not important to the family, but he doesn't tell me about everything he does, even though he always says, I want you to know everything that is going on. He didn't tell me that he bought another house. My younger brother had to tell me that. He didn't tell me that he was thinking of giving my older brother the new house, I found that out when we went to my older brother's son's birthday lunch. One part of me says I don't care what is going on, but the other half of me is angry that I am the only one who doesn't know what is happening. Even my younger brother who doesn't live here is up to date on things. If I ask about it, my dad and younger brother just say don't worry about it. If I ask my older brother, he will just ask for money. But my younger brother has a strong voice. He isn't afraid to confront dad about things. I am.
My dad has said for well over 2 years that he won't help my older brother anymore, but he keeps enabling him. He still contacts him, does things for him, lends him money, hints where the 10000 he owes me comes from. Oh btw he didn't tell me about that either. I only found out because I wanted to check my balance when I was buying something, and I noticed a shit ton missing.
So it's this bullshit of, I tell you everything, I want you to know what's going on, except he only tells me half the things that are going on.
And I'm angry at this family for pretending that I don't need to know, but I only 50% care about it anyway. So now because of secrets that I only care 50% about, and the rest of the shit mentioned above, I have the crazy idea to move that far away. There is a reason why I chose that specific location, but I'm still debating if that reason is important to me anymore or not.
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