To: Michel d'Alembert From: Guillaume Grosscanard d'Alembert, Your letter is a source of much regret to me. Firstly, I regret that I cannot accept your offer, as I am still banished to the front. Secondly, I regret that even if I could accept your offer, I currently have no lady to bring to the table. Furthermore, few of the women who will accompany me these days are ladies, and those who start out as such don't remain so for long. Finally, and most regrettably, I am not the source of the missive that caused your mirth. Two things prevent me writing anonymously. The state of my desk and demeanour are so regrettable that any letter leaving my office comes with a pattern of stains and smudges which proclaim the identity of its originator even more loudly than my flamboyant signature. And my pride is such that I can never resist taking credit for my work - even though the consequences are often unpleasant. Grosscanard P.S. In case you were wondering, the red is my blood, the brown is that of a Spaniard killed yesterday, the blue is that of a nobleman with whom I have recently fought a duel, the greeny-yellow is a particularly fetching bile / phlegm combination brought up at the thought of the Dragoon Guards and their interminable bickering, and the orange is rather difficult to explain.
