From: "dendriite" <[EMAIL PROTECTED]>
> Remember that cute invitation purportedly from the Brits that circled the
> net a couple of weeks ago? Here is a humorous response:
>
>
>
> A Response;
>
> To the citizens of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern
> Ireland, we welcome your concern about our electoral process. It must be
> exciting for you to see a real republic in action, even if from a
> distance. As always, we're amused by your quaint belief that you're
> actually a world power. The sun never sets on the British Empire! Right-o,
> chum!
Guns are such a crude way of influencing people, best left to the
less sophisticated nations. These days the UK has more subtle means
of making its views known.
>
> However, we regretfully have to decline your offer for intervention. On
> the other hand, it would be amusing to see you try to enforce your new
> policy (for the 96.3 percent of you that seem to have forgotten that you
> have little to no real power).
Sticks and stones break bones, but words can break the spirit.
We could make you do our every whim with nothing more than light
satire and icily polite sarcasm, but we prefer not to be cruel.
> After much deliberation, we have decided to
> continue our tradition as the longest running democratic republic. It
> seems that switching to a monarchy is in fact considered a "backwards
> step" by the majority of the world.
Since the majority of the world is ruled by highly corrupt and often
dictatorial regimes we needn't take their opinion seriously. It's been
255 years since our last serious internal disturbance, a much longer
record than any republic can claim.
> To help you rise from your current anachronistic status, we have compiled
> a series of helpful suggestions that we hope you adopt:
>
> 1. Realize that language is an organic structure, and that you aren't
> always correct in your pronunciation or spelling. Let's use your
> "aluminum" example. Sir Humphrey Davy (an Englishman) invented the name
> "aluminum" (note spelling) for the metal. However, in common usage the
> name evolved into "aluminium" to match the naming convention of other
> elements
As is right and proper. The principle virtue of English is its flexibility;
unrestricted by any arbitary authority.
>. In 1925, the United States decided to switch back to the
> original spelling and pronunciation of the word, at which point we
> dominated the aluminum industry.
Who decided? No one individual, group, or company as the authority
to make such decisions. That's the problem with Webster. His spelling
'reforms', made without regard to the rich history of the language, were
quite alien to the spirit of English, which no one man or academy may amend.
> We'd also like to point out that the
> process of actually producing aluminum was developed by an American and a
> Frenchman (not an Englishman). However, we'd like to thank you for the
> Oxford English Dictionary. It's an interesting collection, considering
> that over 10,000 of the words in the original edition were submitted by a
> crazy American Civil War veteran named Dr. William Charles Minor.
>
Yes, Americans do have their uses.
>
> 4. If you want English actors as good guys, then make your own movies.
> Don't rely on us for your modern popular culture.
We've provided the world with great culture for 400 years. We're entitled
to a rest.
> We liked Lock, Stock,
> and Two Smoking Barrels, Trainspotting, and The Full Monty. We've also
> heard good things about this Billy Elliot. But one good movie a year
> doesn't exactly make a cultural powerhouse. However, you're doing pretty
> well with music, so keep up the good work on that front.
The problem is that economies of scale mean there's only really room for
one film centre in the English-speaking world. The solution is obvious.
Move Hollywood from California (and all its natural disasters) to London.
>
> 5. It's inefficient to have a national anthem that changes its title
> whenever your monarch dies.
The average Briton does not find this a challenge.
> Let's not forget that your national anthem has
> an extremely boring tune. We suggest switching to that "Rule Britannia"
> ditty, it's toe-tapping. Or maybe Elton John could adapt "Candle In the
> Wind" again for you guys.
>
We could be persuaded. 'Rule, Britannia' doesn't have those embarassing
verses about crushing the scots.
> 6. Improve at your national sport. Football? Soccer? This just in: United
> States gets fourth place in men's soccer at the 2000 Summer Olympics.
> United Kingdom? Not even close. By the way, impressive showing at Euro
> 2000. You almost managed to get through the tournament without having your
> fans start an international incident. Hey, we've got more soccer moms,
too.
>
It's not the winning that counts but the taking part.
Some people may refuse to participate in any contest they don't expect to
win
but that's not how you make friends.
> 7. Learn how to cook. England has some top-notch candy. Salt 'n' vinegar
> chips are quite yummy. However, there's a reason why the best food in your
> country is Indian or Chinese. Your contributions to the culinary arts are
> soggy beans and warm beer.
What about mince pies, Christmas cake, tea breads, cream scones, and
all the other things that round off a meal so well?
>Perhaps when you finally realize the French
> aren't the spawn of Satan they'll teach you how to cook.
>
And then what would the French be good for?
Firstly, we are a cosmopolitan people. As with our language, so with our
cuisine. We take the best the world has to offer, words and foods from every
land, and make it our own. Curry might want have been Indian, but not
any longer.
Secondly the French aren't your neighbours. Half of them don't seem
to have realised they lost to the UK in every contest for the last 900
years. Still, we can be magnaminous in victory. When they stop muttering
about anglo-sazon conspiracies to make them cut taxes, speak English, and
eat hamburgers we will treat them with the respect they deserve.
> 8. You're doing a terrible job at understanding cars. The obvious error is
> that you drive on the wrong side of the road.
We've driven on the left for millenia. We are not going to change just
because Napoleon prefered the right.
Robert
