That's pretty good! I'm trying to imagine the conversation if a
Republican had stepped out of the Jeep....
Liberally biased satire follows. Note: You have been warned!
<wavy lines used to introduce imaginary sequences, frex on _Letterman_>
A shepherd was tending his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a Jeep
Cherokee drove up, followed by a police car and a news van. The driver of
the Jeep, a forty-something man wearing a Brooks Brothers navy flannel
pinstripe suit, aviator sunglasses, and a red-and-blue striped rep tie
stepped out. The local sherrif stepped out of the police car, and a
cameraman from a national news network stepped out of the van, followed
by a stylish newswoman.
The shepherd's eyes widened. "Hello, can I help you people?"
The sherrif stepped forward. "Come with me sir, you're under arrest."
The shepherd said, "What? Why? What am I charged with?"
"You're being taken into custody on suspicion of sheep-pimping, sir."
While the shepherd's mouth gaped open in silent shock, the man in the dark
suit had finished primping for the TV camera. The newswoman took a
position beside him with a microphone. The cameraman performed a silent
countdown: three, two, one, ... "You're on."
"Hi!" The newswoman brightly said. "I'm Kandy Kaine, from GlobalCom
Network News, and I'm here tonight with Representative Dourly to do an in
depth investigation into the serious problem of sheep-pimping in America
today. Representative Dourly, would you say that sheep-pimping is a
serious problem threatening Americans today?"
"Absolutely, Ms. Kaine," said Representative Dourly. "Catching and
imprisoning those who sell and abuse domesticated sheep is the highest
priority for the current administration, and when I learned that there
were people who fit the sheep-pimp profile here in my own Congressional
district, I just knew I had to act immediately."
"That sounds very commendable, Representative," Kandy brightly said.
Brightly, Kandy continued, "But some have said that pursuing sheep-pimps
is a misguided use of our police resources, that there are more serious
problems we should be addressing first. Others have said that sheep can
grown for a variety of beneficial purposes and that we shouldn't demonize
the use of sheep..."
"Well I think that's just liberal hogwash, Ms. Kaine," interjected
Representative Dourly. "The use of sheep for immoral purposes is clearly
against the precepts of natural law and against the principles of the
founding fathers of our great nation. We must stop at nothing to
eradicate the threat sheep-pimping poses to the health and values of our
nation."
"Oh, I see," Kandy replied brightly. She turned to the now-handcuffed
shepherd. "Sir, will you tell our viewers what brought you to this
horrible point in your life, pimping sheep?"
"I don't pimp sheep," the shepherd gasped. "Sheep are useful for all
kinds of other things. Their wool makes fine clothes; they're good to
eat; they can be processed for oils used in a variety of products. I've
done nothing wrong!"
"So you admit you sell sheep," snorted Representative Dourly.
"Of course," the shepherd said. "But that doesn't mean it's wrong!"
"Huh. Sounds a lot like pimping to me. Take him away, sheriff."
"Nooooooo.....!"
Kandy turned back to Representative Dourly and asked brightly, "So, what
will happen to that sheph, er, sheep-pimp, Representative Dourly?"
"Oh, I expect he'll go to a state penitentiary for three to five years to
serve his sentence among other hardened criminals. In fact, I plan to
sponsor a bill increasing funding for prison construction so that
we can house more scum like that sheep-pimp the sheriff dragged away."
"Sounds serious, Representative Dourly!" Kandy replied brightly. "This
has been an in depth report from GlobalCom News Network, and I'm Kandy
Kaine. Good night, America!"
The cameraman turned of his machine and said, "That's a wrap, folks."
The smile dropped off of Kandy's face as she marched back to her car. She
could be heard swearing under her breath about how it's impossible to get
sheep-stench out of a good Donna Karan blazer.
When the sherrif had finished squeezing the shepherd into the back seat of
his car, he returned to talk to the representative, who was gazing out
over the bleating, agitated flock.
"What should I do with all these sheep, Representative?" the sheriff
asked.
"I'll take care of them," Representative Dourly said. "Sheep disposal
techniques are currently classified."
"Ok." The sheriff waked back to his car.
At this point the Representative's aide came forward and asked for
instructions.
"Here's what I want you to do," Representative Dourly said. "First, we're
going to sell these sheep and use them to fund covert anticommunist
efforts in Central America. But don't sell all of them. I need to take
one home with me."
"Expecting lobbyists, sir?"
"Yeah."
"Ewe're the boss."
----
Disclaimer: I accept no responsibility for what can only be the
inevitable outcome of mixing political humor with sheep.
Marvin Long
Austin, Texas
Nuke the straight capitalist wildebeests for Buddha!
