> Behalf Of Joshua Bell
>
> A whopping 1 out of 5 on the Josh-O-Meter.
> That 1 can be divided about equally as follows:
>
> - The makeup and ape visuals were extremely well done.
The ape makeup, especially that of General Thade, is tremendous. A
friendlier version of the General's makeup would be an excellent Fiben
Bolger.
And the movie's start, with Pericles piloting the pod simulator, reminded me
strongly of Fiben's short lived space battle.
Thade - particularly when visiting his dying father - and Bonham Carter both
have the chimp walk and stance down really well. Plus the apes attacking on
all fours. General ape behaviour is pretty good in this movie. Using the
feet for writing was a nice touch, too.
> - The plot uses a vaguely Uplift-type scenario.
And all done "naturally" too without any intervening scientists or
geneticists getting involved over the 600 or so years it took to get from
Chimp Pilot (expendable) Pericles to General Thade.
> - Helena Bonham Carter is really cute as Ari.
>
HBC deserves almost a whole 1 all for herself. But I agree with the overall
1 Josh. Feeling generous.
> SPOILERS FOLLOW!
> 2029
> 2050
> 2071
> 2092
> 2113
> 2134
> 2155
> 2176
> 2197
> 2218
> 2239
> 2260
> 2281
> 2302
> 2323
> 2344
> 2365
> 2386
> 2407
> 2428
> 2449
> 2470
> 2491
> 2512
> 2533
> 2554
> 2575
> 2596
> 2617
> 2638
> 2659
> 2680
> ...
> ...
> ...
>
> Here we are in the future. First, a quick look back at how we got here.
>
> Where's here? In orbit around Saturn at a slick USAF research
> station stolen
> from the Trade Federation in SW:TPM.
Was wondering about that myself. Considerable advance on the MIR/ISS style
of space platform.
And where did the agrav come from? All the internal corridors in the "ship"
curved laterally, not vertically, even though the ship was, I thought, shown
to have a slow spin. There was no sign of weightlessness at any location in
the ship.
snip
>
> Periclies' signal is lost. Leo defies orders and hops in a pod (like the
> pods from 2001, but with a tail and no arms, begging the question of how
> this plan will work) and flies out to rescue Pericles.
And then, when Pericles does turn up and save his life, what does he
immediately do? Hands him over to Ari and takes himself back home. And this
a Captain in the Air Force!! Complete desertion of his troops in the field.
> His digital
> chronometer zooms from 2029 to 2600-something.
And the chronometer was getting its time signals from where, exactly?
Intergalactic Time Central I suppose?
>
snip
> Not much of an orbit, though, since he plows into the atmosphere
> and does a
> crash landing through a jungle into a small pond. Unlike the
> original movie,
> none of the crew dies.
An extremely well built little pod, too. Designed for reentry as well as
space work. Not only that, but it reenters with its enormous perspex or
whatever nose also providing the ablation protection without transmitting
any heat into the pod. And yet there was no sign of any phototinting to
reduce light levels when moving from dark to sunlight.
And, of course, apart from reentry it could survive a kilometre or more of
jungle bashing and still remain whole.
Not to mention, that the Air Force pilot is a far worse pilot than his chimp
student, who managed to not only reenter without problem but come in to a
beautiful VTOL landing in the middle of a crowd without any significant
blast effect from the motor. Shit hot pilot that chimp!
Oh, and what fuel did these pods use? No room for massive tanks of
chemicals, or even water for ion/nuclear propellent. But not agrav, because
they have flame bells for rocket thrust. Yet, not only could the pod
reenter, but it still had plenty of fuel left for a takeoff.
By the way, military textiles in 2029 are extremely fragile. None of the
Alpha cloth or other non-flammable types used in space these days. Leo's
uniform had all but disintegrated by the time he got out of his pod. And why
did he take his helmet off BEFORE getting out of his submerged pod, too?
snip
>
> Leo gets rounded up with the rest of the humans - who, by the
> way, can talk
> just fine.
And in English, too, as do the apes. My it's a powerful language, and
surprisingly stable from this point onwards, considering how much it has
changed in the same amount of time since Geoffrey Chaucer spoke it.
>Before he's loaded into the cage he meets Thade (Tim Roth), a
> chimp general, and Attar (Michael Clarke Duncan) his right hand gorilla.
> Attar gets to utter the immortal line, "Get your hands off of me
> you damn,
> dirty human." (No, I'm not kidding.)
And all without complaint. Not even, "Stop, I'm a Captain in the US Air
Force. Who is your commanding officer?" not even a "I come in peace. Take me
to your leader."
I do agree, though, that if you crash land somewhere and the locals are all
running in That direction, so too should you run in That direction.
>snip
>
> Leo doesn't say much during this first 10 minutes of the movie.
> Well, maybe
> 15. The point is he's just along for the ride like the audience.
> In the cage
> with Leo are a few characters, none of whom are notable. We pan a
> couple of
> times past The Kid, The Chick, and The Chick's Father (Chris
> Christopherson)
> and the rest of the lot.
>
snip
>Since the apes are great
> climbers
> there are trees and ropes and vines everywhere. (in the City) There are
stone buildings
> and stairs, so the overall effect is that of an overgrown temple
> from some
> random adventure movie. There is no consistent architecture or a good
> overview of the true extent of ape civilization, though the military has
> stylish tailors.
>
The city looked like Angkor Wat, or some Mayan style ruin. Didn't really
look much like a city though, more like Mont St Michel (??) the French
Riviera fortified town that gets cut off by the tides twice every day.
The apes must have plenty of wars though judging by the extent of their
army. Yet no sign or comment made about any other City States or rival
warlords. The political structure - they had Senators but no
King/Emperor/President/Baron was mentioned at all - didn't make much sense.
>
snip
>
> Ani stops by to protest the human captivity. She ends up buying
> Leo and The
> Chick and takes them home as house servants, where they're
> groomed and given
> minimal instructions for cleaning the kitchen and serving dinner.
>
And again, no explanatory dialogue from our Captain. No attempt to talk to
Ari or the Senator (who is called such in his presence). Not even a
recognition of being a fellow soldier with the house ex-General. This guy
was extremely passive.
>
>
> At the table are Ari, her father the senator, Thade, Attar and some other
> riff-raff the's an older orang senator (great makeup) and his
> much younger
> sultry chimp wife (Lisa Marie). At one point the wife remarks that she's
> quite happy with the amount of interspecies mixing they have right now,
> thank you very much. By the way, did I mention that Ani had the hots for
> Leo?
>
And that Thade had the hots for Ari. I couldn't really see why Ari would be
attracted to Leo, and couldn't see why Thade would keep trying for an Ari
who consistently rebuffed him and infuriated him.
Although there were hints in Ari of Bonobo "sex as fun and companionship" -
where she suggests to the slave trader about "coming to a suitable
agreement" or whatever, and also with Thade at a couple of points. not to
mention the hots for Leo, right at first meeting in the jail. But the film
got very coy very quickly, where it could have explored interspecies
relationships, except for a bizarre scene during the chase (see below)
> Later that night, Leo picks the lock on his cage and breaks out,
> taking The
> Chick and the other house humans with him. They head to Limbo's and break
> out all the humans, including The Boy and The Chick's Father. Ani and her
> father's gorilla friend catch them, but Leo promises he'll show her
> something amazing if she helps them escape. The merry band then takes the
> back way out of the city, which unfortunately passes through a military
> ceremony where Attar shows up to berate his troops. The Chick's Father
> sticks around to sacrifice himself so the rest can escape through a lava
> tube back to the edge of the forest. Sniff.
In escaping, they also seem to go through a whole series of different
houses, in a terribly unsubtle and highly advertised escape. And didn't that
also include the Orang/Chimp couple who were just getting down to a little
interspecies monkey business of their own?
Now, I know primates are randy little buggers but I fail to see how Orangs -
notable loners of the primate world - and chimps - notable groupies - would
find very much in common. A one off, maybe, but not the seemingly stable
relationship portrayed at the Senator's dinner party. Or maybe it was OK to
bring the concubine of the week along to private dinners?
Oh, and along the way they broke into Thade's house and rescued the "pet"
child. Who was then immediately handed over to Ari's human female servant to
be looked after. Exit child from film. Of course, noone would ever think to
look for her at Ari's place, would they? And how would she be explained
away, with Ari gone and the human servant obviously not having anywhere else
to live?
snip
>
> (on the way to Calima) not forbidden enough to have an encampment of
gorilla warriors lead by
> Attar, who somehow made it there ahead of the band. The band sneaks down,
> swipes some horses, and escapes across a river. Attar heads back
> to the city
> to tell Thade.
It being pointed out that apes are terrified of water, why were they
guarding the river to the forbidden zone? Nowhere was it mentioned that they
faced human raiders, so it would only have been guarded against other apes.
Or maybe they'd taken especial note of the two Ardennes offensives, or
Malaya/Singapore in WW2? If so, it must have been a huge army to spare
guards for such a post.
Oh, and where did the horses come from, by the way, as the extra moons and
continental geography show that they're not on Earth. Were there some really
big pods tat we didn't see on that Space Station where they were uplifting
horses for pilot duty?
snip
>His
> handprint activates the door. (The groan from the audience was
> mollifed by
> his line "there's a nuclear power source, it should last forever.") This
> sealed room is also caked with dust (!) but he's able to scrape
> some of it
> off.
But he doesn't clean off ALL of the terminals - only noticing the fuel
displays much later. Doesn't go looking for a magazine or stores, either,
for more of the flare gun/blasters.
Oh, and why would space based astronauts be using flare guns that use
parachutes when based around Saturn? Why would it be an essential part of
their survival kit - as distinct from extra oxygen tanks or food or
whatever. At the river crossing, Leo lets off a parachute flare from his
little handy/dandy pistol - which I thought the old General had already
broken anyway when they captured the slave trader - as a diversion. Yet
later, when Thade gets hold of an identical gun from a survival kit it fires
bullets, not flares.
>He plops his PocketPC into its sync cradle (I'm not kidding
> about that
> part) and fires up the monitor.
Despite the 2 or 3 centimetres of volcanic looking dust every where else in
the control room, the pocketPC goes into its slot vertically and immediately
starts working, too. And the dust hadn't shorted any controls or other gear
out. they'll build them tough in the near future.
>The only bit of data he can
> retreive is the
> distress call from the commander of his station saying they
> chased after him
> and landed here, and a log entry by one of the crash survivors
> saying that
> they'd settled here but that the apes were more intelligent than they
> thought and that S was trying to kill all the humans.
>
Doesn't even try to access anything else, like a radio frex. And there's no
reaction from Ari or anyone else when pictures appear on panels, or lights
turn on - even when the only lighting they had was a burning brand or torch.
> Leo wanders outside and is a little miffed since his pickup isn't coming.
> Then, out of the woodwork come a few hundred humans from the forest who
> trekked into the forbidden zone since Leo fell from the stars to
> save them.
And the servant, who escaped with them, tells Leo that they had all come to
see the human who had defied the apes. News travels fast in them thar parts.
And the humans would naturally assume that said defiant human would
immediately head into the forbidden zone to the ape's holiest shrine, too.
Yeahhhhh...
>
> He tells them to leave; they don't. Thade's army shows up and
> camps. Morning
> comes and Leo's still trying to get everyone to leave. Thade's
> army wakes up
> and starts marching in. Leo has a sudden idea, and has the humans hide,
> except for the few from his band, which go out to meet the army
> as bait on
> horseback.
Of course, in true movie manner he doesn't tell anybody what his plan is, or
why they should do what he wants. Which inevitably leads to...
> The Boy steals a horse
> and rides
> out to confront the army. When the first wave of the army charges (which
> looks really nice, since the rushing gorillas on all fours are
> outpacing the
> mounted cavalry) the bait turns to flee. The Boy's horse bucks
> and falls and
> The Boy is trapped by the saddle.
Of course, hunted humans could all ride horses without major problems of
control etc. And I know just how easy it is to control a horse, and how
unconcerned you get when it starts galloping off somewhere it wants to go.
>Leo runs out on foot to save The Boy -
> into the path of the oncoming army, past the incoming bait.
None of whom think to look back and maybe effect the rescue themselves, or
wonder Why in Hell Leo was running past them towards the attacking army, or
even to provide some sort of escort while he did so.
>He
> makes it out
> to where the bait was waiting, grabs The Boy puts The Boy on his
> horse, and
> sends The Boy back, then runs after him on foot. (This, in case it wasn't
> clear, was the only reason The Boy was in the movie.)
And, of course, Leo is the sole person able to perform the next stage of The
Plan, so naturally neglects to get up behind the boy to get the horse to do
the work.
snip
>
> He presses a button on his PocketPC which discharges the last
> fuel cell on
> the ship and fires the main rocket engine which impressively
> kicks up a lot
> of dust and charging gorillas into the air. Oooh, aaaah, says everybody.
>
> Once the gorillas have settled and had a chance to recover from
> being thrown
> hundreds of feet and set on fire by the rocket engine, the humans rush in
> and start to club them to death with sticks and stones.
Really amazing rocket fuel used, too, as it didn't incinerate a few score
apes. In fact, they were barely singed. Must burn at very low temperature
yet still provide enough thrust for the possibility of a launch later on.
Very economical on the pods, yet profligate on the main ship where a short
blast totally depletes the fuel tanks.
> Thade decides to
> play rough now and sends in his entire army. Every few shots someone
> remembers that apes are really strong and throw humans tens of
> feet or crush
> their limbs with ease. Mostly it's just clubbing with sticks and stones,
> though. It's hard to tell if the humans are winning or if the apes are
> really just not trying yet.
And Ari and her ex-General servant can get involved in a general ape v
humans rumble without being attacked by their allies. No friendly fire here!
>
> Just as Thade gets Leo pinned a bright light appears in the sky, and what
> should happen but Pericles the chimp lands in his pod (which has VTOL
> capabilities). The apes think it's the second coming of S and bow
> down, but
> don't mind when Leo gets all chummy chummy with their deity.
With their extremely small and non-talking deity, which passes without
comment. Whom Thade beats up, even though he is supposedly a direct
descendant (as distinct from all of the other apes on the planet, who were
descended from about a dozen original trainee pilots).
And, while we're at it, only the apes keep a race memory of how they got to
the planet (as lab animals), not the humans (the scientists/military) who
have all descended into tribalism.
snip
>
> Leo decides to fly Pericles' pod up and try to get home. Ani wants him to
> stay. He gives her a sweet "thanks, but no thanks" kiss. Then he
> runs over
> and gives The Chick a deep passionate smooch, despite the fact that she
> hasn't actually done anything in the movie but stare vacantly and have a
> heaving bosom.
>
> Leo hops in the pod which VTOLs up into the blue sky with a
> twinkle, and is
> then gone.
>
Again, takes off from within a crowd, where no more than about 10 metres of
space is needed from the blasting rocket exhaust. Noone even gets singed
this time, which is just as well as our gallant pilot neglected to warn
anyone to get out of the way.
Oh, and on the deity's return noone apart from the slave trader tries to
souvenir anything from the pod. None of the mobbing early aviators like
Lindbergh had to put up with. Certainly not like the way von Richthofen's
Triplane was stripped, under shellfire, within an hour by the Australian
troops who shot him down.
And the slave trader recognises Aspirin, too. So easy to make, of course.
these are pretty bright monkeys on this here planet.
> ...
> The previous bit was bad, but at least somewhat forgiveable. Now...
> ...
>
> The pod finds the electromagnetic storm nearby and he dives back in. His
> chronometer ticks back to 2029 and comes out right near Earth. He crash
> lands in the mirror pool at the Mall in Washington DC. He calmly
> walks out
> of the pod and up to pay his respects to Lincoln. Unfortunately,
> Lincoln has
> gotten a little furry, and the inscription is in honor of Thade, who
> liberated the apes.
>
> Then the cops - in vintage 1990's patrol cars - and the press
> show up, all
> pointing guns and cameras. They're all apes too.
>
> Roll credits.
>
And you couldn't see that coming. BTW, Leo's just written off his second
pod, yet another reason why he shoulda taken Pericles back with him - which
was his original reason for leaving the Space station.
Oh, and everyone's speaking English again.
And it's nice to see, in subsequent posts, that the studio says the ending
was thrown in solely for the WOW factor rather than anything to do with plot
or story. It's really refreshing to hear a bit of honest cynicism from
studio execs. Now why, exactly, are there so few good films coming out of
Hollywood these days?
Brett
