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C L U B T O P 5
Price includes $90 Ticketmeister service charge.
==================================================================September 19, 2003
NOTE FROM CHRIS:
Today, September 19, is "Talk Like a Pirate Day."
Seriously! Check it out:
http://www.talklikeapirate.com Always socially conscious, we here at TopFive thought
we'd help out by offering you a nice long list of
pirate-like things you can say around your workplace.The Top 25 Things to Say at Work on Talk Like a Pirate Day
25> "No cover sheet on your expense report? Prepare yerself to be walking the plank, matey."
24> "Hop to it, dogs: Thar be leftover catering booty in the break
room for plunderin'."23> "Sixteen men an' a copier mess -- yo, ho, ho and a bottle of
toner."22> "Avast, men! Get a telescope full of the doubloons on *that*
vessel."21> "I'll be keelhaulin' the next one of ye what leaves ye filthy
Tupperware in the break room sink!"20> "Arrr, matey, have your parrot call my parrot and we'll
one day partake of noontime grub together."19> "No, Bob, I will not 'shiver your timbers.' I will, however,
call my attorney."18> "To arms, me lads! The spoils of the snack machine shall be
ours, to each in a fortieth share!"17> "Me cell phone fell deep into Davy Jones' locker!
Nobody flush... I'll go get me hook."16> "Save that last donut for me, unless ya care to feel the
cold steel of my hook hand up yer arse, matey."15> "Be that a peg leg, or arrr ye just happy to cast yer eyes
upon me?"14> "Fax ahoy, mateys!"
13> "Avast! A Team Builders meeting off our schedule's port bow!
Scuttle yer productivity, mateys, and prepare to be bored-ed!"12> "No increase in me pay? Arrr, boss, let me tell ye where ye
can store that hook!"11> "Hold that elevator, ye whoreson bilge rat!"
10> "Ye bent my ear with yer lubberly questions WITHOUT tryin'
a reboot first? Arrr! It's the plank for you, ye mangy
cur... and thank ye for calling Microsoft Tech Support!"9> "Arrr, load the Canon, wench, and collate me copies!"
8> "Avast, ya scurvy knave! Brave be ye, for certain, but arrr
ye willin' ta die fer that parking spot?" 7> "Twenty paces past the Magic Fountain of Water... bear ye
left past the Chamber of Meetings... and a minute's voyage
down the Great Carpeted Hallway... the unisex bathroom'll
be on yer port side." 6> "Aye, if it's a large treasure chest and amazin' booty ye
seek, fix yer gaze upon the receptionist." 5> "Boss, I'll be borrowin' a coupla doubloons from petty cash
fer some Ho Ho's and a bottle of rum."4> "Aaaarrrrrghhh! Who among us floated the air mead?"
3> "Arrr! I've arrr!anged for Arrr!lene in arrr!chives to send
up that arrr!ticle on arrr!bitration."2> "Avast, ye demon copy machine! Taste the wrath of my arse!"
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Thing to Say at Work on Talk Like a Pirate Day...
1> "Arrr, I have made note of yer demands and I have but one question for ye: Will ye be wantin' slivers o' potato fried in the popular French style with that?"
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]==================================================================
"Feces of Eight" and "Dreck Marks the Spot"
The Runners Up and Honorable Mention submissions
for today's list come later in this message.
==================================================================
Selected from 98 submissions from 41 contributors.
Today's Top 5 List authors are:
------------------------------------------------------------------
Sandra Hull, Arlington, VA -- 1 (29th #1/Hall of Famer)
Dave Goudsward, Lake Worth, FL -- 1 (13th #1)
Whit Watson, West Hartford, CT -- 2, 4
Pam Wylder, Bloomington, IL -- 3, 5
Joseph Moore, Concord, CA -- 6, 23
Chuck Smith, Woodbridge, VA -- 6 (Hall of Famer)
Curtis Matthews, Kennesaw, GA -- 7, 17, 21 (Hat trick!)
Peter Bauer, Rochester, NY -- 8, 23 (Hall of Famer)
Donald Junter, New Haven, CT -- 8, Banner Tag
Larry Hollister, Concord, CA -- 9 (Hall of Famer)
Carl Knorr, Devo City, OH -- 10, 13, 23 (Hat trick!)
Martin Bredeck, Hybla Valley, VA -- 11, 24
Dave Wesley, Pleasant Hill, CA -- 12, HM name (Hall of Famer)
Slick Sharkey, Miami, FL -- 14, 23 (Hall of Famer)
Lisa Lavoie, Warwick, RI -- 15
Jeff Rabinowitz, Wilkes-Barre, PA -- 16
Travis Ruetenik, Honolulu, HI -- 18
Chris Urich, Herkimer, NY -- 19
Colleen Stelmaszek, Houston, TX -- 20
Danny Gallagher, Austin, TX -- 22
Steve Hurd, Oakland, CA -- 25 (Hall of Famer)
Barbara McMahon, Ann Arbor, MI -- 25
John Mozena, Grosse Pointe Woods, MI -- Topic
Brad Simanek, Cedar Rapids, IA -- Runner Up list name
Chris White, Los Angeles, CA -- List owner/editor
Meanest Man Contest, Oakland, CA -- Ambience
Ambience explained: http://www.topfive.com/arcs_am/am091903.shtml==================================================================
~~~~ The ClubTop5 Too Much Fun Links of the Day! ~~~~
Stealth Disco Disco dancing behind unspecting colleagues, captured on video! http://www.stealthdisco.com
Thanks to Brian Jones for the tip.
-=++=-
Sex Contracts
Easy-to-generate sexual consent forms.
http://www.sex-contract.comThanks to Karen Hochman for the tip.
-=++=-
Send submissions to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
==================================================================
--==++ Rumination of the Day ++==--
I'm so stoked that my new Honda has these two holders for my Pringles and my bong. If only they had thought to make it so I could bring along a beverage, too.
(Brad Simanek)
Send submissions to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
==================================================================
--==++ TopFive's Comedy Cavalcade ++==--
Today: Current Events
Microsoft and Motorola are working together to develop the next generation of cell phones. They will operate using a version of the Microsoft Windows operating system and hence, will require only three keypad buttons: Control, Alt and Delete. (Brad Osberg)
A new reality series called "The Apprentice" begins shooting this
week in New York. It features Donald Trump putting 16 would-be
personal assistants through their paces. Every show wraps up
with a challenge in which immunity goes to the last person to
have his or her lips still planted firmly on The Donald's butt.
(Brad Osberg)The U.S. government said on Tuesday it was consolidating terrorist
watchlists to help law enforcement agencies. Larry Mefford, chief
of the FBI's counter-terrorism unit, said the center would improve
coordination and accuracy by creating "one stop shopping" for
police, airport screeners and other agencies for checking names
against watchlists. Mefford said this "one stop shopping" approach
would include the introduction of a "10 suspects or less" line.
(James Floyd)A new study suggests one puff on a cigarette could be enough
to get you hooked. If true, this makes cigarettes as addictive
as crack cocaine, heroin and Chunky Monkey ice cream.
(Brad Osberg)This is National Farm Animals Awareness Week, as well as National
Singles Week. The State Department issued a statement reminding
citizens of the illegality of celebrating both simultaneously.
(Brad Osberg)Send Current Events submissions to: [EMAIL PROTECTED]
==================================================================
The Runners Up & Honorable Mention submissions
----------------------------------------------
Runners up were almost good enough to make the main list,
but got edged out by other submissions. Honorable mentions
were good enough to still deserve some recognition.------------------------------------------------------------------
Things to Say at Work on Talk Like a Pirate Day
RUNNERS UP list -- Feces of Eight
------------------------------------------------------------------"'Meets expectations'? There now, me supervisor, would a shiv in
yer kidney meet expectations as well?"
(Mark Weiss, Austin, TX)"A little more eyeliner, lassie, and ye be as pretty as that
Johnny Depp scalawag!"
(Brad Simanek, Cedar Rapids, IA)"Ahoy! We'll be doin' some thoracic surgery today, me hearties!"
(Daniel Weckerly, Limerick, PA)"Arrr! Two pieces of eight and a gold doubloon, yet nowhere in the
dark depths of Davy Jones' locker is me Zagnut to be found."
(Travis Ruetenik, Honolulu, HI)"Avast, Captain! Take this here job and scrub your poop deck with
it, if ye catch me drift."
(Brad Simanek, Cedar Rapids, IA)"Avast, this Outlook meeting request shall be awash in acceptance."
(Barbara McMahon, Ann Arbor, MI)"I be leavin' early today, as this e'en is when I teach my
*peer-AH-tees* class... y'arr, I ne'er get tired of that one!"
(Brad Simanek, Cedar Rapids, IA)"I were lookin' o'er the payroll, me hearties, and I be havin' to
maroon one of ye scurvy bastards."
(Pam Wylder, Bloomington, IL)"Let's have me review on the poop deck, seein' as how I'll have me
nose so far up yer ass, matey."
(Colleen Stelmaszek, Houston, TX)"Our plundering operation is really not strategic. I recommend we
consider out-sourcing to the Huns."
(Joe Desiderio, New York, NY)"Vanna, show me an arrrrrrrrrr, please."
(Daniel Weckerly, Limerick, PA)"Well shiver me timbers, Dan actually put some booty in the coffee
fund."
(Jeff Rabinowitz, Wilkes-Barre, PA)
Runner Up list name (Brad Simanek, Cedar Rapids, IA)
------------------------------------------------------------------
Things to Say at Work on Talk Like a Pirate Day
HONORABLE MENTION list -- Dreck Marks the Spot
------------------------------------------------------------------"Any of this motley crew wish to spy the wenches at Hooters?"
(Whit Watson, West Hartford, CT)"Arrr! We be out of T.P. and I needs to swab me poop deck!"
(Steven Wilber, Pomeroy, WA)"Arrr, matey, I can't wait to beat the Mets next week."
(Joe Desiderio, New York, NY)"Arrr, me beauty. I've love to run aground on your thighs."
(Chuck Smith, Woodbridge, VA)"Avast, ye donut lubbers! Prepare to have yer meeting boarded!"
(Chris Urich, Herkimer, NY)"Aye Aye, Captain! Raise the sails! And speaking of raises...."
(Kevin Freels, Walnut Creek, CA)"Be that decaf, wench?"
(Peter Bauer, Rochester, NY)"Can anyone spare a doubloon for the vending machine? I'm
jonesing for a Bounty."
(Dave Juurlink, Toronto, Canada)"Federal regulators off the port bow! Fire, ya scurvy curs, FIRE!"
(Joseph Moore, Concord, CA)"Have Johnny Depp washed and sent to my cabi-- er, cubicle."
(Fran Fruit, Winnetka, IL)"Hot it be, and also humid."
(Jesse Weiss, Dallas, TX)"How's about a courtesy flush there, ya scurvy dog?"
(Dave Juurlink, Toronto, Canada)"I'm takin' the day off, cappy. If you don't like it, well, arrr."
(Barbara McMahon, Ann Arbor, MI)"Johnson was just in here, screaming about pillaging the break
room and stealing all the snack machine's 'Sweet Booty.' Should I
be calling HR?"
(Greg Preece, Toronto, Canada)"Just give me a grog with two Sweet'N Lows, matey."
(Danny Gallagher, Austin, TX)"Raise the skull and crossbones, lads! The scurvy dogs from the
SEC are sailing this way!"
(Tom Stoudt, Fort Washington, PA)"Shiver me timbers, who turned on the A/C?"
(Steve Hurd, Oakland, CA)"That's it! The next one o' ye that makes fun of me peg leg,
parrot and eye patch gets keelhauled! Now, get out of me cube!"
(David G. Scott, Kansas City, MO)"The government be plundering my doubloons!"
(Jesse Weiss, Dallas, TX)"The paper shredder, she be a cruel mistress."
(Danny Gallagher, Austin, TX)"There's yer booty, ye scurvy stranger. Will ye be handin' me
doubloons or that piece o' plastic?"
(Larry Hollister, Concord, CA)"This scurvy printer has two ports, yet nary a starboard to be
found."
(Travis Ruetenik, Honolulu, HI)"Ye scurvy lubber, I'll be shovin' this toner cartridge up ye
arse!"
(Bill Muse, Seattle, WA)
Honorable Mention list name (Dave Wesley, Pleasant Hill, CA)
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