Yesterday I inappropriately (as Dan gently pointed
out) tacked-on to the end of a post:
"Perhaps I am a bit piqued at what I see as an
underlying assumption Gautam makes when he attributes
bad intentions or stupidity to those who disagree with
him on certain issues -- You've assumed that people
I've never heard of, or at best marginally so
(Chomsky, frex, or that Karen person), represent *my*
viewpoints and thoughts. I think I'll contemplate
things a bit before responding further in this
thread."
It is unfortunate that I finally snapped at a time
when Gautam is understandably angry over external
affairs; in fact I share in that outrage, having been
an 'Army brat' with the personal experience of the
basic decency of the officers I knew. What happened
to those Iraqi prisoners was horrible, and unfairly
tars the entire service.
I've had the bones of a post on confrontational
discussion for some time now, and decided to flesh it
out a bit.
General
The impression that Southerners are more polite and
Northeasterners more "in yer face" when discussing
volatile topics is, I think, having lived and worked
in both cultures, generally true. Problem: those used
to more subtle disputation find direct attack boorish
and uncouth, while those used to flat-out
confrontation find such subtlety cowardly and
manipulative. Even when both parties are arguing in
good faith, and make their versions of a
peace-offering, misunderstanding occurs frequently,
leading both to be genuinely offended.
Specific
By upbringing, faith#, gender* and training, I am a
non-confronter; adjusting my argument/discussional
style to the "in-yer-facers" on the List has
been...challenging [waves cheerily to Erik ;) ]. In
spite of trying to keep in mind that the other person
doesn't _really_ mean to insult the doody out of me, I
find that after sending the equivalents of a flat
stare, next wrinkled muzzle and then flattened ears to
what seems an oblivious debater, I finally snarl and
snap. The lack of actual body language and
tone-of-voice, which I find so important to
conversation and understanding, is an additional
stumbling-block; words convey emotional overtones
quite poorly in comparison, and it would be easy for
me to miss a written 'open palm' when I'm at the
pinned-ears point.
While I often use humor as a defuser, it apparently
can be misinterpreted as frivolous or even
patronizing; from my standpoint, when someone ignores
a humorous offering, I usually jump straight from
'flat stare' to 'snap.' Conversely, humor combined
with an otherwise brash and arrogant statement
inclines me to at least listen more carefully and take
little-to-no-offense, but more usually to be
entertained as well [waves cheerily to Travis ;) ].
Of course, humor too varies regionally, with degrees
of subtlety and abrasiveness - <wry> and that too can
offend people unintentionally.
So I'll continue to attempt to adjust to you brash
fellows - just remember that I truly don't want to be
in a biting frame of mind!
"Was that subtle enough, Master?" said Jeannie, in an
episode whose storyline I've forgotten.
#The Lutheran Eleventh Commandment (Unwritten) is Thou
Shalt Not Confront.
*My girlfriends and I have often noted that in dealing
with boyfriends, not only do they 'just not get it,'
they so don't see the signals of a rising storm that
they are shocked to find out how truly angry we are,
when after a long series of thunder rumblings,
lightning strikes. While there was a lot of hoohah in
the book _Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus_,
the generalization that 'men negotiate, women
cooperate' is valid, IMO, and that carries over into
debate.
Umm, and in case you missed it, this was a complement
-- albeit a rather left-handed one. :)
Debbi
You Southern Boys And Married Men, By Virtue Of Your
Genteel Upbringing And Superior Training, I Presume
Did Not Miss It Maru ;)
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