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Red State Moral Values
After the election our nation is more divided
than ever. We are constantly swimming in a media barrage of colored
maps and pontification of the red state versus blue state rift in
America. We're told it has been an election about "moral values", as if
somehow we blue state voters on the losing side are somehow supporting
an immoral cause.
I decided to do a little reality-based
research into just what kind of moral example I should be following.
Since the voters in the red states have a lock on morality, maybe it is
time to look at just how well their morals have been working for them.
I combed through some state-by-state statistics compiled from the US
census, searching for the true effect of red state moral values. Here's
what I learned:
Marxist style "from each according to
ability, to each according to need" welfare socialism is a good thing.
The blue states have an
enormous tax base and pay disproportionately high taxes into the
government compared to the money they receive from the government. The red
states pay very little in taxes and receive disproportionately
high returns from the government. "Paying your own way" is for losers;
red states believe in sharing the wealth.
For every dollar paid in taxes, red state
North Dakota gets $2.03 back from the government. The rest of the Top
Ten Federal Welfare Queens are New Mexico, Mississippi,
Alaska, West Virginia, Montana, Alabama, South Dakota, Arkansas, and
Virginia, all red states, all receiving between $1.89
to $1.47 back for every dollar. (To be fair, the District of Columbia
is the biggest welfare queen, at $6.17 on the dollar, but it's not
really a state.
By contrast, eight of the Top
Ten Federal Sugar Daddies (states that get less back in
federal money than taxes paid) are blue states. New
Jersey only gets 62¢ back on its one dollar investment. Connecticut,
New Hampshire, Illinois, Minnesota, Massachusetts, California, and New
York all receive 64¢ to 81¢ back for each dollar taxed. Nevada and
Colorado, both red states, fall into this category as well, though I'm
not sure states that contain Las Vegas and Aspen are true
representatives of red states.
Marriage "until death do us part" is
a sacred union before God, unless it becomes a pain in the ass.
The blue states, those hotbeds of gay
marriage and "living in sin", also seem to be the places where couples
are least likely to get divorced. Massachusetts – the only state to
sanction gay marriage – has the lowest rate of divorce per capita.
The Top Ten 'Til Death Do Us Part states
with the lowest divorce rate include the blue states of Connecticut,
New Jersey, Rhode Island, New York, Pennsylvania, Wisconsin, Maryland,
and Minnesota, with North Dakota being the only red state to make the
list.
By contrast, all of states with the highest
divorce rates are red states. Of the Top Ten
Irreconcilable Differences states, Nevada,
unsurprisingly, leads the pack, followed by Arkansas, Oklahoma,
Tennessee, Wyoming, Indiana, Alabama, Idaho, New Mexico, and Florida.
Maybe this shouldn't come as a surprise when
you consider the example of the pundits and leaders that are so beloved
in the red states: Ronald Reagan (divorced), Bob Dole (divorced), Newt
Gingrich (divorced his wife while she was in the hospital dying of
cancer), George Will (divorced), Rush Limbaugh (divorced three times!),
and John McCain (divorced). To be fair, John Kerry and many other
Democrats have gotten divorced, too, but they never used "sanctity of
marriage" as a political wedge issue.
If grandma and grandpa have to choose
between rent and prescriptions, it's only because they were too stupid
or lazy to plan ahead for old age.
When you check the statistics of elderly
persons living below the poverty level, it is not so good to be a
senior citizen in a red state. The Top Ten Eating Cat Food
to Survive states are all red, led by Mississippi with
almost 19% of its seniors in poverty, followed by Louisiana, Alabama,
Kentucky, South Carolina, Arkansas, Georgia, Tennessee, North Carolina,
and New Mexico.
The Top Ten Living the Golden
Years states do provide a surprise with the reddest
state, Utah, leading the pack with only a little less than 6% of its
seniors living below the poverty level, followed by Alaska. However,
six of the ten states are blue (Oregon, Washington, Hawaii, Wisconsin,
New Hampshire, and Connecticut). Colorado and Nevada round out this Top
Ten.
Growing up without decent housing,
clothing, healthcare, and food builds character.
The percentage of children living in poverty
shows that it's better to be a kid in a blue state. Nine of the Top
Ten No New School Clothes This Year, Either states are
red, led by Mississippi with almost 27% of their kids living in
poverty, followed by Louisiana, New Mexico, West Virginia, Arkansas,
Alabama, Kentucky, Texas, and Oklahoma. The only blue state in the Top
Ten was New York, coming in ninth.
The blue states comprise seven out of the Top
Ten New Hundred Dollar Athletic Shoes Every School Year
states, topped by New Hampshire at 7.3% of their kids in poverty,
followed by Minnesota, Connecticut, Maryland, Vermont, New Jersey, and
Wisconsin. Only Utah, Iowa, and Colorado did as well at keeping their
kids out of poverty.
God loves poor people so much that he
made a whole lot of 'em.
The red state love of poverty hits more than
just children and the elderly. Mississippi hits the poverty trifecta,
leading the pack with almost 20% of all their citizens in poverty. The
rest of the Top Ten Living from Paycheck to Paycheck
states are all red, which includes Louisiana, New Mexico, West
Virginia, Alabama, Arkansas, Kentucky, Texas, Oklahoma, and Montana.
On the other side, the eight of the Top
Ten Taking The Family On A Real Vacation states are blue,
beginning with New Hampshire's rate of 6.5% of people in poverty,
followed by Connecticut, Minnesota, Maryland, New Jersey, Wisconsin,
Delaware, and Massachusetts. Only the red states Iowa and Colorado
bucked the trend.
Sometimes, though, God makes a few
too many poor people and has to take some back.
When you're born in a red state, there's
about a 1-in-5 chance of ending up in poverty. So it's better for these
kids to not survive infancy at all. Of the Top Ten Good
Luck Seeing A Birthday Cake states, nine of them are the
red states of Mississippi, Louisiana, Alabama, South Carolina, North
Dakota, Tennessee, Georgia, North Carolina, and Arkansas, with infant
mortality rates that range as high as 10.5 deaths per 1,000 live
births. Surprisingly, blue Delaware tops them all at 10.7, which just
shows that there is some hope for morality in the blue states.
When you look at the Top Ten
Likely to Eat Solid Food Everyday states, once again it's
good to be in New Hampshire, where only 3.8 out of 1,000 babies die,
followed by six more blue states (New Hampshire, Massachusetts,
Minnesota, California, Oregon, Vermont, and Washington). Your kid is
also likely to eventually take baby steps in the red states of Utah,
Iowa, and Nevada.
The best kind of housing is made in a
factory.
Being poor in a red state means that you have
the freedom to hook up a big truck to your house and tow it to another
place. Home ownership is for leftists; real freedom means living in a
trailer house… I mean "mobile home"… no, make that "manufactured
home". The Top Ten Houses Likely To Be Wiped Out By God's
Wrath During Tornado Season states are all red, led by
South Carolina, where one out of five houses are delivered, not built.
Rounding out the Top Ten are New Mexico, West Virginia, Mississippi,
North Carolina, Alabama, Wyoming, Arkansas, Montana, and Kentucky.
Compare that to the Top Ten
Houses without Wheels states, which are all blue, led by
Hawaii, where only two-tenths of a percent of the homes are mobile. I
suppose being in the middle of the Pacific Ocean also has something to
do with this. The other nine states in this list are Connecticut,
Massachusetts, New Jersey, Rhode Island, Maryland, New York, Illinois,
California, and Wisconsin.
You can do everything you need to do
in this world with a high school edumacation.
Everyone knows that the only thing college
will do for our youth is indoctrinate them into wicked liberal
philosophy and immoral behavior. That's why the red states feel it is
so important to keep their kids out of these bastions of depravity. The
Top Ten We Don't Need No Education
states are all red, led by West Virginia, where only a little less than
16% of people age 25 or older have a Bachelor's Degree or more,
followed by Arkansas, Wyoming, Oklahoma, Idaho, Mississippi, Tennessee,
Kentucky, Louisiana, and Nevada.
By contrast, the Top Ten I've
Got An Alma Mater states are dominated by blue states,
starting with Maryland at over 37%, followed by Virginia,
Massachusetts, Connecticut, New Jersey, Vermont, Minnesota, New
Hampshire, and Rhode Island. Only red Colorado managed to crack this
list.
Traffic fatalities just weed out the
weak and ineffective drivers.
Have you ever driven around the congested
traffic of a blue state and longed for the wide-open road of the
American heartland? Well, forget about it, commie, because out in the
red states they don't concern themselves with such nanny-state concepts
as safety. When you compare traffic fatalities per 100,000,000 miles
driven, only the strong survive in "flyover country". The Top
Ten Mad Max beyond Thunderdome states are all red, with
Louisiana knocking off 2.32 drivers, followed by Montana, South
Carolina, Mississippi, Wyoming, Arkansas, Arizona, South Dakota, New
Mexico, and Florida.
If you don't feel like driving like a real
man, consider the Top Ten Sitting Like A Dolt in a Traffic
Jam states, nine of which are baby blue, led by
Massachusetts with only 0.9 dead drivers per 100,000,000 miles,
followed by Vermont, Connecticut, Rhode Island, Minnesota, New Jersey,
New Hampshire, New York, and Washington. Only Utah made it into this
list, just creeping in at 10th place.
The so-called "energy crisis" is just
a myth made up by a vast left-wing conspiracy.
Don't let anyone fool you with talk of
conservation of finite precious natural resources or the pending
ecological disaster of global warming. God gave us everything on earth
to use up just as fast as we possibly can. Of the Top Ten
I Got Yer Greenhouse Gases Right Here, Pal states, nine
of them are red, led by Alaska's use of over one billion BTU's per
person per year. The other red states in the list include Louisiana,
Wyoming, Montana, North Dakota, Texas, Kentucky, Indiana, and Alabama.
The only blue state to make the list, coming in 10th, was Maine (not
always a blue state).
On the opposite end, eight of the Top
Ten Look I'm a Tree-Hugging Enviro-Fairy states are blue,
starting with Hawaii, where they only consume 219 million BTU's per
person per year. This list also includes Rhode Island, New York,
California, Connecticut, New Hampshire, Vermont, and Massachusetts. Two
red states, Arizona and Florida (they went blue this time), also made
the list.
So take heart, blue states. We've got the
sage wisdom of poor divorced high school graduates in trailer houses
choosing the people who will provide us clear moral leadership on the
economy, marriage, education, and housing. The states that take the
most federal welfare, yet still can't adequately provide for their very
old or very young, will control the tough decisions about health care
and Social Security. The places consuming the most energy will direct
our policy on the environment. Now, just stay out of their way or
they'll run you over in their pickup truck.
To sum it all up:
A Blue State person is
probably a Liberal, Democrat, Educated, Highest Avg IQs, College
Degree, Good Income well above the National Average, Good Job or Owns a
Business, has Family Health Insurance, owns a House (built on site),
Owns a New Vehicle, takes Yearly Family Vacations, lives in a Low Crime
Rate area, Family is in Good Health with all their Teeth, Will Live
Longer, has Lower Divorce Rate, eats Better Food, Worth a Million when
they Die, a Better Life. What A Life! They got Obama elected.
A Red State person is
probably a Conservative, Republican, Born Again (probably many times),
Bigoted, Under-Educated, Lowest Avg IQs, High School Diploma or GED or
even less, Low Income well below the National Average, Bad Job, No
Family Health Insurance, owns or rents a Manufactured House/Trailer,
Owns a Beater Vehicle, Vacations only when Laid Off from Work, lives in
a High Crime Rate area, Family is in Poor Health, Missing
Teeth, Shorter Life Span, has High Divorce Rate when or
if Married, Lives Off of Fast Junk Food, Gets Welfare or Assistance,
Incest a Way of Life. Worth Nothing when they Die, That's A Life? They
got George W Bush elected. Yee Haw!
This last election, a few traditional Red States went Blue,
but they will probably go back to being Red along with their rotten
teeth, if any.
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