And in turn the Yanks respond thusly:
DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE FROM THE REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE
To the people of the United Kingdom,
We are in receipt of your Notice of Revocation of Independence and wish to
laugh heartily in your general direction. Lest you forget, we won our
independence in a battle of arms; it was not granted, and you may not revoke
it. In order to make this clear, and to prevent the mistake from happening
again, a full carrier battle group will be arriving off your coast within a
week. You should be aware that the group will be loaded to the waterline
with Tomahawk missles, in case you wish to fight about anything. You think
V2s were bad? You ain't seen nothin' yet.
Now, being a reasonable people, and not enitrely enamored with the idea of
dropping tons of metal on the head of our estranged mother -- though, at
times, the concept is very tempting -- we are willing to make certain
concessions which may soothe your pride whilst allowing us to resolve this
nasty electoral dispute we have been having.
THEREFORE, it is resolved:
The United States officially cedes Florida to you, along with its full
compliment of feeble elderly, Cuban immigrants, and mosquitos. We will
impose, as a condition of this agreement, the requirement that all future
cigar trade be tariff-free. You are also entitled to use the Kennedy Space
Center, although we will be taking our shuttles and going home. If you can
come up with anything that will get into outer space, feel free -- even if
it means cavorting with the French.
It is FURTHER resolved that you will also receive California. Hollywood
manages to turn the Infinite Monkeys Effect to good use to turn out a
worthwhile movie every couple years, but other than that the place is
otherwise a wasteland. Now, your country can have such wonderful tourist
attractions as Disneyland! Sure beats the bejeezus out of yon pile of rocks
people are always staring at, doesn't it? We also revoke all claim to Los
Angeles and the Silicon Valley area, and further suggest the use of tactical
nuclear weapons as an urban renewal program.
IN ADDITION, as it is common knowledge that you are still bitter about the
termination of that whole "Sun Never Sets On Britain" global empire thing,
we are furthermore willing to surrender our states of Alaska and Hawaii, as
they're far away and we don't do much with them. Alaska is a pretty dismal
place, much like your moors, only colder. Hawaii is a good place to
vacation to, though; you should visit sometime and get some sun on your
pale, northern, fog-wrapped skins. It's an island state, you'll feel right
at home.
However, we intend to keep the remaining 46 states, and refuse to submit to
your silly rules regarding language, the playing of this "soccer" game, and
drinking tea. We are also firmly resigned to never try to understand the
game of cricket.
BE it so resolved, here in Congreff, this 15th Day of November, in the year
2000.
>
> NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE
>
> To the citizens of the United States of America,
> In the light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and thus to
> govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your
> independence, effective today.
>
> Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties
> over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which
> she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The rt. hon. Tony Blair, MP
> for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there
> is a world
> outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need
> for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A
> questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you
> noticed.
>
> To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following
> rules are introduced with immediate effect:
>
> 1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then
> look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at
> just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. Generally, you should raise
> your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same
> twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you
> know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up
> "interspersed".
>
> 2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on
> your behalf.
>
> 3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It
> really isn't that hard.
>
> 4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the
> good guys.
>
> 5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen",
> but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get
> confused and give up half way through.
>
> 6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of
> football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good
> game.
> The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders
> may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no
> longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.
> Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a
> difficult
> game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby
> (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve
> stopping for
> a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like
> nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by
> 2005.
>
> 7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if
> they give you any merde. The 98.85% of you who were not aware that there
> is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky.
> The Russians
> have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "sh*t".
>
> 8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new
> national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".
>
> 9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your
> own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
>
> 10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
>
> Thank you for your cooperation.
>
> Philip Arnold
> ASP Multimedia Limited
> T: +44 (0)20 8680 1133
>
> "Websites for the real world"
>
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