> You may have seen these before, but it's been a while since I had, and
> they're good for a giggle.
>
> A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert Quotes" contest. They were looking for
> people to submit quotes from their real life Dilbert-type managers.
> Here are the finalists:
> 1. "As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building
> using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday
> and employees will receive their cards in two weeks."
>
> (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corp. in
> Redmond, WA.)
>
> 2. "What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will
> encounter."
>
> (Lykes Lines Shipping)
>
> 3. "E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should
> be used only for company business."
>
> (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)
>
> 4 "This project is so important, we can't let things that are more
> important interfere with it."
> (Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)
>
> 5. "Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule."
>
>
> 6. No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been
> working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let
> you know when it's time to tell them."
>
> (R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)
>
> 7. "My boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that
> only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and
> she couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected."
>
> (CIO of Dell Computers)
>
> 8. Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say."
>
> (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)
>
> 9. My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When
> I told my Boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss
> work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her
> burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me."
>
> (Shipping executive, FTD Florists)
>
> 10. "We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not
> going to discuss it with the employees." (Switching supervisor, AT&T Long
> Lines Division)
>
>
>
> 11. We recently received a memo from senior management saying: "This is
> to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the memo
> mentioned above."
>
> (Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)
>
> 12. One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning
> a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough.
> He said, "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to
> ask for it!"
>
> (New business manager, Hallmark Greeting Cards.)
>
> 13. As director of communications, I was asked to prepare a memo
> reviewing our company's training programs and materials. In the body of
> the memo, in one of the sentences, I mentioned the "pedagogical approach"
> used by one of the training manuals. The day after I routed the memo to
> the executive committee, I was called into the HR director's office, and
> told that the executive vice president wanted me out of the building by
> lunch. When I asked why, I was told that she wouldn't stand for perverts
> (pedophiles?) working in her company. Finally, he showed me her copy of
> the memo, with her demand that I be fired and the word "pedagogical"
> circled in red. The HR manager was fairly reasonable, and once he looked
> the word up in his dictionary and made a copy of the definition to send
> back to her,he told me not to worry. He would take care of it. Two days
> later, a memo to the entire staff came out directing us that no words that
> could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be used in company
> memos. A month later, I resigned. In accordance with company policy, I
> created my resignation memo by pasting words together from the Sunday
> paper.
>
> (Taco Bell Corporation).
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