as many late night Kerry jokes and they are just as
funny.
What ever happened to fair and balanced humor:)
-sm
--- "Erika L. Walker-Arnold" <[EMAIL PROTECTED]>
wrote:
> LATE NIGHT QUOTES
>
> "President Bush went out touting his economic record
> in Ohio last week.
> Now this is a state that lost 225,000 jobs since
> Bush took office. You
> know, if Bush wants to tout his record, he should do
> it somewhere where
> the Bush economy has actually created jobs, like
> India, or Thailand or
> China."
> --Jay Leno
>
> "President Bush has unveiled his first campaign
> commercial, highlighting
> all of his accomplishments in office. That's why
> it's a 30-second spot."
> -- Jay Leno
>
> "President Bush says he has just one question for
> the American voters:
> "Is the rich person you're working for better off
> now than they were
> four years ago?"
> -- Jay Leno
>
> "The election is in full-swing. Republicans have
> taken out
> round-the-clock ads promoting George Bush. Don't we
> already have that?
> It's called Fox News."
> -- Craig Kilborn
>
> "Kerry is well on his way to reaching his magic
> number of
> 2,162.That'sthe total number of delegates he needs
> to win the Democratic
> nomination. See for President Bush it's different.
> His magic number is
> 5. That's the number of Supreme Court judges needed
> to win."
> -- Jay Leno
>
> "There was a scare in Washington when a man climbed
> over the White House
> wall and got arrested. This marks the first time a
> person has gotten
> into the White House unlawfully since President
> Bush."
> -- David Letterman
>
> "A new poll says that if the election were held
> today, John Kerry would
> beat President Bush by a double digit margin. The
> White House is so
> worried about this, they're now thinking of moving
> up the capture of
> Osama Bin Laden to next month."
> -- Jay Leno
>
> "The White House is now backtracking from its
> prediction that 2.6
> million new jobs will be created in the U.S. this
> year. They say they
> were off by roughly 2.6 million jobs."
> -- Jay Leno
>
> "In Louisiana, President Bush met with over 15,000
> National Guard
> troops. Here's the weird part, nobody remembers
> seeing him there."
> -- Craig Kilborn
>
> "President Bush said he was 'troubled' by gay people
> getting married in
> San Francisco. He said on important issues like this
> the people should
> make the decision, not judges. Unless of course
> we're choosing a
> president, then he prefers judges."
> -- Jay Leno
>
> "The White House has now released military documents
> that they say prove
> George Bush met his requirements for the National
> Guard. Big deal, we've
> got documents that prove Al Gore won the election."
> -- Jay Leno
>
> "There was an embarrassing moment in the White House
> earlier today. They
> were looking around while searching for George
> Bush's military records.
> They actually found some old Al Gore ballots."
> -- David Letterman
>
> "On 'Meet the Press' yesterday President Bush was
> asked what he would do
> if he lost the election and Bush said, ''Phhh, you
> mean like last
> time?'"
> -- Jay Leno
>
> "This week, both John Kerry and Wesley Clark are
> making campaign
> appearance with the guys who saved their lives in
> Vietnam. Meanwhile
> President Bush is campaigning with a guy that once
> took a math test for
> him."
> -- Conan O'Brien
>
> "President Bush released his new $2.4 trillion
> federal budget. It has
> two parts: smoke and mirrors."
> -- Jay Leno
>
> "Bush admitted that his pre-war intelligence won't
> what it should have
> been. We knew that when we elected him!"
> -- Jay Leno
>
> "It's weird watching President Bush struggle with
> excuses for why we
> went to war. As he struggles, it reminds us all what
> a terrific liar
> Bill Clinton really was."
> -- Craig Kilborn
>
> "As you know President Bush gave his State of the
> Union Address,
> interrupted 70 times by applause and 45 times by
> really big words."
> -- Jay Leno
>
> "President Bush said that American workers will need
> new skills to get
> the new jobs in the 21st century. Some of the skills
> they're going to
> need are Spanish, Chinese, Korean, because that's
> where the jobs went."
> -- Jay Leno
>
> "President Bush wants to build a space station on
> the moon. And from the
> moon, he wants to launch people to Mars. You know
> what this means. He's
> been drinking again."
> -- David Letterman
>
> "Former Treasury Secretary Paul O'Neill has written
> a book about his
> years with the Bush Administration. He said that
> President Bush while at
> cabinet meetings is disengaged, he's uninformed,
> distracted, he's
> passive, and the Democrats are saying to themselves,
> "How can we
> possibly beat this guy?"
> -- David Letterman
>
> The new Prime Minister of Spain has called the war
> in Iraq a disaster,
> and plans to bring his troops home as soon as
> possible. In fact,
> President Bush is so upset at Spain that he is now
> threatening to close
> down the border between Spain and the U.S.
> -- Jay Leno
>
> The U.S. army confirmed that it gave a lucrative
> fighting contract in
> Iraq to the firm once run by the Vice President Dick
> Cheney without any
> competitive bidding. When asked if this could be
> conceived as Cheney's
> friends profiting from the war, the spokesman said
> "Yes.'"
> -- Conan O'Brien
>
> "Dick Cheney finally responded today to demands that
> he reveal the
> details of the Enron meetings. This is what he said.
> He met with unnamed
> people, from unspecified companies, for an
> indeterminate amount of time
> at an undisclosed location. Thank God he cleared
> that up."
> -- Jay Leno
>
> "Plans are being discussed as to who will replace
> Dick Cheney if he has
> to resign for health reasons. It's not easy for
> President Bush, he can't
> just name a replacement. He would first have to be
> confirmed by the oil,
> gas and power companies. "
> -- Jay Leno
>
> "President Bush spoke briefly to reporters before
> playing a round of
> golf in Crawford, Texas earlier today. ... This
> raises the question:
> Shouldn't the guy who is really running the country
> and who has had like
> 20 heart attacks be taking the vacation?"
> -- Craig Kilborn
>
>
> Back in 2000 a Republican friend warned me that if I
> voted for Al Gore
> and he won, the stock market would tank, we'd lose
> millions of jobs, and
> our military would be totally overstretched. You
> know what? I did vote
> for Gore, he did win, and I'll be damned if all
> those things didn't come
> true!"
> -- James Carville
>
>
>
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