Deep Thoughts
by Jack Handy
1. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a
day;
teach that person to use the Internet and they
won't bother you for weeks.
2. Some people are like slinkies...not really good
for anything, but you still can't help but smile
when you see one tumble down the stairs.
3. I read recipes the same way I read science
fiction. I get to the end and I think, " Well,
that's not going to happen."
4. Health nuts are going to feel really stupid
someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
5. The other night I ate at a real family
restaurant.
Every table had an argument going.
6. Have you noticed since everyone has a
camcorder these days.....
no one talks about seeing UFO's like they used
to?
7. According to a recent survey, men say the first
thing they notice about a woman is their eyes,
and women say the first thing they notice about
men is they're a bunch of liars.
8. Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
9. All of us could take a lesson from the weather.
It pays no attention to criticism.
10. Have you noticed that a slight tax increase
costs you two hundred dollars.....
and a substantial tax cut saves you about
thirty cents?
11. In the 60's people took acid to make the world
weird.
Now the world is weird and people take Prozac
to make it normal.
12. Politics is supposed to be the second oldest
profession.
I have come to realize that it bears a very close
resemblance to the first.
13. There is a theory, which states that if ever
anybody discovers exactly what the universe is
for and why it is here, it will instantly
disappear and be replaced by something even
more bizarre and inexplicable.
There is another theory which states that this
has already occurred.
14. How is it one careless match can start a forest
fire,
but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
15. You read about all those terrorists..most of
them came here legally, but they hung around
on these expired visas, some for as long as ...
10-15 YEARS.
Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you're two
days late with a video and those people are all
over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of
immigration.
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