This is a take off on the ridiculous pit bull &
other
dog bans going on in what used to be the USA.
(This is not True YET!)
Joe Citizen stared in confusion at his buckled and broken garage
door.
Missing from within was Joes prized muscle car, a 1970 Cuda, he
affectionately refers to as Red.
Earlier today police officers, under the direction of a bicycle
mechanic,
arrived at Joes home in the neighborhood of Unbelievable, a
subdivision
within the Dumber city limits. The bicycle mechanic cut the locks off of
his
garage and police hauled Red away. Red was taken to the city
impound
facility .If Joe cannot find someone from outside the city to give his
car a
new home within 72 hours, Red will be destroyed.
In the past year over a thousand cars have been declared dangerous
and
destroyed by the City Of Dumber. Empowered by a new city wide ban on
muscle
cars, authorities may enter a residents property to remove and
destroy
their vehicle if it is determined to be a muscle car or has the
propensity
to be a muscle car. City bicycle mechanics have been assigned the task
of
determining which cars are muscle cars and can direct police to
confiscate
those vehicles without the annoying and time consuming process of
acquiring
a judges warrant.
Solemnly toeing an oil spot the floor Joe shakes his head in
disbelief,
muttering over and over, I dont understand? How can they do this? How
can
they come into my home and take my property without a warrant, without
any
proof of illegal activity?
Well Joe, heres how.
Last year, while muscle car enthusiasts were busy enjoying themselves at
car
shows, drag races and swap meets, the Dumber City Council was passing a
ban
on the ownership of these vehicles. The new city ordinance outlaws not
only
the ownership of muscle cars it includes cars that appear as if they
might
have muscle car parts and cars that might be capable of performing as
muscle
cars.
After Councilman Dee Imwits second cousins brothers sister-in-laws
child
was involved in an accident with a muscle car, Imwit spearheaded a
fact-finding mission to determine just what threat to the public was
posed
by muscle cars. After reading many tabloid and sensationalist media
publications and visiting the website of the national organization,
People
Against People Owning Stuff That Scares Us, otherwise known as
P.A.P.O.S.S.U., the councilman says his mission became clear.
According to Imwit and a majority of the Dumber City Council, recent
studies
prove that muscle cars are involved in a percentage of accidents within
the
city limits. Some of these accidents have even involved the death of
citizen. Councilwoman Ima Follower gave her reason for supporting
the ban.
These things (muscle cars) are a public safety nightmare, said
Follower.
I mean, they have these big huge engines and theyre all wrapped in
steel.
One of these muscle cars runs into a Toyota and its like a shark
hammering
into a mullet!
Councilman M.E. Too, up for re-election next month, had this to say. I
saw
one of these things at the drag races. The way it whipped its tail back
and
forth waiting for the green light, it looked just like a shark, it
was
really scary. Wow, when the light changes these muscle cars just go
off!
Some go 90mph and some 150mph, they really are unpredictable and
thats
really scary! Councilman Too adds that his concern is for the
publics
safety. We have to be proactive about these things, said Too.
Speaking of the provisions that included vehicles with muscle car parts
and
vehicles that appeared to be capable of performing like muscle cars,
Imwit
and the Council stated that the bicycle mechanics would ensure that
only
those cars that posed a threat to the public would be destroyed.
Council
members believe that the bicycle mechanics knowledge of rotating things
and
chains and peddles gives them the experience needed to make the hard call
as
to which cars are really muscle cars and therefore dangerous and need to
be
destroyed. According to Imwit, These bicycle mechanics are really
sharp on
this automobile stuff. They see the results of cars crashing into bikes
all
the time. Besides, theyre a whole lot cheaper to hire than real V-8
mechanics. We, the Council, thought it was a good way to not only
protect
the publics safety but to save the taxpayers some money at the same
time.
Head Bicycle Mechanic and Muscle Car Enforcement Officer Al Carzuck
said
impounding and destroying vehicles that resembled muscle cars was
also
important for the publics safety. Carzuck stated in our interview,
These
cars may not be registered as muscle cars but, believe me, they can be
just
as dangerous. In the wrong hands, with the right modifications, they can
be
just as deadly as a real muscle car. Theyre like killer sharks. We have
to
watch out for the publics safety.
Meanwhile at 5555 Whadaheck St., Jane Average gazes sadly at the place
her
sons sandbox used to be. Yea, I know it looked sorta like a Camaro,
said
Jane, but inside it was just a sandbox like any other
sandbox.
Who authorizes a bicycle mechanic to be an expert on dangerous cars,
Ms.
Average asks, and what gives the government the right to knock down
my
fence and take our sandbox? What will I tell Average, Jr.? He grew up
with
that sandbox, he loved that thing. Jane also wonders why the city is
not
required to reimburse her for the property they confiscated or why it had
to
be destroyed.
As reported by A.Stounded to
