I laughed till I had tears.....LOL....TY!!!! Just too funny!!!!!!
Heather Ferrier wrote:
Taser
>
> Classic...don't tell me you can read this without laughing...
>
>
> (Only a guy would do this!) A guy who purchased his lovely wife a
pocket
> Taser for their anniversary submitted this :
>
> Last weekend at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop I was looking for a little
> something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a
100,000-volt
> pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to
be short
> lived, with no long-term adverse affect on an assailant. The idea is
to
> allow my wife -- who would never consider a gun --adequate time to
retreat
> to safety. WAY TOO COOL!!
>
> Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded
in two
> triple-a batteries and pushed the button. Nothing! I was
disappointed. But
> then I read (yes, 'read') that if I pushed the button AND pressed it
against
> a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of
electricity
> darting back and forth between the prongs and I'd know it was
>
> working.
>
> Awesome!!! (Actually, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn
spot is
> on the face of her microwave). Okay, so I was home alone with this
new toy,
> thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two
triple-A
> batteries, right?!! There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie
looking on
> intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions
and
> thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and
blood
> moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a
fraction
> of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But,
if I
> was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a
mugger,
> I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I
> wrong?
>
> So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
glasses
> perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand,
and
> taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would
shock
> and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to
cause
> muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second
burst would
> purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of
water.
> Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
>
> So, I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked
to one
> side as if to say, "don't do it," reasoning that a one-second burst
from
> such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided
to give
> myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the
prongs to
> my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF
MASS
> DESTRUCTION @[EMAIL PROTECTED]@*!!!
>
> I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked
me up in
> the recliner, and body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over
and
> over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal
position,
> with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire,
testicles
> nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the
oddest
> position, and tingling in my legs.
>
> You should know, if you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a
> taser,that there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap
> yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged
from your
> hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.
>
> SON-OF-A-... that hurt like hel . !!! A minute or so later (I can't
be
> sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected what
little
> wits I had left, sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading
glasses
> were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there??? My
> triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face
felt
> like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88
lbs.
> I'm still looking for my testicles!! I'm offering a significant
reward for
> their safe return.
>
>
> Still in shock, Earl
>
>
/"As the deer pants for the streams of water, so my soul pants for you
o Lord"/ Psalm 42:1
Check out our new website!!
www.roundthecrosscanines.com <http://www.roundthecrosscanines.com/>
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