Taser > > Classic...don't tell me you can read this without laughing... > > > (Only a guy would do this!) A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket > Taser for their anniversary submitted this : > > Last weekend at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop I was looking for a little > something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a 100,000-volt > pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short > lived, with no long-term adverse affect on an assailant. The idea is to > allow my wife -- who would never consider a gun --adequate time to retreat > to safety. WAY TOO COOL!! > > Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded in two > triple-a batteries and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. But > then I read (yes, 'read') that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against > a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity > darting back and forth between the prongs and I'd know it was > > working. > > Awesome!!! (Actually, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is > on the face of her microwave). Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, > thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A > batteries, right?!! There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on > intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and > thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood > moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction > of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I > was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, > I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I > wrong? > > So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses > perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and > taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock > and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause > muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would > purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. > Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. > > So, I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one > side as if to say, "don't do it," reasoning that a one-second burst from > such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give > myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to > my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS > DESTRUCTION @[EMAIL PROTECTED]@*!!! > > I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in > the recliner, and body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and > over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, > with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles > nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest > position, and tingling in my legs. > > You should know, if you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a > taser,that there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap > yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your > hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. > > SON-OF-A-... that hurt like hel . !!! A minute or so later (I can't be > sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected what little > wits I had left, sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses > were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there??? My > triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt > like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. > I'm still looking for my testicles!! I'm offering a significant reward for > their safe return. > > > Still in shock, Earl > >
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