5 TYPES OF WOMEN WHEN MAKING LOVE:
Pesimist - no! no! no!
Optimist - yes! yes! yes!
Athletic - faster! faster! faster!
Religious - Oh God! Oh God!
Confused - No! No! Yes! Yes! Faster! Oh God!
5 things wrong with the penis:
1. has hole in the head
2. a ring around the colar.
3. hangs out with a couple of nuts.
4. sleeps next to an asshole.
5. when excited it throws up & dies.
What did Bill Gates wife say to him on their wedding night? Now I know why
you named your company MICROSOFT!!
Ever heard of the Australian kiss? It's just like the french kiss only it's
"DOWNUNDER!"
A 2 PART STORY: Husband and wife lying in bed, Husband reading a book, wife
sleeping. Husband stops reading & fingers his wife. Wife gets aroused but
husband goes back to reading. Wife complains 'bitin!.
Husband says he didn't want to have sex. I just needed to get my fingers
wet so I can turn the pages of my book!!!
What are the 3 wonders of a woman?
1st she can bleed 4-5 days w/o dyin.
2nd she can make milk that doesn't turn sour.
3rd she can turn meat into stone!
Q: What is worse than being raped by Jack the Ripper?
A: Being fingered by Capt. Hook!
Recipe for love cake:
Ingredients : 2 laughing eyes
2 loving arms
2 well shaped legs
2 firm milk containers
2 large nuts
1 large banana!
Wife: Love, I'm so sorry I forgot it's your B-day today.
Husband: I don't need a gift. All I want is for you to love, honor & obey.
Wife: Can I just buy you a gift?
Do you know that....
On the 1st year of marriage the wife will talk and the husband will listen.
On the 2nd year of marriage the husband will talk and the wife will listen.
On the 3rd, Both will talk and neighbors will listen.
Green Jokes alert!!!
News Flash : Kermit the frog uses Viagra and becomes "PALAKANTOT!"
What is the difference between the heat of a woman and heat of the
boiling water?
Boiling water- softens the meat.
Heat of the woman - hardens the meat!
The principle of baldness: If a guy is bald in the front, he is a "THINKER"
If a guy is bald in the back he is SEXY. If bald throughout he THINKS HE'S
SEXY!
What is the similarity between a girl and a payphone - insert pennies to
activate!
Q: why is a man's car an extension of his Dick?
1. It fells good when it's fast
2. goes smooth when lubricated
3. it's useless when it's flat!
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Three mice are sitting in a bar:
The first mouse takes a swig of his beer and says, "I am a bad-ass mouse;
I'm so tough that in my neighborhood we have these big mouse traps. I walk
up to them, grab the cheese, catch the bar and press it up and down with
one arm while I eat the cheese. I'm a bad ass mouse."
The second mouse takes a couple swigs of his beer and says, "Thats nothin'.
In my heighborhood we have that rat poison shit, and I grab it and eat,
throw it in my water, gargle it. It ain't nothin. I am a bad ass mouse."
The third mouse slams his beer, gets up and starts walking away. The other
two look at him and say, "Where are you going?" The third mouse looks at
the other two and says "I'm going home to fuck the cat."
I've fallen and I can't get up:
A man walks in to a bar and orders a drink. He looks down the bar and sees
another piss drunk man keep falling off his stool. The man finishes his
drink watching the other man try to get back up on the stool. Feeling sorry
for the drunk, the man tries to stand him up, but the drunk keeps falling.
The man thinks that this drunk needs to be taken home, so he finds his
address in his wallet. On the way to his car, the man had to practically
carry the drunk man. After finally finding his house, the man carries the
drunk man to the front door. He rings the doorbell and a lady answers.
Ma'am, your husband is drunk, so I decided to give him a lift home."
The woman replies, "Thank you sir, but I have one question...
Where's his wheelchair?"
Angus McClod: Scotch Connoisseur:
Angus McClod walks into a bar and asks for a bottle of forty-year old
Scotch. The bartender, not wanting to go down to the basement and deplete
his supply of the rare and expensive liquor, pours a shot of ten-year
Scotch and figures that his customer won't be able to tell the difference.
Angus downs the Scotch and says: "My good man, that Scotch is only ten
years old. I specifically asked for forty-year old Scotch."
Amazed, the bartender reaches into a locked cabinet underneath the bar and
pulls out a bottle of twenty-year old Scotch and pours the man a shot.
The customer drinks it down and says, "That was twenty-year old Scotch. I
asked for forty-year old Scotch."
So the bartender goes into the back room and brings out a bottle of
thirty-year old Scotch and pours the customer a drink. By now a small crowd
has gathered around the man and is watching anxiously as he downs the
latest drink.
Once again Angus states the true age of the Scotch and repeats his original
request for forty-year old Scotch.
The bartender can hold off no longer and disappears into the cellar to get
a bottle of prime forty-year old Scotch. Soon, the bartender returns with
the bottle and pours a shot. Angus downs the Scotch and says, "Now this is
forty-year old Scotch!"
The crowd applauds his discriminating palate. An old drunk who had been
watching the proceedings with interest, raises a full shot glass of his
own: "I bet you think you're real smart," slurs the drunk. "Here, take a
swig of this."
Rising to the challenge, Angus takes the glass and downs the drink in one
swallow. Immediately, he chokes and spits out the liquid on the barroom floor.
"My God!" Angus exclaims. "That tastes like piss!" "Great guess," says the
drunk. "Now, how old am I?"
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A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also
the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.
"I'm sorry sir, but I am blind, and can't read the menu. Just bring me a
dirty fork from a previous customer, I'll smell it and order from there."
A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up
a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The
blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath. "Ah, yes
that's what I'll have, meatloaf and mashed potatoes."
Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks towards the kitchen.
The cook happens to be the owner's wife and he tells her
what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves. Several
days later the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu
again. "Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man."
"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork." The
owner again retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man. After
another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great, I'll take the
Macaroni and cheese with broccoli.
Once again walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is
screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind
man comes in he's going to test him. The blind man eats and leaves.
He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and
runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife, "Mary rub his fork on your panties
before I take it to the blind man."
Mary complies and hands her husband the fork back. As the blind man walks
in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.
"Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork
ready for you."
The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and says, "Hey
I didn't know that Mary worked here?"
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One day a Malaysian tourist went to Thailand.The Tourist ordered a lobster
for his dinner. After he finished, he asked the waiter.
Tourist : Waiter, what can you do with this lobster skin? Waiter: We cannot
do anything with it. We just throw away.
Tourist : Oh, no. In our country, we send it to the factory and produce
some prawn cracker.
Then the tourist ordered an orange. After he finished, he asked the waiter.
Tourist : What can you do with the orange skin ?
Waiter : We cannot do anything. We just throw away.
Tourist : Oh, no. In Malaysia, we send it to the factory and produce some
orange jam.
Then the tourist ordered some chewing gum. After he finished, he put on the
plate and asked the waiter.
Tourist : What can you do with the chewing gum ?
Waiter : Oh, no. We just throw it away.
Tourist : In Malaysia, we send it to the factory and produce condom and
sent it to Thailand.
The Tourist asked for the bill and the Waiter come with the bill and asked
the tourist.
Waiter : What can you do with the condom when you finish using it?
Tourist : We cannot do anything. We throw it away.
Waiter : In Thailand when we finish using the condom, we send it to the
factory and produce chewing gum and sent itback to Malaysia!!!!!!!
