>From http://www.uexpress.com/cgi-
bin/ups/printarticle.cgi?article=/ups/opinion/column/jl/text/2000/04/jl000430769
0.html
}}>Begin>}}
John Leo
by John Leo
current
ELIAN'S OPERA ISN'T OVER UNTIL NEARLY EVERYONE SINGS
Elian: The Opera
As our story begins, a 6-year-old boy, whose mother has perished at sea, is
saved by dolphins, who tuck his little legs back into his inner tube and nudge
him toward a fishing boat. "Not Since Moses," an opening aria by the first
dolphin (Peggy Noonan) indicates that there may be something unusual about the
lad. Other warbling dolphins (Dan Marino, Don Shula) point out Elian didn't
have a sunburn, an obvious religious omen of some kind. Besides, the fish is a
traditional Christian symbol, and dolphins, though mammals, are sort of like
fish.
At dockside, a lusty chorus of underemployed TV reporters join the aria,
singing "Not Since Di and JFK Jr.," thus indicating group yearning for a truly
meaningful news event. Soon all of South Florida is on stage singing "Not Since
Moses, Di, JFK and the Bay of Pigs."
A tense confrontation pits a group of principled conservatives shouting "Family
values!" against a clump of principled liberals chanting "The child's best
interests!" A government emissary bounds onstage to announce that little Elian
is too young for asylum, despite being interviewed by Diane Sawyer, and
therefore must be reunited with his father in Cuba. Both groups are stunned
into silence, then each starts singing the other group's song. The
conservatives musically insist that family values can't be all that important
if they make the local commie dictator look like a winner.
The liberals, never secure about family solidarity if a child-liberation suit
can be filed, and never quite sure why families need fathers at all, sing with
newfound emotion over the powerful father-child bond. Both groups rush
offstage, leaving behind the boy's savior, a brave camera-ready fisherman (Kato
Kaelin). He sings movingly about how Elian likes to lick his face.
Act II, which many critics consider dramatically weak, features Attorney
General Janet Reno (Dan Aykroyd) sitting motionless for five months while
pondering what to do. Every few weeks she moves a few inches, usually to phone
President Clinton (John Goodman), but all she hears is a recording, singing
"I'm not here, Janet. You're doing just fine." Narrative drive in Act II is
provided by Al Gore, who races back and forth across the stage, exposing a wet
finger to the wind.
Act III opens with a festive, circuslike atmosphere. Elian's grandmothers
arrive from Havana, allowed out briefly by Fidel Castro (Woody Allen). One
granny playfully bites Elian's tongue, unzips his pants and makes proud
comments about his private parts. A Justice Department pediatrician (Robin
Williams) is doing magic tricks. One trick is diagnosing psychologically
endangered children around the country whom he has never met, including Elian.
The crowd applauds and calls him "Carnac." Only one man in this merry crowd is
sad. He sings a bitter song -- though he lives only two miles from Elian, he
hasn't yet been invited on either "Larry King" or "Geraldo."
Brushing away cobwebs with a firm hand, Janet Reno swings into action. She
sends gun-toting agents dressed like Darth Vader to invade the house. One, who
had missed media training, poses for a photographer with a massive gun in the
boy's face. To correct the erroneous impression that the boy was somehow
terrified, the government releases a happy father-and-son photo, which the
Miami relatives say is a doctored image, since Elian's hair is too short and he
is smiling.
The conservatives rush back onstage and sing the popular aria "Jackbooted
Thugs," from the 1993 opera "Janet Does Waco." Liberals reappear too, led by
the jubilant Justice Department dancers, who sing "Finally Janet comes out
ahead/Her first raid that didn't leave everyone dead!"
Elian's sexy cousin, the 21-year-old Marisleysis (Jennifer Lopez) sings her two
big numbers, "Federal Child Abuse!" and "Don't Cry for Me, Little Havana."
Alarmed that Marisleysis has been able to weep on cue for 145 consecutive TV
shows, the government sends out Deputy Attorney General Eric Holder (Eddie
Murphy), who announces that he held Janet Reno in his arms as she wept over
Elian. A chorus of reporters smack their foreheads in unision and sing, "You
did what?"
Sen. Trent Lott (Lyle Lovett) sings the powerful closing aria, "From November
to November," pointing out that little Elian was saved from the sea in November
1999, and will be saved from the Democrats on Election Day in November 2000.
All it will take, he explains, is six months of congressional hearings. A group
of reporters, all of whom have already filed 249 stories about Elian so far,
faint together. One sings that he would rather become a gravedigger or a house
cleaner than go through more of this.
On cue, the brave fisherman, who has been out of the spotlight for more than an
hour, moves center stage and delivers the musical revelation that he is not a
fisherman at all. He is a house cleaner himself and is thinking of running for
mayor of Miami. He cautions Americans to behave with dignity -- he doesn't want
people to think of America as some sort of media madhouse.
The singing dolphins reappear and endorse the plea for dignity. So do Trent
Lott and the Justice Department dancers. Eric Holder holds Janet Reno in his
arms once more as the curtain falls.
COPYRIGHT 2000 JOHN LEO
{{<End<{{
A<>E<>R
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Integrity has no need of rules. -Albert Camus (1913-1960)
+ + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + +
The only real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking
new landscapes but in having new eyes. -Marcel Proust
+ + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + +
"Believe nothing, no matter where you read it, or who said
it, no matter if I have said it, unless it agrees with your
own reason and your common sense." --Buddha
+ + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + +
It is preoccupation with possessions, more than anything else, that
prevents us from living freely and nobly. -Bertrand Russell
+ + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + +
"Everyone has the right...to seek, receive and impart
information and ideas through any media and regardless
of frontiers." Universal Declaration of Human Rights
+ + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + +
"Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will
teach you to keep your mouth shut." Ernest Hemingway
+ + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + +
Forwarded as information only; no endorsement to be presumed
+ + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + +
In accordance with Title 17 U.S.C. section 107, this material
is distributed without charge or profit to those who have
expressed a prior interest in receiving this type of information
for non-profit research and educational purposes only.
<A HREF="http://www.ctrl.org/">www.ctrl.org</A>
DECLARATION & DISCLAIMER
==========
CTRL is a discussion & informational exchange list. Proselytizing propagandic
screeds are unwelcomed. Substance—not soap-boxing—please! These are
sordid matters and 'conspiracy theory'—with its many half-truths,
misdirections
and outright frauds—is used politically by different groups with major and
minor
effects spread throughout the spectrum of time and thought. That being said,
CTRL
gives no endorsement to the validity of posts, and always suggests to readers;
be wary of what you read. CTRL gives no credence to Holocaust denial and
nazi's need not apply.
Let us please be civil and as always, Caveat Lector.
========================================================================
Archives Available at:
http://home.ease.lsoft.com/archives/CTRL.html
<A HREF="http://home.ease.lsoft.com/archives/ctrl.html">Archives of
[EMAIL PROTECTED]</A>
http:[EMAIL PROTECTED]/
<A HREF="http:[EMAIL PROTECTED]/">ctrl</A>
========================================================================
To subscribe to Conspiracy Theory Research List[CTRL] send email:
SUBSCRIBE CTRL [to:] [EMAIL PROTECTED]
To UNsubscribe to Conspiracy Theory Research List[CTRL] send email:
SIGNOFF CTRL [to:] [EMAIL PROTECTED]
Om
