(REUTERS) Ft. Meada MD.
Sat. April 1.
National Security Agency Admits Global Surveillance Network Exists.
Announces plan to open databases to all.
Today in a sweeping about-face the National Security Agency admitted the existance of a
global surveillance netowrk operated under its purview. The system, formerly named
"ECHELON",
intercepts all communications on the earth and beyond. It's existance was, until this
morning,
completely unacknowledged and unconfirmed, according to CIA spokesperson Mark
Mansfield.
But today National Security Advisor Sandy Berger said in a statement:
"The United States has been listening to everything in the world through our super
cool shit."
He was accompanied by Secretary of Defense William S. Cohen, who was quoted as saying:
"Yup."
Systems existance questioned
"ECHELON" has been the subject of widespread debate and controversy around the world.
European Union Parlament members have been debating about it's existance for months
now.
Worldwide internet websites have also speculated about "ECHELONS" existance for many
years.
ECHELON confirmed.
"Yeah Echelon exists, but we changed the name as soon as people started asking about
it"
Said NSA director Lt Gen Michael V. Hayden, USAF. "We then code-named it Applesauce. No
one would have guessed that one."
When quesiotned why the Agency would have such an abrupt and complete turnaround on
revealing the existance of such a powerful and controversial system Hayden said:
"Well Duh. I mean come on we have antennas the size of Cadillacs all over the damn
place, what did you think we were doing pirating cable? Sheesh."
Announce plans to open databases to the entire world.
Secretary Berger also announced today plans to "Open Source" all the data in "ECHELON".
"Well we figured with all the hoopla about "open-source" software we wanted our share
of the big IPO boom before the Bilderbergers decided to take the money and run." Berger
said. Secretary Cohen then added "Yup."
Berger then went on to say: "We got every communication ever made on tapes down in the
basement here. We figure we got like 5 Internets worth of shit, and with this
data-mining
thing really catching on we estimate we could sell all of it and retire, as well as pay
the Agencies budget for the concievable future. Plus the Space Alien shit is so
trippy."
"Yup." Said Cohen.
