Hillary Clinton Says Epstein Assassination Was To 'Manage Anxiety' March 7th, 2020 https://babylonbee.com/news/hillary-clinton-says-epstein-assassination-was-to-manage-anxiety
CHAPPAQUA, NY—In a recent interview from her wine cellar this week, Hillary Clinton revealed some of her favorite methods for dealing with stress. "Being the president is an extremely stressful job," she told reporters. "Since I am the president, I have to deal with anxiety on a regular basis. One way to calm my nerves is with a good, old-fashioned assassination. Of course, I would never do such a thing, but If I did do something like, say, killing Jeffery Epstein, it would be a great way to cope with the demands of my very important job. Ok, I killed Epstein. I needed to do it to manage my anxieties. I feel bad about it. HAHAHAHAHAHA!" Hillary bemoaned the fact that since she isn't allowed in the White House or situation room for some reason, she no longer has access to handy tools like drones or Treadstone super-soldiers. "Sometimes," she said, "I have to settle for watching that prison assassination scene from Breaking Bad over a bottle of wine! Can you imagine? HAHAHAHAHAHA!" Let it be known that The Babylon Bee proudly supports everything Hillary Clinton does and we are glad she is our president. She is a wonderful leader and we would never do anything to ever upset her in any way. We are also not suicidal. In Historic Compromise, Border Wall To Be Built Around Hollywood https://babylonbee.com/news/historic-compromise-border-wall-built-around-hollywood Biden To Defy CDC Warning To Stop Touching Other People's Faces https://babylonbee.com/news/despite-cdc-warning-biden-cant-stop-touching-other-peoples-faces [facey gropey Biden pics not attached] U.S.—As Democratic presidential candidate Joe Biden is constantly in crowds, health officials are greatly concerned that he will catch the coronavirus -- which would be especially bad for him as he’s very, very old. Despite these concerns, Biden just can’t follow one of the CDC’s main recommendations to avoid catching the disease: Stop putting your hands all over other people’s faces. “It’s just so hard,” Biden told the press. “I keep thinking to myself, ‘Don’t touch people’s faces. Don’t touch people’s faces.’ But the next thing I know, there are my hands rubbing all over some person I just walked into.” Staffers have tried a number of methods to help train Biden to stop the behavior, such as spraying him in the face with water whenever he starts touching someone. Nothing has worked so far, but his staffers are hopeful. “It’s just a habit he has to unlearn,” said Biden staffer Melanie Chapman. “We’ll just keep working until--” At that point, Chapman was interrupted by Biden putting his hands all over her face. “You’re doing it again!” Chapman informed him. “Oh no,” Biden said. “Well, is it okay if I just rub people’s shoulders?” “No, that is never okay,” Chapman told him. Opinion: If Americans Aren't Sexist, Then How Come They Refuse To Elect The Most Unlikable Women On The Planet? https://babylonbee.com/news/op-ed-if-people-wont-elect-the-most-unlikable-women-on-the-planet-will-they-elect-any-women ... Yes, people often say they’re willing to vote for a woman. But if they won’t cast a vote for some of the most unlikable women on the entire planet, will they really vote for any women ever? ... In 2016, people had Hillary Clinton, someone so politically maladroit she barely seemed human, one of the most blatantly dishonest people anyone had ever seen, and someone people only ever heard of because of who her husband is. But she was a woman. And that just wasn’t good enough. And now we had Elizabeth Warren, an off-putting, nakedly political hack who lied about her heritage and has a bunch of unworkable plans with price tags beyond human comprehension. Though she may only be 1/1024th Native American, she is 99.9% woman. Still, people said they wanted more. Like, anything more. No. Instead, we must continue to elevate the most terrible women in this country until people finally elect one and prove they don’t hate women. This country can never, ever give in to sexism and put forward a female candidate people might actually like. Then the misogynists will win. Ode to Belzebub Biden tops local spelling bee with "gropeophile", whilst lauding The Bee's "Biden Shampoo" range https://babylonbee.com/news/garnier-fructis-introduces-the-biden-collection Warren drops out of her 1/2020th campaign https://babylonbee.com/news/other-candidates-beg-warren-not-to-endorse-them Paid mourners weep as Bloomberg exits primary https://babylonbee.com/news/paid-mourners-weep-as-bloomberg-exits-primary Corona beer fails to come up with catchy meme adverts to stem sales cliff drop https://mobile.twitter.com/B1GTRAIN/status/1233541966652231682/photo/1 Warren Returns To Tribe In Shame After Failing To Take Land Back From The Pale Faces https://babylonbee.com/news/warren-returns-to-tribe-in-shame-after-failing-to-retake-land-from-the-white-man
