Garnier Fructis strikes again as Biden literally promises a woman running mate, possibly even "she who should not be named for criminal activities with a name that rhymes with Hitlery":
Biden: 'Not Only Will I Appoint A Woman Running Mate, But I Will Stand Behind Her At All Times' https://babylonbee.com/news/biden-i-will-not-only-appoint-a-woman-running-mate-but-will-stand-behind-her-at-all-times WASHINGTON, D.C.—If Joe Biden wins the Democratic nomination, his running mate will be a woman, he said Sunday. He then promised that no matter which woman he appointed as his running mate, he would stand behind her at all times. [image of attractive woman lapping up Biden's adoration, not attached] .. "You know I don't see why we can't elect multiple women as vice president. That's how progressive I am. I say elect me a whole harem of 'em," Biden added. ... On Sun, Mar 08, 2020 at 10:42:15PM +1100, Zig the N.g wrote: > Hillary Clinton Says Epstein Assassination Was To 'Manage Anxiety' > March 7th, 2020 > https://babylonbee.com/news/hillary-clinton-says-epstein-assassination-was-to-manage-anxiety > > CHAPPAQUA, NY—In a recent interview from her wine cellar this week, Hillary > Clinton revealed some of her favorite methods for dealing with stress. > "Being the president is an extremely stressful job," she told reporters. > "Since I am the president, I have to deal with anxiety on a regular basis. > One way to calm my nerves is with a good, old-fashioned assassination. Of > course, I would never do such a thing, but If I did do something like, say, > killing Jeffery Epstein, it would be a great way to cope with the demands of > my very important job. Ok, I killed Epstein. I needed to do it to manage my > anxieties. I feel bad about it. HAHAHAHAHAHA!" > > Hillary bemoaned the fact that since she isn't allowed in the White House > or situation room for some reason, she no longer has access to handy tools > like drones or Treadstone super-soldiers. "Sometimes," she said, "I have to > settle for watching that prison assassination scene from Breaking Bad over a > bottle of wine! Can you imagine? HAHAHAHAHAHA!" > > Let it be known that The Babylon Bee proudly supports everything Hillary > Clinton does and we are glad she is our president. She is a wonderful leader > and we would never do anything to ever upset her in any way. We are also not > suicidal. > > > > In Historic Compromise, Border Wall To Be Built Around Hollywood > https://babylonbee.com/news/historic-compromise-border-wall-built-around-hollywood > > > > Biden To Defy CDC Warning To Stop Touching Other People's Faces > https://babylonbee.com/news/despite-cdc-warning-biden-cant-stop-touching-other-peoples-faces > > [facey gropey Biden pics not attached] > > U.S.—As Democratic presidential candidate Joe Biden is constantly in > crowds, health officials are greatly concerned that he will catch the > coronavirus -- which would be especially bad for him as he’s very, very old. > Despite these concerns, Biden just can’t follow one of the CDC’s main > recommendations to avoid catching the disease: Stop putting your hands all > over other people’s faces. > > “It’s just so hard,” Biden told the press. “I keep thinking to myself, > ‘Don’t touch people’s faces. Don’t touch people’s faces.’ But the next thing > I know, there are my hands rubbing all over some person I just walked into.” > > Staffers have tried a number of methods to help train Biden to stop the > behavior, such as spraying him in the face with water whenever he starts > touching someone. Nothing has worked so far, but his staffers are hopeful. > “It’s just a habit he has to unlearn,” said Biden staffer Melanie Chapman. > “We’ll just keep working until--” > > At that point, Chapman was interrupted by Biden putting his hands all over > her face. “You’re doing it again!” Chapman informed him. > > “Oh no,” Biden said. “Well, is it okay if I just rub people’s shoulders?” > > “No, that is never okay,” Chapman told him. > > > > Opinion: If Americans Aren't Sexist, Then How Come They Refuse To Elect The > Most Unlikable Women On The Planet? > https://babylonbee.com/news/op-ed-if-people-wont-elect-the-most-unlikable-women-on-the-planet-will-they-elect-any-women > > ... Yes, people often say they’re willing to vote for a woman. But if they > won’t cast a vote for some of the most unlikable women on the entire planet, > will they really vote for any women ever? > ... In 2016, people had Hillary Clinton, someone so politically maladroit > she barely seemed human, one of the most blatantly dishonest people anyone > had ever seen, and someone people only ever heard of because of who her > husband is. But she was a woman. And that just wasn’t good enough. And now we > had Elizabeth Warren, an off-putting, nakedly political hack who lied about > her heritage and has a bunch of unworkable plans with price tags beyond human > comprehension. Though she may only be 1/1024th Native American, she is 99.9% > woman. Still, people said they wanted more. Like, anything more. > No. > Instead, we must continue to elevate the most terrible women in this > country until people finally elect one and prove they don’t hate women. This > country can never, ever give in to sexism and put forward a female candidate > people might actually like. Then the misogynists will win. > > > > Ode to Belzebub > Biden tops local spelling bee with "gropeophile", whilst lauding The Bee's > "Biden Shampoo" range > https://babylonbee.com/news/garnier-fructis-introduces-the-biden-collection > Warren drops out of her 1/2020th campaign > https://babylonbee.com/news/other-candidates-beg-warren-not-to-endorse-them > Paid mourners weep as Bloomberg exits primary > https://babylonbee.com/news/paid-mourners-weep-as-bloomberg-exits-primary > Corona beer fails to come up with catchy meme adverts to stem sales cliff > drop https://mobile.twitter.com/B1GTRAIN/status/1233541966652231682/photo/1 > Warren Returns To Tribe In Shame After Failing To Take Land Back From The > Pale Faces > https://babylonbee.com/news/warren-returns-to-tribe-in-shame-after-failing-to-retake-land-from-the-white-man >
