I've torn through website after website, faq after faq, and the man page for DBI... 
searched CPAN, search engines, and interrogated a number of books, people, and 
inanimate objects.  So far only inanimate objects have been hurt in the process... so 
far...

So maybe someone here can either put me on the right track, or let me know I'm a moron 
for even trying this.

First... does anyone know how to get a unix system (linux in particular, running perl 
5.004) to connect to a microsoft SQL database running on the same network?

Second... HOW?

If anyone can tell me how to accomplish this, I'll name my next computer's hostname 
after you.

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