Hi,
Thanks for your comments, the new draft is here:
http://www.milkymist.org/wiki/index.php?title=M1_launch_PR
Cheers,
Sébastien
On 09/16/2011 08:27 PM, Werner Almesberger wrote:
S?bastien Bourdeauducq wrote:
* review content, language and style of the rest of the text
I like structure and content. But I think, as I already said on IRC,
the overall tone should be much more assertive. There are too many
"could", "may", etc.
E.g., ""hope that this can lead to" could become something like
"chose this to" (and then maybe merge with the preceding sentence.
I also find the "popularize" sentence difficult, but I don't have
a good replacement. "The Milkymist One helps VJs by making it easier
to set up a video installation." would sound kinda lame.
I also wonder if VJing should really be described as something
new or "emerging".
Next, I'm not sure if it's better to start with a complex setup
(i.e., with camera) and then mention the simpler choices (i.e.,
without), or the other way around.
Some sentences may also need some shortening. Maybe a start would be
to change "using [...] played" to simply "playing". But there are
many more. I wonder if there's a recommended number of words and
subclauses for this sort of text.
Cheers, Werner
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