lets talk about tonite On Sun, Sep 18, 2011 at 2:45 PM, Sébastien Bourdeauducq <[email protected]> wrote: > Hi, > > Thanks for your comments, the new draft is here: > http://www.milkymist.org/wiki/index.php?title=M1_launch_PR > > Cheers, > Sébastien > > On 09/16/2011 08:27 PM, Werner Almesberger wrote: >> >> S?bastien Bourdeauducq wrote: >>> >>> * review content, language and style of the rest of the text >> >> I like structure and content. But I think, as I already said on IRC, >> the overall tone should be much more assertive. There are too many >> "could", "may", etc. >> >> E.g., ""hope that this can lead to" could become something like >> "chose this to" (and then maybe merge with the preceding sentence. >> >> I also find the "popularize" sentence difficult, but I don't have >> a good replacement. "The Milkymist One helps VJs by making it easier >> to set up a video installation." would sound kinda lame. >> >> I also wonder if VJing should really be described as something >> new or "emerging". >> >> Next, I'm not sure if it's better to start with a complex setup >> (i.e., with camera) and then mention the simpler choices (i.e., >> without), or the other way around. >> >> Some sentences may also need some shortening. Maybe a start would be >> to change "using [...] played" to simply "playing". But there are >> many more. I wonder if there's a recommended number of words and >> subclauses for this sort of text. >> >> Cheers, Werner > > _______________________________________________ > http://lists.milkymist.org/listinfo.cgi/devel-milkymist.org > IRC: #milkymist@Freenode >
-- Jon Phillips http://fabricatorz.com/ chat/skype: kidproto | irc: rejon +1.415.830.3884 (global) | +1-510-499-0894 (sf) +86-187-1003-9974 (beijing) _______________________________________________ http://lists.milkymist.org/listinfo.cgi/devel-milkymist.org IRC: #milkymist@Freenode
