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Welcome Home
Part 2
A Four Part Series for Our Troops Coming Home
Children
Those returning to children probably had a homecoming picture in
their minds of their toddlers running toward them shouting "Daddy" or "Mommy,"
or of their older kids huddling close and begging for field stories. Those with
"perfect pictures" may have been disappointed by what sometimes happens- an
initial display of happiness followed by sulky, withdrawn, or even hostile
behavior. To understand why, you must first realize that even just a few months
seem like a lifetime to a child, and that children instinctively adapt rapidly
to new situations. Their behavior does not mean that they have stopped needing
or loving you, they just need some time to adjust to having you around again.
Obviously, the reactions of your child will depend on his or her personality,
past experiences, and relationships with other family members. To some degree,
the situation will be further influenced by whether the parent deployed is a
mother or father (see the sections on "Returning Mothers" and "New Fathers")
but there are several things that all parents ought to keep in mind:
a.. Children have the same confusing feelings adults have: worry,
happiness, fear, excitement, etc. Make sure they know how happy you are to see
them again.
b.. They are unsure what to expect from the returning adult.
Because of their brief memories, you might seem like a complete stranger. They
may even fear that they will be punished for six months' worth of bad behavior.
Put their minds at ease by praising them for helping out while you were gone.
c.. Change is just as stressful for children as it is for
adults-probably more so because they have so little experience in coping with
it.
d.. They have grown physically, emotionally, and socially while
you were gone; this is not the same child you left, so do not expect the same
behavior.
e.. There will be a readjustment period (usually four to six
weeks) for the whole family. You can make this easier by reviewing schoolwork,
family scrapbooks, or asking about their activities.
f.. Children do not know how to deal with the stress they are
feeling. They may exhibit unacceptable behavior as part of their reaction.
Remember this before you punish a child for acting up.
Returning Mothers
If you are a mother returning to children or young adolescents, you
may find that the special, nurturing role children look for in mothers was
disrupted during deployment, causing reactions that might not happen with a
returning father. This is not to say that these reactions are "abnormal" if
they happen when a father returns-they are just more likely when it is the
mother who is coming home. For infants or toddlers these reactions might not be
obvious at first, but they can escalate into developmental problems if you do
not make an immediate effort to reestablish this link with them. You cannot
cuddle a baby too much! Preschoolers may act coolly toward you. Acting
aggressive or disinterested is their way of showing their hurt and anger at
your absence. Their behavior usually does not last long, but it is still
unsettling. Do not try to force positive responses from the child; simply say
how much you missed him or her and how you are looking forward to hearing about
the things he or she did while you were away. Older children and adolescents
usually have a mature understanding of war, conflicts, and military
responsibilities, but this does not mean they did not miss you. This period is
turbulent for children anyway. Use strategies similar to those for
reestablishing contact with younger children: Express your interest in their
lives by discussing schoolwork and social activities, moreover, let them feel
they are part of your life by telling them about your own experiences. Again,
tell them how much you missed them-it might seem like they know that already,
but they need to hear it from you directly.
New Fathers
If you are a father who was deployed at the time your son or
daughter was born (or for a good part of the child's first year), you are
coming home to a completely new family. There are some obvious changes to the
family in these cases, and each of the situations described earlier applies to
you, but there are subtle-yet important-dynamics to be aware of as well:
a.. Baby's needs come first, and they are expensive. Be prepared
for a much tighter budget.
b.. Other children might feel "lost" with the changes and may
need help coping with the transition.
c.. You may feel jealous of the attention given to the infant or
guilt for being away during the pregnancy. Accept two facts: The infant's needs
will demand attention, and the separation was inevitable. Take an active role
in caring for the child as soon as possible.
Single Parents
If you are a single parent, you are probably experiencing unique
concerns and worries about a reunion with your children. In addition to the
combination of joy and stress that a parent feels when returning to a child
after a long absence, you may feel particularly anxious about the bond formed
by the child and the temporary caregiver, and how it will affect your
relationships with both of them. Strategies for coping with these situations
are not that much different from those used in the situations described
earlier. Focus on communicating with both the caregiver and the child and, most
importantly, be patient. This period of transition will last several weeks-some
of which will be awkward.
In the meantime:
a.. Involve the caregiver with the transition. Forcing the child
to suddenly separate from the caregiver can be just as traumatic as their
separation from you.
b.. Ask about how things were done while you were gone. It will
help you plan how to ease the child back into the rules and schedules of your
home again.
c.. Ask the child about his or her feelings regarding your "new"
relationship and how life at home should be. The changes in caregivers and
living arrangements may make them feel as though they have no control over
their lives; assure them that you will set up house together again.
Acknowledgments
Our thanks to the American Red Cross for this information.
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you did.
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