On Mon, 27 September 1999, "Guy Clark" wrote:
> If we were really in a church right now I would be one of those people standing up
>praising the Lord.Excellent post puts things into perspective,I lost some grass from
>this summers drought and just planted some new seed,I have no idea why I hate
>grass.This would have been a good time to put a bed of some sort in place.Oh well
>maybe it wont grow.
> I think the following is hilariously funny and somehow terribly
> appropriate.
> Namaste',
> Guy Clark
>
> Humor from the seed savers exchange:
>
> "Winterize your lawn," the big sign outside the garden store commanded.
> I've fed it, watered it, mowed it, raked it and watched a lot of it die
> anyway. Now I'm supposed to winterize it? I hope it's too late. Grass
> lawns have to be the stupidest thing we've
> come up with outside of thong swimsuits! We constantly battle
> dandelions, Queen Anne's lace, thistle, violets, chicory and clover that
> thrive naturally, so we can grow grass that must be nursed through an
> annual four-step chemical dependency.
>
> Imagine the conversation The Creator might have with St. Francis about
> this:
>
> "Frank, you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is
> going on down there in the Midwest? What happened to the dandelions,
> violets, thistle and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect,
> no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil,
> withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the
> long-lasting blossoms attracted butterflies, honey bees and flocks of
> songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colors by now. But all I
> see are these green rectangles."
>
> "It's the people that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites. They
> started calling your flowers 'weeds' and went to great extent to kill
> them and replace them with grass."
>
> "Grass? But it's so boring. It's not colorful. It doesn't attract
> butterflies, birds and bees, only grubs and sod worms. It's
> temperamental with temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all
> that grass growing there?"
>
> "Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it
> green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any
> other plant that crops up in the lawn."
>
> "The spring rains and cool weather probably make grass grow really fast.
> That must make the Suburbanites happy."
>
> "Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it
> sometimes twice a week."
>
> "They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?"
>
> "Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags."
>
> "They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?"
>
> "No, sir. Just the opposite. They pay to throw it away."
>
> "Now let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow.
> And when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?"
>
> "Yes, sir."
>
> "These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on
> the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves
> them a lot of work."
>
> "You aren't going believe this Lord. When the grass stops growing so
> fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it so they can
> continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it."
>
> "What nonsense! At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer
> stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the
> spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn they
> fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the
> soil and protect the trees and bushes. Plus, as they rot, the leaves
> form compost to enhance the soil. It's a natural circle of life."
>
> "You better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have a different plan. As
> soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and have them
> hauled away."
>
> "No! What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter
> and keep the soil moist and loose?"
>
> "After throwing away your leaves, they go out and buy something they call
> mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves."
>
> "And where do they get this mulch?"
>
> "They cut down trees and grind them up."
>
> "Enough! I don't want to think about this anymore. Saint Catherine,
> you're in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us
> tonight?"
>
> "Dumb and Dumber, Lord. It's a real stupid movie about..."
>
> "Never mind. I think I just heard the whole story."
