2002 Independent Digital (UK) Ltd
16 October 2002 11:00 BDST

High court hang-ups

  'Why did you steal 40,000 hotel coat hangers, knowing that hotel coat
  hangers are designed to be useless outside hotel wardrobes?'

Miles Kington

15 October 2002

A most extraordinary trial is going on in the High Court at the moment in
which a man named Chrysler is accused of stealing more than 40,000 coat
hangers from hotels round the world. He admits his guilt, but in his defence
he claims that  well, perhaps it would be simpler just to bring you a brief
extract from the trial. We join the case at the point where Chrysler has
just taken the stand.

Counsel: What is your name?

Chrysler: Chrysler. Arnold Chrysler.

Counsel: Is that your own name?

Chrysler: Whose name do you think it is?

Counsel: I am just asking if it is your name.

Chrysler: And I have just told you it is. Why do you doubt it?

Counsel: It is not unknown for people to give a false name in court.

Chrysler: Which court?

Counsel: This court.

Chrysler: What is the name of this court?

Counsel: This is No 5 Court.

Chrysler: No, that is the number of this court. What is the name of this

Counsel: It is quite immaterial what the name of this court is!

Chrysler: Then perhaps it is immaterial if Chrysler is really my name.

Counsel: No, not really, you see because...

Judge: Mr Lovelace?

Counsel: Yes, m'lud?

Judge: I think Mr Chrysler is running rings round you already. I would try a
new line of attack if I were you.

Counsel: Thank you, m'lud.

Chrysler: And thank you from ME, m'lud. It's nice to be appreciated.

Judge: Shut up, witness.

Chrysler: Willingly, m'lud. It is a pleasure to be told to shut up by you.
For you, I would...

Judge: Shut up, witness. Carry on, Mr Lovelace.

Counsel: Now, Mr Chrysler  for let us assume that that is your name  you
are accused of purloining in excess of 40,000 hotel coat hangers.

Chrysler: I am.

Counsel: Can you explain how this came about?

Chrysler: Yes. I had 40,000 coats which I needed to hang up.

Counsel: Is that true?

Chrysler: No.

Counsel: Then why did you say it?

Chrysler: To attempt to throw you off balance.

Counsel: Off balance?

Chrysler: Certainly. As you know, all barristers seek to undermine the
confidence of any hostile witness, or defendant. Therefore it must be
equally open to the witness, or defendant, to try to shake the confidence of
a hostile barrister.

Counsel: On the contrary, you are not here to indulge in cut and thrust with
me. You are only here to answer my questions.

Chrysler: Was that a question?

Counsel: No.

Chrysler: Then I can't answer it.

Judge: Come on, Mr Lovelace! I think you are still being given the
run-around here. You can do better than that. At least, for the sake of the
English bar, I hope you can.

Counsel: Yes, m'lud. Now, Mr Chrysler, perhaps you will describe what reason
you had to steal 40,000 coat hangers?

Chrysler: Is that a question?

Counsel: Yes.

Chrysler: It doesn't sound like one. It sounds like a proposition which
doesn't believe in itself. You know  "Perhaps I will describe the reason I
had to steal 40,000 coat hangers... Perhaps I won't... Perhaps I'll sing a
little song instead..."

Judge: In fairness to Mr Lovelace, Mr Chrysler, I should remind you that
barristers have an innate reluctance to frame a question as a question.
Where you and I would say, "Where were you on Tuesday?", they are more
likely to say, "Perhaps you could now inform the court of your precise
whereabouts on the day after that Monday?". It isn't, strictly, a question,
and it is not graceful English but you must pretend that it is a question
and then answer it, otherwise we will be here for ever. Do you understand?

Chrysler: Yes, m'lud.

Judge: Carry on, Mr Lovelace.

Counsel: Mr Chrysler, why did you steal 40,000 hotel coat hangers, knowing
as you must have that hotel coat hangers are designed to be useless outside
hotel wardrobes?

Chrysler: Because I build and sell wardrobes which are specially designed to
take nothing but hotel coat hangers.

Sensation in court. More of this tomorrow, I hope 

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