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So you're not a
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----- Original Message -----
Sent: Thursday, April 28, 2005 10:12
AM
Subject: [FairfieldLife] Amazing New
Hyperbolic Chamber Greatest Invention In The History Of Mankind Ever
Did RJ and Bobby Roth get together to form a new PR /
press release
writing firm?
--------------------
Amazing New
Hyperbolic Chamber Greatest Invention In The History Of
Mankind
Ever
OAK RIDGE, TN�After six grueling years of Herculean
research,
scientists at the Oak Ridge National Laboratory pronounced
EHC-1
Alpha, the new hyperbolic chamber, "an unquestionably,
undeniably,
fantastically revolutionary milestone in the history of
science,
mankind, and the universe, all of which it will undoubtedly
change
forever."
Gustaveson unveils the amazing new hyperbolic chamber.
Above: Gustaveson unveils the amazing new
hyperbolic chamber.
"Hyperbole researchers have arrived at, without
possibility of
argument or refutation, the single greatest moment in all of
creation,
now and forevermore," said the project's lead scientist, Dr.
Lloyd
Gustaveson, activating the hyperbolic chamber's
gazillion-ultra-watt
semantic resonator at a gala launch party Monday. "The
divine flame
kindled by our new hyperbolic chamber will cast its light down
through
the centuries, making the Promethean fire that brought forth life
on
earth seem like a brief and guttering spark. Behold�we recast
the
cosmos in the image of the ultimate!"
A federally funded program
launched during the Clinton administration,
the hyperbolic-chamber project
was roundly criticized at its inception
by lawmakers who argued that it was
too expensive and had no
industrial or military applications. Republican
senators were
particularly vocal, with one congressman claiming that the
project
would "run Jesus-kabillion dollars over budget," and be "more
useless
than 12 rows of tits on an NFL fullback."
The EHC-1 Alpha
survived many rounds of budget cuts, however, in no
small part because of
the tireless efforts of lobbyists who decried
the chamber's congressional
detractors as "Philistine Nazi Neanderthals."
"Today, we do not merely
silence our critics," Gustaveson said. "We
commit them to that newest,
foulest level of eternal indignity and
unending infamy: the dark, ignorant
era before the amazing, incredible
hyperbolic chamber!"
"There has
never been anything as amazing as this awesome machine,"
Gustaveson
added.
Responses from within the scientific community have been
positive.
Writers from Scientific American dedicated the May issue to
the
chamber's development and technology, calling it
"brilliant...
unsurpassed and unsurpassable. No mere milestone, the EHC-1
Alpha
hyperbolic chamber is the achievement from which all future
milestones
shall be measured."
Not to be outdone, Nature is planning
a June special issue in which it
will call the device "singular in its
quasi-divine perfection... the
ne plus ultra of human
ingenuity."
And Popular Science quickly placed the chamber on the
fold-out cover
of its next issue, which reads, "FUCKING AWESOME!!! THE
BALLS-OUT H.C.
IS 40 TIMES BETTER THAN SEX... AND
COUNTING!!!"
Although it is difficult to find critics of the EHC-1
Alpha, those who
oppose the machine do so vocally. The project's most
prominent critic
is Sandia National Laboratories' Dr. Owen Comstock, who
argues that
hyperbolic-chamber research has little social value and that
federal
funds would be better spent on his project, the
high-energy,
lowest-common-denominator-inductive Supercolloquial Mundane
Adjectival
And Onomatopoeic Accentuator.
"EHC-1 Alpha?" Comstock
said. "Pfft. More like the craptastic
crapobolic crapulator of
crappity-crap-crap. Blarf. In addition, it is
ugly as ugly can get, raises
several safety issues, and is so freaking
stupid I had to puke at how
stupid it is."
The Onion
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