Nice piece -- the Onion overdoes it much of the time for my tastes, but yes, nice one.
As for myself, I am still trying to have an open relationship with my meat robot, and he's not "getting it." Wants me to stay only inside him. Boring! Edg --- In [email protected], "curtisdeltablues" <[EMAIL PROTECTED]> wrote: > > > I'm In An Open Relationship With The Lord > > By Bonnie Nordstrum > Polytheist > September 26, 2007 | Issue 4339 > Open Relationship > > With Jesus as my personal Savior, I felt like I had it all. But then > we hit a rough patch, and before long, I was beginning to question > both my faith in Him and His commitment to me. At one point, it seemed > the relationship was doomed. But I did a lot of soul searching, and > together we found a solution that fit both of our needs by adopting an > alternative theological lifestyle. > > Now that I'm in an open relationship with the Lord, I feel a greater > spiritual satisfaction than I've ever known. > > It all started when I was 16 and first asked Jesus to enter my heart. > It was incredible. He filled me up with His love. I'd never been > redeemed before, but with Jesus it felt so right, as if the sins of > the world had been lifted off my shoulders. For a while there, we were > communing via the sacraments several times a week! And every night we > spent what seemed like hours in long, mutually satisfying sessions of > prayer. I worshipped Him. > > Soon the honeymoon period ended, however. Whenever I spoke to Him, He > seemed distracted and distantsometimes I wondered if He was listening > at all. Daily devotionals felt like we were just going through the > motions of repetitive, meaningless dogma. A few months later, I made a > potentially disastrous discovery: I found out I wasn't the only one He > was sanctifying. > > One day, I overheard my coworker Sally talking on the phone about how > much God had helped her through her recent divorce. She said she "saw > the light" after just one night with Him. At first I kept thinking, > "Is she talking about the same Savior?" The next Sunday, I followed > her to an unfamiliar church on the edge of town and just sat in my car > for a while in disbelief. I finally walked up to the front door, but > before I could open it, I heard the unmistakable sounds of ecstatic > praise coming from inside. There was no denying it. I'd caught Sally > red-handed, making a joyful noise unto my own special Lord. > > I was devastated. How could He do this to me? Here I had let Him into > my soul in the most intimate way possible, and He had betrayed our > personal bond by accepting the thanks and adulation of Sally, and God > knows how many others as well. I was humiliated I ever let Him wash my > soul in His blood in the first place. > > But I began to realize that He wasn't the only one who needed more. > Hadn't I been growing tired of reciting the same old liturgy week > after week? So I steeled myself with a stiff drink of communion wine, > opened up my Bible, and confronted Him. In His divinely inspired > scriptures, I learned that I hadn't driven Him to seek out others. He > just needed to redeem as many sinners as He could to fulfill His > destiny as Messiah. It was part of who He was. > > If He could forgive me all of my trespasses, shouldn't I do the same > for Him? He saved my soul, and now it was up to me to save the > relationship. I decided then and there to start experimenting outside > the boundaries of traditional monotheistic worship. > > To be honest, I'd been flirting with polytheism all along by accepting > the doctrine of the Trinity and simultaneously worshipping the Father, > Son, and Holy Ghost. If I could see all three of them as viable > deities, why not others? I took it slow at first. I'd always been a > strict Protestant, but I started practicing some Catholicism on the > side. Before long, I was meditating on the Buddha. I felt serenity > coursing through my body like never before! > > The Lord my God is a jealous God, and He didn't like the idea at > first. He made it very clear that I should take no God before Himbut > he never mentioned anything about taking one after Him! And now that > I've opened myself up to exciting new spiritual experiences, our bond > is stronger than ever. > > I've gone to Native American drum circles, New Age channeling > workshops, and Shinto temples. I hung a mezuzah over my door, and last > summer I made a pilgrimage to Mecca. I even spent a weekend in a > no-holds-barred, worship free-for-all with two dozen Hindu gods! > > See, we have an understanding: He can save any sinner He wants, and I > can worship any deity I want. But we are still together. Some may > think it's strange, but I'm no longer worried about other people's > unenlightened moralizing. My spiritual life is better then ever! I > love Godheck, I love all of themand I am one deeply, deeply > fulfilled woman. > > > Me: The Onion Rocks!!!!! >
