A film, in one act, and with only one actor, who plays both the part of the MONSTER and of his assistant IGOR, because it saved the producers from paying two different actors, and was considered more appropriate, given the existential theme of O.C. (Oneification Consciousness). The actor stands up straight and tall when playing the MONSTER, and when called upon to play IGOR slumps down and stuffs an overripe canteloupe in his shirt to make it look like he has a hunchback.
MONSTER: See Igor? The thunderstorm is building. Its first person ontology is almost perfect for the great, momentous use to which we are going to put it, eh. IGOR: Yes, Master. MONSTER: Yes, indeedy, for tonight is the night that I *reverse* all the horrible damage that the evil Dr. Vedastein has perpetrated on me, and become *whole* again, eh. IGOR: Whatever you say, Master. MONSTER: Years ago, the evil Dr. Vedastein convinced me that I was in Oneification Consciousness. As a result, I went around abusing people and hitting them and casting demons out of them and stuff like that. Finally the townspeople got their panties in a twist over this, and a mob of them carrying torches and pitchforks chased me out of town, eh. IGOR: I remember that, Master. They said you weren't in O.C. at all, but were just crazy as a bedbug. MONSTER: [cringing at the memory] Yes, they did, Igor. But soon they'll see that this was not the case. I was merely under the sway of gods and goddesses sicced on me by the evil Dr. Vedastein. *They* made me act out the way I did. My own first person ontology was overshadowed by their false view of the universe and How It Really Works. eh. IGOR: [shaking his head, clearly having heard all of this before] Whatever you say, Master. MONSTER: [lost in the bliss of first person ontology, not even noticing Igor rolling his eyes] But tonight I shall reverse all the damage done to me by the evil Dr. Vedastein, and people will understand and know me as the *real* me. Then they'll love me and praise me and treat me the way I deserve to be treated, eh. IGOR: How are you going to do this, Master? I mean, reverse all the damage done by the Vedic gods and goddesses? MONSTER: A good question, Igor. I am going to harness the awesome power of lightning, channel it through the Aquinus Activator I designed, and from there into my body, where it will purge me of the last vestiges of O.C. eh. IGOR: Sounds complicated to me, Master. Wouldn't it just be simpler to tell people that you were crazier than a fruitbat back then, but now you're feeling better? MONSTER: [picking up a nearby fruitbat and whacking Igor up against the side of the head with it] Silence! I was NOT crazy. I was overshadowed by evil Dr. Vedastein and his team of false gods and goddesses, that's all. It's all *their* fault, eh. IGOR: [rubbing the sore spot on his head] Whatever you say, Master. MONSTER: [stomping around the room, throwing a bit of a tantrum] Their fault! Their fault! THEIR fault! Not mine! Not responsible! Eh. IGOR: Whatever. Can we get to it? I've got fruitbats to cook up for dinner. MONSTER: [reluctantly] Oh, all right. [looking up, seeing the lightning beginning to flash] The time is finally right. Now I will strap myself into the First Person Ontology device and place its metal headpiece over my head so that I can't see anything but what's going on in my own mind. THAT's the way I'll cure myself of the curse of Oneification Consciousness! [he does this, stumbles around bumping into things for a bit because he can't see a thing, and finally lays down on a slab] MONSTER: [muffled, because he's trying to talk through a metal helmet] Nu, ickor nuh doh de iesu bitch! IGOR: What was that, Master? Couldn't really hear you. MONSTER: [lifting the helmet a bit to reveal his mouth, clearly exasperated with his assistant] Now, Igor, NOW. Throw the Jesus switch! IGOR: Oh. [he goes to the wall, pulls on an enormous cross-shaped electrical switch mounted there, and sparks fly up all around the MONSTER in his First Person Ontology device] IGOR: Did it work, Master? MONSTER: [gets up, removes the lead helmet, and goes over to a mirror, staring into remarkably like that scene with Ash in Evil Dead II] Yes, Igor, it worked. I'm fine. I'm better now. IGOR: Whatever you say. What next?: MONSTER: Well now, of course, I need to find a way to talk to all those people who thought I was crazy and convince them that I've cured myself by throwing the Jesus switch, eh. IGOR: [rolling his eyes again] Where do you expect to find anyone who will buy that? MONSTER: The Internet, silly. People will believe anything there. Maybe I'll even find myself a girlfriend, one who believes everything I say simply because I say it, eh. IGOR: [under his breath] Not bloody likely. MONSTER: [turning on Igor] What was that? IGOR: I said, do you want some nice, fresh bloody fruitbat? MONSTER: Oh. No thank you, Igor. I just want to sit here and bask in the freedom of my new first person ontology, which is just SO much better than that old first person ontology, when I was all confused, eh. IGOR: Whatever. [Fade to black]
