Overheard in a café on Île Saint-Louis this morning:
"Saul? Is that you? How amazing to run into you here in Paris. What are
you doing here?"
"Knock it off, Morty. I saw you earlier stalking me outside my hotel,
and following me here. You probably stalked me here all the way from
L.A. What do you want?"
"That was *your* hotel? I wasn't stalking you...I was...uh...just
looking through the garbage cans to see whether Parisians recycle. Yeah,
that's the ticket."
"Cut to the chase, Morty. What the fuck do you want?"
"I want to pitch you a story idea for a new series, Saul. I know that
you're interested in new ideas, original ideas, so I'm bringing it to
you first, even though a bunch of other producers are already bugging me
about it."
"Yeah, right. But OK, I'm in a good mood, and the *real* writer I'm
waiting for isn't due for a few minutes, so you've got that long to give
me your 'elevator pitch.'"
"Thanks, Saul. I call it 'True Attention.' It's a story about a bunch of
vampires who live in Faux Temps, Iowa and survive by sucking attention
from other people."
"Iowa? It sounds more like L.A."
"Yeah, we could probably set it in L.A. if you wanted. Anyway, the main
character is named Nookie Snackhouse, and she's *not* a vamp. But she is
half fey...sort of a closet fey...and she has this ability to read
people's minds, and know what their real thoughts and intentions are
even better than the people whose minds she's reading do."
"She sounds like a real pain in the ass. But go on...where do the vamps
fit into all of this?"
"Well, first, they're not real vamps, like in that other series that
this one is nothing like. They don't feed on blood or anything. Instead,
just as you noted, they feed off of attention. Being unable to generate
any kind of energy themselves, they suck it from other people by getting
those people to focus on them."
"So how do they do this? Do they, for example, stalk these victims whose
attention they want to steal halfway around the world and corner them in
a sidewalk café?"
"No, no...nothing like that. Heh heh...good one, Saul. What they do,
since none of these attention vamps have actually ever DONE anything in
their lives that would attract the attention they feed off of, they get
people to focus on them by insulting them, trying to portray them as
stupid, and calling them names."
"And that works?"
"More than you might think. Many of the vamps in Faux Temps have been
running this number for *years*, and have managed to get a *lot* of
people to focus on them and give them their attention so that they can
feed off of it. And all without ever DOING anything to deserve that
attention in the first place."
"I don't get it...they accomplish all this just by insulting people?"
"Not *just* insulting people. Sometimes they make up stories about
themselves and try to convince others that those stories are real. For
example, they brag about their 'endarkenment,' or imply that they're
successes in life even though they've never been anything but wage
slaves. That's where Nookie comes in."
"The suspense is killing me. Do tell..."
"Well, as I said, Nookie is *not* one of these vamps per se, and in fact
is even less interesting than they are and has DONE even less in her
life than they have, but she can read their thoughts and so she knows
when they're bullshitting to attract attention and when they're not."
"Aha. So she busts them when she catches them lying?"
"No, not at all. That's the twist. She ignores their bullshit, and
instead praises them so that they'll focus on HER. When they do that,
she sucks *their* attention. So in effect, she's got all these attention
vampires *working for her*, stealing attention and energy from other
people, and then passing it along to her by focusing on her. Brilliant,
right?"
"Sounds boring to me. Who on earth would tune in each week to watch a
bunch of people who have never DONE anything in their lives try to suck
attention, as if they were the center of the universe?"
"Hey, Saul...don't knock it...it worked for 'Seinfeld.'"
"Good point."
"So? Ya interested?"
"Not really. Got anything else?"
"Well, I am working on another completely original treatment called
'Freaking Mad.' It's about a mild-mannered meditation teacher who starts
selling black-market enlightenment..."
"Nice talking to you, Morty. But I see a real writer approaching, so
buzz off. Give my secretary a call when you get back to L.A. We won't do
lunch."
