> > *Thank you so much Swami Siddanada Namaste and you are most welcome.
*- your feelings of fear and anxiety I know all too well and the twisting and turning feelings, kryias, depression..... S Yes - have known these feelings since a child - now they are washed clean - only the pure, clear sky of awareness remains. Thank goodness there is an end to this. > > * I'm at a point too where I don't know how i'm taking care of myself or my beautiful dog - I don't want to go away to an Ashram...I want to be able to function and move forward. S You don't need to go away to an Ashram - the ashram is life - it is where you are - see, this is the beauty and simplicity of it all.... cleansing takes place in our ordinary lives, not away from it. I have never lived in an ashram and did not have a choice to move away as had responsibilities to fulfill (and still do, but the burden of being responsible to carry out and fullfill a particular duty has been sloughed off, leaving only grace). Why do you feel you are not able to take care of yourself and your dog? What is happening that is causing you to feel this way? Can you try to relax....all is being taken care of as we speak - all is well, is it not? There is no emergency. Have you been doing the practices given? > > * I'm in Toronto right now and would like to move to Vancouver in the fall but it all feels so impossible the way ( or lack of way ) i'm functioning (very little money and zero income as of August), mind and body constantly what feels like out of control. S It would be good to get a simple job. It would take the focus away from yourself. What I noticed when I was very ill was that the worry about can i or can i not work was far heavier than when work was started. I began working even with illness and found so much worry was lifted - and slowly the illness subsided - also, the bills got paid. You need to take a step....trust a little....surrender a little, allow a little light to come in...this is the beginning. *Do you live close to Swami G ? How often were you able to see her in person regularily ? S She lived in Seattle for awhile and would see her regularly then - whenever I had a free moment. Of course now she is in LA, and will never leave this one again as the consciousness is the same...yipee!!!!!...have the eternal Guru right here all the time. > > Thank you for you support. S Let us know how the practices are going. We haveto start somewhere. > > > Kirsten Thank you for your mail. Great Peace and 0 Swami Siddhananda > > pianojanie <[EMAIL PROTECTED]> wrote: > > > > > Namaste, Swami Siddananda & Group, > Namaste and Beautiful day to you, > > > > * Thank you for that beautiful report - it gives me hope. > > S Am happy to proclaim the good news about enlightenment. It doesn't > matter what your background, where you come from - what has happened > to you, what you believe or don't believe. It is the birthright of > all to come to the point of perfect balance 0. > > * How long was your process prior to your realization.... > > S Kundalini kicked in @ 17 yrs of age (am now 47 - I think > hahahahaha - these numbers have no meaning anymore) - though can say > never felt quite normal as a child - there was always phenomena. Full > blown kundalini erupted about 13 yrs ago....was praying to be made > useful to humanity. I knew nothing about kundalini or the mystical > path. I did not understand detachment, surrender or any of these > things..just asked God to use me in whatever way is best. Much > phenomena emerged after this accompanied by long bouts of illness, > depression, anxiety - intermittent suicidal thoughts. I managed for > awhile - meditating, doing buddhist practices that I read about in a > book - just going it alone. I never considered a Guru as had no idea > what that meant or how necessary it was. This is the truth, was > absolutely ignorant of any of this, but sincerely wanted to do God's > will. The phenomena - kriyas, lights, pranayam, visions got really > intense and stayed that way throughout. I was alone with these > symptoms for several years raising my son - working, struggling to pay > bills and care for him. I worried about myself a lot. Could I > manage? What if I got ill? What if I broke down? Prior to meeting > Swamiji became ill again where I could not work. At this point visual > phenomena unlocked and continued in place up until now. Images of > nature scenes, mountains water so deeply vivid - far more vivid and > real than anything seen by the physical eye. Images of deities, > snakes, being washed over by waves, drowning in oceans, jumping off > cliffs into a vast blue sky...flying, cutting through stone..on and on > and on... there continued anxiety, a nervousness - shifting states of > awarness and absorption - all sorts of phenomena - all sorts of states > entered. Fear remained up until the end, until that last fear of > death was entered - the spell is now broken. There is no fear, no > nervousness, just a steady, even calm - nothing ruffles this calm. A > sweet, gentle, detachment remains - pure and clean with peaceful waves > of gentle bliss. I never thought words like this could be coming out, > but it is the truth. > > *and how much work did you do with Swami G prior to it ? > > S I have worked with Swamiji for five years, very closely. I have > always stayed close to her and allowed her words to absorb no matter > what state of mind was rising. I put complete faith in her and she > did the same with me - although a faith that comes from the Guru does > not flow from doership - it is more like coming close to a warm fire > that gives freely of it's own nature. One sits near it and rests in > it, relaxes, breathes it in. When she told me I was to be a Guru in > training. I did not like it. I did not want to be and never sought > that out -those words never settled well prior to realization. When > she told me all the phenomena would one day go, all the suffering > would feel like it never existed. I just listened and hoped, but > could not imagine it - as that was all one knew as well as seeking, > seeking.... I will tell you that all that she says is absolute, pure > honest simple truth. What remains is all that she speaks of. What > remains is not what one thinks, ponders worries about or dreams of. > What remains is completely natural, simple, ordinary...there are no > qualities to it so how can it be special? There are no differences, > so how can one be high or low? There is only the sweet, gentle peace > of pure existence - the senses are purified and all moves in > emptiness - a wonder!!!! The ordinary experience remains - brushing > teeth, cleaning house, picking up kids, but there are no attachments, > no worries, only flow. I have no worries about my son, what he will > think, how he will be cared for....nothing remains in this way, yet > life begins. > > Nothing is known, there is no knowledge, yet the only knowledge that > has value remains -which is that of the supreme self. > > The Guru in training thing makes no difference anymore. Swamiji > said, "the training wheels have come off" hahahahaha. It doesn't > matter - there is no attachment to a title or name. There is just IS > and grace moves all. I do not have a thing to do with it...don't > know, don't care. > > Life IS, not two, not two > Be well and happy > May your path be blessed. > > > > > love & light, > > > > Kirsten > > S May you continue forward.... > > Om > 0 > > > > > > > >
