Nina..I am crying so hard - and almost cant read your writings on email.. but just reading from the title and know how you are, I know exactly what you are going through right now -
I am so sorry...I don't want Gracie to go --- but I do have to tell you one thing what George told me via Jasmine after he passed.. he said to me "don't cry.... we don't think of "death" in the same way as we do.. I was not afraid.. and believe me it's not the worst thing it could happen.. I am feeling fabulous now.. and I so would like to meet again with you... maybe not in this life time.. but when I meet next time.. I would like to meet in a different circumstances (he is referring to the fact that he had a physical limitations (liver problem and FIV) and the fact that he was confined in a crate for a long time.. When I had to let go Oliver (if you remember) what they did was - the vet put the IV needle first on him without anything in it.. so that I can hold him after they set it up.. then,,, they injected whatever it is afterwards..it was very peaceful in a sort of way.. no pain... it was just sad on my end because I did not want him to go.. Nina... I know it's hard to think this way.. this is not the end for Gracie.. she is going to have peaceful and painless life waiting for her after this.... please call me if you want to talk.. PS, have you talked to Jasmine and Gracie? Hideyo -----Original Message----- From: [EMAIL PROTECTED] [mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] On Behalf Of Nina Sent: Thursday, September 22, 2005 8:18 AM To: [email protected] Subject: Question about Euthanasia and my Grace My Beloved Group, First of all, I'm sorry I haven't been able to participate fully in the group this last couple of weeks. I love you all, but for the last couple of days, I haven't even been able bring myself to read the posts. I'm physically and emotionally exhausted by Grace and my last efforts to bring her back to health. Yesterday, I finally resigned myself to thinking of our time together as 'death bed vigil'. Those of you that know me, know that I pray all your babies are safe and healthy, and those that are losing, or have lost the battle; my love is with you. I don't know what I would have done without the love and support of this group. You have been a Godsend to me and my sweet fur angels. Yesterday morning Gracie "told" me she does not want to stay. Among other signs, I was syringe feeding her and she refused to swallow. I'm trying my best to make peace with her decision. I know you understand. She hasn't eaten on her own for a long time now and she's skin and bones. She spent a nice peaceful day, and I did my best to just "be with her". During the afternoon she made it clear that she didn't want to be sung to, or touched. It's so hard on me to watch her pull away. At one point, she seemed a bit agitated so I ground up a tiny bit of Valium and gave it to her in water. She was so relaxed she even did a stretch-semi roll out on the patio in the sun. She did something that startled me, and got my hopes up again. (I just can't stop believing in miracles). I was giving the dogs treats and she was laying on the couch. Well, we have this thing Grace and I. Whenever the dogs get treats she'd come bounding over the barrier and expect one too. When she saw me giving the dogs treats this afternoon, she jumped off the couch. I started to cry, because I thought, there's no way she's going to take a treat. I put one in front of her anyway and you could have knocked me over with a sigh. It took her a minute to decide to eat it, but she not only ate that one, but 3 more. Then she ate 3 or 4 pieces of kibble! My hopes were short lived though. I've been up with her most of the night. She still doesn't want my attention. She doesn't even want me to look at her, it's breaking my heart to say goodbye, and I guess it may be making it harder for her to go, although that is not my intention. It's not like I don't want her to leave her body, I do. I want her suffering to be over. Yesterday, when I knew it was time, I called my Internist's office to see if Dr. Ortega would be willing to help her cross. Grace has always liked Dr. Ortega, and I thought she would be calmest with her. Well, my Internist isn't going to be in the office until Friday. It doesn't seem possible that Grace will still be here by then. My stance has always been, that when I know it's the end, when I know that the chance of a recovery after treatment isn't possible, then it's time to help them cross. Even though Grace is peaceful, (she just lays on her side and breathes shallow, but relaxed breaths), I have a hard time letting nature take it's course. It's arrogant of me, but I can't stand seeing her like this. I'm also so worried about her being in pain, when I look in her eyes, she doesn't seem in pain, but she doesn't seem like herself either. I wouldn't mind vacant, but it's almost like she's... not quite angry, more like annoyed to still be here. Just to let you know... Over the past week or so, I think I may have mentioned it, we've been following an extensive homeopathic regime with the help of a practitioner named Darla Palmer. While it didn't save Grace, it did bring her back into her body, and for brief glorious moments, back to me. It was such a joy to see the Grace I know and love shining out of her eyes again. Anyway, here's my question: Can anyone tell me how difficult it is to put an animal to sleep in an emaciated condition? Of course, I don't want to make things harder on her, I want to ease her suffering. What if they can't find a vein, because they're so small? I just want to know what to expect. I'm thinking of calling a house call vet to see if he can come today, but I don't want this to be harder on Grace. I'm still struggling with the thought that my underlying motives might be to make things easier on me. I just want to do what's right for Grace. My judgement is clouded, my mind and heart are clouded as well. I don't even have the energy to read this post over to see if it makes sense. Thanks for always caring, Nina
