Patti,
These decisions are really hard. I usually op to try
treatments too, unless at the start they just sound so invasive that
they will ruin current quality of life. Chemo can sometimes make them
feel a lot better. That was certainly the case for Simon while it
lasted. With my dog Nubi, it did not obviously make her better and we
think it killed her in the end, as she died fairly suddenly and not of
the symptoms we expected, a little after getting a new chemo agent.
But then again she lived past initial expectations and went for a very
long walk the day before she died, and died very peacefully, so maybe
the chemo was good for her in the end. We chose not to do chemo with
our dog Fern because we would also have had to do surgery and radiation
and they did not expect it all to help all that much, and instead we
did an experimental medical treatment in a study and some herbs and
acupuncture and she outlasted her prognosis by a factor of three. I am
glad we did not do it with her. But until it became clear that she
would outlive her prognosis for having chemo, I constantly wondered if
we were doing the right thing by not giving it to her. I feel fairly
sure from your description that I would have made the same decisions
you did with Bear. I probably would now blame myself for any suffering
he had, as you are doing. But the point is that I would have decided
the same thing at the time. And the truth is that there must have been
hope or you would not have done it, and if he had recovered you would
have thanked god a million times for having made the decision to do
it. It just did not work out that way. We do not have control over
end results. We can only make decisions based on information we have. I
am one who tends to hold on to hope until the end, and it seems like
you are, or were, as well. When it works and they get more happy
times, we can be glad we held on. When it doesn't, we blame ourselves.
But just think of how you would feel if you had not tried and you then
heard of another dog who did the chemo and survived. You would feel so
strongly that you had cheated Bear of a chance to live. We can take
responsibility for the choices we make, but we can not pretend we have
control over the end results of them. If the choices were clear and we
knew the results they would lead to, decisions would hardly be
decisions. They would be givens.
I have more trouble than anyone else with blaming myself for the
outcome no matter what I do, so it is not like I have been able to
internalize the message I just wrote. But I am working on trying to,
because I think it is right.
Michelle
