Ah Nina, please do not feel repentant or sad, Spencer has found the energy to communicate directly and compassionately to you. If there is one thing that we can not lose it is faith in these cats to know life in a way that is much simpler and purer than we can. You have been open to his desires and loving to his needs and passionate about leading him where you believe that he wants to go. Now, with the strength from who knows where, he is again leading. Don't stop looking, but be gentle and understanding in your efforts.
I often look back at situations and am baffled by something that I said/did, or didn't say/do, that was really out of character. I reflect on how there was a little voice saying, "this is weird", or the absence of the little voice that would normally be speaking, but the outcome, couldn't have happened unless I acted as I had. I feel in these circumstances that these are the times that something greater has stepped in. Mitichlorians (from Star Wars - the "force"), God, fate, chance, I don't know the word for it, but it happens. Something that even in ourselves can not be explained as to why we did something, I believe to have been influenced by something larger.
You were open to Spencer communicating with you. Nina, she of continual words of love and advice and understanding to us, he has.
I so hope that this doesn't seem harsh. I am crying now writing it to you, I am all on board with fist shaking and wanting to be selfish and wanting to be selfish and wanting to be selfish and not let them go. You have helped me so much through my recent time of pain, I just want to send the biggest hug through the computer to you, put my hands on your shoulders and just let you know that you have not acted for a second in any way that wasn't the kindest, most loving, and compassionate towards Spencer, nor are you now in your tears and your searching, and to let you know that he knows that. You took him to the vet for momentary pain to make things better, he would never put you through momentary pain either unless it was to eventually make things better. He would NEVER want you to feel guilt for letting him choose what to do next.
It's true, you don't know what is happening with him, but on a deeper level, you do know. And you know that whatever occurs, he is with you and he is okay. He is stronger than we are and he is thanking you for everything. And we don't know what will happen. A quiet place also means healing. The vet wasn't able to determine what was happening in him. Maybe Spencer knows and knows that he needs to be alone for a while to heal. I have heard of this happening. Every time I've gone to force feed one of mine, I think of a story that a friend told me of a cat she owned decades ago that didn't eat for 5 days. This was before everyone "knew" to force feed. Her cat secluded herself, ran a fever, didn't eat until she came out of the fast, the fever broken, and started to chow down. Even in a situation that we know that we know, before we were so certain, life still acted as it will.
Don't lose faith in your friend, and don't lose faith in yourself.
I hope that all is well with you both. Strong mitichlorian thoughts in your direction.
Leslie
Date: Tue, 05 Sep 2006 17:21:53 -0700
From: Nina <[EMAIL PROTECTED] >
Subject: Re: Spencer update
To: [email protected]
Message-ID: <[EMAIL PROTECTED] >
Content-Type: text/plain; charset=ISO-8859-1; format=flowed
I have awful news. Spencer has gone missing. It's completely my fault,
I don't know what I was thinking. I left for appointments this morning
and deliberately left the door open for the dogs and cats. I've been
doing this forever, but I knew Spencer was very sick, I know that cats
can decide to find a quiet place to pass on their own, yet I left the
door open. In the six months that Spencer has been with us he rarely
goes outside and when he does it's to keep me company in the yard.
Whenever I call to him, he comes running like a puppy. I can only fear
the worst. I talked with a couple of ACs and they said that he was
looking for quiet and solitude, things that are in very short supply
around this madhouse. I've been combing the bushes and going through
the neighbor's yards all day. If he's still moving, if he wants to, I'm
praying that he'll come home. It even went through my mind to shut him
up before I left this morning, but I didn't think he'd be moving off his
bed much and I don't know, I didn't really process this thought, but I
didn't want him to feel like a prisoner either. He's been so good
through his illness. The vets last night kept commenting about how
sweet he was, I just hated to force anything on him.
I just wanted to let you all know. I can't think of a punishment graver
than not knowing what happened to him. I'm doing my best to not think
of this in terms of punishment at all, just what is. It's too late to
close the barn door now. I've gone through the frantic mode of finding
him gone, been crying as I search, right now I'm feeling really numb.
When I called Bruce at work to tell him, he asked me why I would want to
have forced him to die in the house with us if that's not what he
wanted. I could only come up with selfish answers for that one. The
hardest part of all this is that I may never know. I'm still praying
that he walks in the door.
Feeling repentant and very very sad,
Nina
