RE: Spencer and making decisions (was my vet's office called)

[Hideyo Yamamoto]

Nina – I am crying as I type for all different reasons as you know..   Nina, I think that’s why Spencer decided to come back for you.. he suspected that you are going to give him what he wanted – enjoy whatever the time he has with you.. Having to have lost three of my cats, Hannibal, Naomi and Peter during the past few months, and facing possible Dharma may have FIP --- there is no guarantee of anything unfortunately.. But I know that Spencer is living in this moment and he is enjoying his life with you, I would not exchange it for anything..   Remember, our animals perceives “death” very differently from us.. they know – it does not mean “the end” – their life continues to go one.. but on the other hand, it’s harder on us, because we cannot see it. they are not afraid of “death” like we are.. they are much more perceptive.. George once told me through my AC, “momma, don’t think of me, just a powerless little cat, I am much more than that.. I have a lot more to offer….sometimes, we fail to see what’s really inside of the body because of their little and innocent body..   Hugs to you and Spence..   Love,   Hideyo   From: [EMAIL PROTECTED] [mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] On Behalf Of Nina Sent: Thursday, September 14, 2006 1:22 PM To: felvtalk@felineleukemia.org Subject: Re: Spencer and making decisions (was my vet's office called)   I just called to cancel my appointment today and send the message about my disappointment that the vet was unwilling to discuss things over the phone.  They put me on hold and the vet came on with apologies for the misunderstanding.  She said she had some blunt advice for me and thought it better to discuss it in person.  Of course her "blunt" advice was no worse than the conclusions I'd already come to on my own.  They do, as does Michelle, suspect strongly that he has lymphoma.  They are still hesitant to treat for it without further confirmation, but I got the distinct impression that if I insisted, they would.  Both doctors feel that aggressive cancer treatment would, at best, buy him limited time, and disrupt the quality of life he is experiencing now.  She said that she has, in cases like this, tapered the steroid dose, (after initial daily dosing), to eod in an attempt to avoid prolonged use reactions.  Unfortunately, the result in these cases is usually the same, the cat crashes and there's no way to tell if it's a result of prolonged steroid use, the tapering of the steroid, or the lymphoma itself.  Nasty business this. So, even with discussing things over with the vet, my decision made this morning stands for now.  I wish there were some way to make Spencer "all better", since that doesn't appear to be possible, (at least not without Divine Intervention, and I don't need a vet for that), I will make the time he has the best quality that I can. Nina Nina wrote: Hello Everyone, That was my first reaction too.  I even said to the vet's assistant that I needed my answers BEFORE I brought Spencer in again.  It was her suggestion to bring him anyway.  Let me clarify something ...  The doctor that is insisting on the consultation in person is not my regular internist.  She got on the case because when Spencer was failing, my regular vet was not on duty and I wanted him seen asap.  I've been tip toeing around trying not to offend this woman, she has been pretty good for the most part and I figured three heads were better than two. I've been thinking long and hard about all this, as you can imagine.  I have been talking to Spencer, doing my best to make a decision based on everyone's best interests.  The pressure to decide quickly (given that remission is more likely in the beginning stages of cancer), has made it all the more difficult to think clearly.  I'm disappointed that the vet won't discuss things over the phone and I don't have enough history with her to assume she's right in insisting that I come in there.  Perhaps she's just tired of trying to discuss things with me over the phone and through a third party.  (Every answer she gives me prompts two or three more questions). Looking at Spencer, seeing the burst of quality life the steroid shots have given him, suspecting that putting him through the tests, office visits and treatments, will at best buy him more time, but not necessarily QUALITY time...  I'm having a hard time making my decision final by writing to all of you about it, but I am very close to deciding to stop all hope of a medical intervention miracle and just enjoy the time we have together as things stand.  That doesn't mean that I'll ever give up hope that Spencer will somehow miraculously rally, that by some chance he doesn't have cancer at all, it's all a big mistake and he'll just continue to improve and get well.  I have, however, been around this disease long enough to recognize the sounding of the closing bell when I hear it.  I can't tell you the number of times my heart has sank reading posts on this list from kitty guardians with the same symptoms that Spencer has presented. I was discussing with my sister yesterday about how reluctant I am to put Spencer through any more stress.  About how even if we did get a definitive diagnosis of a specific cancer, I'm not at all sure I'd want to treat him for it.  Something my sister said has been echoing through my mind...  She said, it seemed to her that putting Spencer through a battery of tests with the HOPE, (not the suspicion), of it being something curable, was not reason enough to disturb what may very well be his last days.   I've always been grateful when one of my loved ones has had good final days with a quick and peaceful passing.  Buying more time with Spencer, if that's even possible, does not seem worth the cost. I just got a call from Hideyo.  Hideyo reminded me that animals live in the NOW.  Taking a moment away from the rambling I've been doing to you kind folks has helped.  I  went and gave Spencer some food.  Petting him as he ate, I felt some of this awful weight lifting from both our shoulders.  I'm not saying I won't change my mind again, but I'm feeling a sense of calm and peace that has been rare since Spence first started showing symptoms.  It leads me to believe I'm on the right track here.  He came back from what seemed like the dead to be with me.  That's just what I'm going to allow him to do; BE with me in the now. Thanks for being my sounding board and indulging me while I think out loud.  As always, I'm so very grateful to the support of this group, Nina