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I've had several situations where I contributed to a cat's death. You can
let it eat you up inside, OR you can call it a lesson and try to take what you
learned and use it in a way to benefit other cats, and in that, you can find a
balance of knowing that even though you made a mistake, you took what you
learned and used it to HELP in so many MORE ways, that you can live with it. If
I hadn't learned that lesson years ago, I would have killed myself by now. I
live with the guilt, but I don't let it consume me, and every time I get a
chance, I use what I learned to HELP another cat in honor of the cat I lost
because of my stupidity. Sometimes I even say it out loud, "This is in honor of
Kiki, thank you for teaching me the lesson I needed to learn to help this cat
now." or "This is in honor of Moogie, thank you for opening my eyes so that I
could learn the things I need to know to help this cat now."
If everyone just wallowed in self pity or imploded into a living train
wreck at their mistakes, we'd never make any progress on changing things for the
better. It's only by living through our mistakes and learning from them, that we
can find new ways to work through the problems we face and effect positive
changes in the world.
Behind me right now, as I sit here at my desk, are four cats sleeping
contently on my bed. Two of them wouldn't be so happy now if I hadn't made
the mistakes I made in the past at the cost of a precious life. Bones, in the
upper left of the bed, had a broken back, from my past experience with Do-Dah, I
learned that that is not a death sentence, and now Bones is here as a reminder
of the lesson I learned from that experience. Mythic, on the bottom of the bed
is a local stray I took in years ago, because he was roaming outside, I took him
in because of Kiki, who was hit by a car because of my stupidity years ago, now
Mythic wont get killed by a car because of the lesson I learned back then. In
EVERY thing that happens in your life, there is a lesson. Sometimes it's not one
you wanted to learn, and sometimes it's vague and hard to even find, but it's
there. There's a saying that I hate to quote, because I'm not a religious
person, but it's so true (and it could be any higher power behind it anyways,
whichever one you think may exist), it says "God never gives you more
than you can handle." It's true, it may hurt beyond belief, it may send you for
a loop, you may take YEARS to assimilate it, but if you just dig for the lesson
in things, you can ALWAYS get through it if you can put it in the right
perspective!
Phaewryn
----- Original Message -----
Sent: Monday, November 06, 2006 3:51
PM
Subject: Re: Please add to the CLS - and
HELP - long, sorry
Thanks. Daisy was just so precious to not just me but to
the kids and staff here. Everyone, even the little kids, knew that she
had feline leukemia and that she might have a shorter life -- but this just
blindsided us all. I had one student, a teenager, who heard that
Daisy had died - and came up to me and said "Daisy died? You let my
Daisy die? I hate you for letting my Daisy die. I'm never coming in the
library again." And then she hauled off and hit me. I just told
her that it was ok - that when she died I wanted to hit someone, too. Of
all the feleuk babies I have, I think I was most aware with Daisy of each day
being a gift. If anything I did contributed to her death.......I just
couldn't stand it.
Jennifer Phaewryn O'Gwynn
<[EMAIL PROTECTED]> wrote:
Don't assume YOU injured her Susan! Just because she MAY have gotten
hurt, doesn't mean YOU did it. Trust me as someone with a lot of experience
in that area, YOU can't control their every move! I lost one that fell from
a laundry basket on the coffeetable. He fell less than 2 feet, and broke his
back. They do get hurt, all own their own. My mom chose to euth one of
her cats, she got behind the stove and pulled a major ligament in her rear
leg, and was dragging it (this was before I learned about cats making
excellent amputee candidates). My Doobie has only half the function in his
tail because he a double hung window slammed down on it, and he was
thrashing, hanging by his tail until I could get to him and release his
tail. NONE of those things were my fault, as much as I blamed myself at the
time. Accidents simply happen, that's why it's so very important to NEVER
take a single day for granted.
Phaewryn
----- Original Message -----
Sent: Monday, November 06, 2006 2:47
PM
Subject: Re: Please add to the CLS -
and HELP - long, sorry
Man. Than I may actually have injured her and caused
her death myself rather than it being from the
feleuk.
Jennifer Phaewryn O'Gwynn <[EMAIL PROTECTED]> wrote:
Susan, I'm sorry to hear you lost so many babies in September, what
a terrible month it must have been! I'll send good vibes for your
currently ill babies, and I hope you don't suffer any more losses any
time soon!
As far as your description of your "shell shock" cat, Daisy, YES, I
have seen that once before, just like you described it. It happened with
I had a cat that had kittens, she was moving them behind the stove, and
she dropped one, and it's head was just big enough to catch between a
gas line and the wall (with it's body dangling), I saw it very quickly,
and carefully lifted it out, but the kitten had the same symptoms you
described, along with a general air of being confused and constant
crying in a bizarre way. She died about an hour later. I THINK she had
damaged her spinal cord, OR she was without oxygen, but I don't think
that was it, because it was only seconds she hung that way. So, your
idea of a injury sounds right, possibly a neck injury effecting the
spinal column. It was heartbreaking to watch, I held her until she died,
and she cried constantly, I really didn't think it would take an hour,
or I would have made the drive to the vet for euth. I feel guilty about
that, she was only about a week or two old. She finally took one long
breath, wiggled and tossed her head, and just died. I think watching
momma cat try to find her for weeks after that was the hardest part,
especially since I had yelled at her for moving them under the STOVE and
blamed her for the baby's injury.
Phaewryn
----- Original Message -----
Sent: Monday, November 06, 2006
12:12 PM
Subject: Please add to the CLS -
and HELP - long, sorry
Please add my sweet (felv neg) Bessie to the CLS - she died
Sept.26th. She was a little tortie manx who'd had heartworms
when rescued about 5 years ago. Daily pred helped her survive
the death of the heartworms and she was one of my "library cats", who
regularly came to school with me. Such a sweet and gentle girl -
she did the cutest little trick of standing right next to me with one
of her hind feet -- always a hind foot - resting on my foot. The
heartworms left her with right heart damage which we weren't aware
of. She began throwing clots to her lungs and brain.
Please also add my little foster fella, Stinky, who was felv
positive. He died on 9/25. He was the cutest little tabby
- always full of life and mischief, only 8 months old. Healthy
up until the last week and then boom.
And please add my precious, precious Daisy (feleuk pos) also -
she died on Sept. 15. Daisy. How do I describe
her. She was technically my foster baby but so much more.
Last year she came to school with me every day. She is the only
kitty I've ever had who came to me every time I called. I'd call
"Dai-doo" and in return get this little "yip-yow" from wherever
she was and here she'd come trotting to me as fast as she could.
She followed me around the library every step I took and the whole
staff and student body were in love with her. I could take her
anywhere with me on a harness and leash and she had a ball.
I got her at 4 months and she didn't come in heat until 18
months. My vet and I were trying to decide if/when to spay
her. She gaiined weight over the summer and looked so
healthy. Came into heat a second time in late
August.
She'd been on interferon and when we decided to spay her I
decided to start her on immunoregulin and wait a month or so
first. The weekend before she died, I couldn't find her one
day. I was tearing the house apart - one thing that I moved
looking for her was a bed with lots of stuff under it. I didn't
find her there -- and when she finally turned up later at the other
end of the house it was like she was shell-shocked. She looked
panicked and couldn't turn her head very well - cried like moving hurt
her. I made the assumption that she'd been under the bed I'd
moved and I'd squashed her or otherwise hurt her. Was
afraid I'd injured her neck - gave her a depo shot. She seemed
to move better and went on to have the best week she'd had in
ages. Up thru Friday night whe was fine. I couldn't find
her all day Sat - found her dead Sunday morning. Now I
wonder if the last weekend's episode was feleuk related. Also -
I'd updated her respiratory vaccs in late August -- wouldn't have done
except that I have so many chronic URI fosters.
Has anyone ever experienced anything like
this?
She was just 22 months old and her death has completely broken my
heart.
And now Valley - please put him on the special needs list - I
need prayers or meditation or chanting or whatever you believe in --
for a remission for the feleuk crisis he is in. He is
another of my "library cats" who comes to work with me. He
was a rescue from a kill shelter about 5 years ago - he was 1 or 2 at
the time. Feleuk positive. Looked like death warmed over
but once fattened up has been so healthy that I had him retested last
year to see if he'd reverted to neg.
He began losing weight about 2 weeks ago - gums pale as
snow. Blood work shows a hematocrit of 7 -
almost not compatible with life. He is still somewhat
active - gets off the bed to go to the litterbox and sometimes to the
rest of the house. Will eat if I put food in front of him.
His vet thought we could get a remission until the blood work
came back. He is getting raw liver, Clindamycin, 5mg pred
every day, PetTinic, interferon. I have immunoregulin and could
try that. I asked about Epogen and the way my vet
explained it is that with feline leukemia, where the bone marrow is
basically "dead" and not going to produce red cells, to give Epogen
would be like knocking on the door when nobody is home. We
decided against blood transfusions due to the stress and the short
term result. Does anyone have any
ideas?
I apologize for the length of this. Thanks for
reading.
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