Oh Michelle, I'm so sorry. I can't even imagine how awful it must be to
be in the middle of this torment and feel like you have to stay away
from the usual support of the list because we've hurt you even more.
I'm so upset, I've been so upset right along side you throughout this.
All I want to do is ease your burdens and help Lucy in whatever way I
can and I'm falling so short of doing that. It sounds familiar, huh?
Maybe I should take my own advice and stop struggling so hard to help
"fix" things. I wasn't sure if I should write to you. I wasn't sure if
any thing I had to say would be welcome. I've given you my phone
number, I'm here supporting you day and night, even if you never pick up
the phone. I don't want to intrude any more than I have, I just wanted
you to know that I care and I'm so sorry for all you guys are going through.
You asked how you would know what Lucy wants, how to know if she is
ready ... That's part of the reason I've been so insistent about
quieting yourself, quieting all the stress, you need to be quiet and
still to "hear" her. The experience I had with Spencer will stay with
me forever. That last day shared with him was full of love and magic.
I've never been more connected in love with another being. It wasn't
like I planned to call the vet when he could no longer hold up his head,
until he was so exhausted that he no longer was able to move, I simply
waited until I /knew/ he was ready. Until I knew we were through saying
our goodbyes. It was sort of like seeing someone off at the railway
terminal and even though their train isn't leaving for another couple of
hours, it's still time to part, there's nothing more to say or
experience, so you walk away with a hug and a kiss and tears running
down your face. He truly seemed to be telling me, it's okay Mom, it's
time for me to leave. From what you last described with Lucy, it
doesn't sound like she's there yet. Only the three of you will know if
she wants help crossing. No one else can tell you that. Trust the
connection you share, you said that you have made arrangements if her
suffering becomes too great, in the meantime bask in her companionship
for as long as you can.
It may seem ridiculous, but I'm still praying for miracles. I'm praying
for you, Gray and Lucy to share the kind of intimacy that Spencer and I
had. I'm praying for strength and comfort for you. I'm praying that
you feel the love that so many people are sending your way to try and
help you through this.
Maybe it's not such a bad thing to go off list for a while. This time
is sacred and I know you want to focus your attention on Lucy, if being
on list causes you more anguish, or pulls your attention from Lucy in
any way, then staying away from the computer may be what you need to do.
With much love,
Nina
