The problems in my little family started on March 9 when I took my poor
anemic Tomi to the vet and found out he had FeLV. The next day, I hauled my
4 other cats to the vet and found out Kisa (2.5 years old, the same as Tomi)
also tested positive. I realize now that I was living in a nice ignorant
bliss before this day.
For me, the anxiety and sadness hasn't been able to go away yet, simply
because we've been in a state of crisis with 3 different cats ever since.
When I first learned of the diagnosis, I was so stressed out, I could hardly
even eat anything for about a week. Food just turned my stomach.
Then I watched Tomi get worse and worse for nearly 2 months. His red blood
cell count kept going down slowly, and the vet wanted to put him to sleep
before he went into respiratory distress. Well he very nearly got to that
point. It was the worst weekend of my life when he got so bad that I
thought for sure he would die overnight. Somehow though, he pulled through
that, and got better. He's been getting better for a month now.
Sadly, I haven't had much time to enjoy his recovery, because shortly after
that, my 15 yr old cat Koda got sick and died in less than a week of acute
liver and kidney failure. That may possibly have been cancer, but she went
too fast to diagnose anything.
We barely buried Koda, when Kisa started vomiting and wouldn't eat. This
past weekend watching Kisa fade away, is just as bad if not worse as the
weekend where Tomi was so sick, because we've had to torment her with force
feedings.
I'm really getting worn out here. I don't know if i'll ever recover from
all of this.
I know how you feel though, I also wake up every couple of hours to check on
my kitties when they are so sick. I bring my sick kitties into the bedroom
where kitties aren't normally allowed. Kisa has been sleeping between my
husband and me, and while she is there, I basically only doze, waking up
frequently to watch her.
I find the hardest part to be the anticipation of losing a baby, and
watching them get weaker and weaker, wondering if you've done all you can
possibly do for them. All I can do is mope around the house, wishing time
would go by faster, and the worry and sadness are almost too much to bear.
Whether one can find acceptance of the disease, and just appreciate your
time with them, I don't know because i'm not there yet. I am full of
stress, worry, and i'm probably bordering on depression by now. Maybe if
things can just stabilize for awhile, and I can recover from the emotional
and financial strain, i'll be able to relax and appreciate my babies while I
have them.
Just pray that MeMe will be one of the kitties that can live for many years
without showing any serious signs of the disease. There's no sense worrying
about her a great deal if she is relatively healthy. Just giver her extra
love, a healthy diet, and whatever supplements you can that may boost her
immune system.
This whole nightmare has definately changed my life a great deal. It has
removed alot of my blissful ignorance, and taught me not to take for granted
today, what I could lose tomorrow. I just hope I can regain some happiness,
if and when this ordeal will ever come to an end.
Cassandra
----- Original Message -----
From: "Jane Lyons" <[EMAIL PROTECTED]>
To: <felvtalk@felineleukemia.org>
Sent: Monday, May 28, 2007 8:11 AM
Subject: questions
Cassandra you and Kisa are in my thoughts and prayers.
Does the anxiety and sadness ever go away? I feel as though
I am still in shock with the diagnosis. I feel I am back to the place
I was when my 19 year old (NoNo) was failing and I would wake up every
few hours to make sure she was ok. The feelings of impending loss
and sadness became like a low grade fever for many months. When it
became clear that she was in pain and had to cross, I was prepared and
relieved to be free of the fear and anxiety and sadness that became a part
of the end of her long and happy life and our infinite bond.
When I brought this kitten (MeMe) home, I was exhilarated by her sweetness
and
smitten by the antics of a young cat. It had been a long time since
someone had
propelled themselves across the room from a counter top to the back of my
neck.
She sleeps between us in the same spot that NoNo had for 19 years.
The Feline Leukemia diagnosis has brought back the sadness and bittersweet
feelings
of loss and mortality and connectedness. While I am committed to doing
whatever I can to
give her the best care and support available, will I ever be able to hold
her and kiss her
without a surge of sadness and regret and longing? Does the shock of this
disease ever move
to a place of acceptance and appreciation for the present time and moment.
I realize that what I am asking has to do with my own consciousness and
ability to live in
the moment with gratitude that I selected this dear, sweet being to love
and care for.
She's sitting on my lap, purring and I am typing. I guess that is an
answer.
Thanks for listening.
Jane
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