On 8/26/07, Timothy Groves <[EMAIL PROTECTED]> wrote:
> Tail Kinker Presents
>
>
> Pale Horse
>
>
> Chapter 11: The Bitter End
I enjoyed this. Since I've never seen Bleach, I had some doubts about
it to begin with, but you did a very good job of leaving the Bleach
elements transparent and clear. It wasn't hard to follow at all.
As for the Ranma basis of the story, you diverged a little more from
the original character that I'm usually fond of. One way you redeemed
this was that the characters themselves noticed how they were acting
and reacted to it. You didn't try to sneak anything past us, which was
nice. Still, you fell into the trap of Ranma weakening. I found it
terribly hard to believe that post Saffron ranma would have problems
in the fighting parts like he did. The emotional confusion, certainly.
Fighting? I doubt it, but that's minor.
Over all your pacing was nice, mostly dialogue and a lot of simple
explanations that made the new source material easy to digest. The
New-To-Me characters were a little hard to keep straight. Perhaps a
bit more description of them, pointing out their differences or traits
so we can connect the name to personnality better? Reffering to Masami
as Ranma's sometime's student, perhaps giving Isanowhatever she was
called a title and using that, or consistently calling one "the blue
haired broad" or whatever would help out. Epithets like that are an
old technique. They also break up the monotony of he did this, she
said that. It would especially help us non-Bleach fans.
Plot worked fine. Storyline was logical, easy to follow, and supported
the pacing well. I wasn't very fond of the dream/psychological
sequence involving Akane. It didn't work for me. Shrug.
Oh, finally, the rate at which you released chapters onto the list was
very good. That was about half the reason I started reading it. Good
job on that.
Peace
Miashara
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