Matthew Miller wrote: > On 8/26/07, Timothy Groves <[EMAIL PROTECTED]> wrote: > > >> Tail Kinker Presents >> >> >> Pale Horse >> >> >> Chapter 11: The Bitter End >> > > I enjoyed this. Since I've never seen Bleach, I had some doubts about > it to begin with, but you did a very good job of leaving the Bleach > elements transparent and clear. It wasn't hard to follow at all. > That was kind of my goal. :) Others have commented that I should do the same with the Ranma elements, to keep the Bleach readers straight. > As for the Ranma basis of the story, you diverged a little more from > the original character that I'm usually fond of. One way you redeemed > this was that the characters themselves noticed how they were acting > and reacted to it. You didn't try to sneak anything past us, which was > nice. Still, you fell into the trap of Ranma weakening. I found it > terribly hard to believe that post Saffron ranma would have problems > in the fighting parts like he did. The emotional confusion, certainly. > Fighting? I doubt it, but that's minor. > It was stated that Ranma had lost some power when he split into two; I figured it was a fair assumption for the other Cursed when their curses were beaten out of them. However, I'll go back over that again. As to the personality changes, the stuff that the NWC goes through this time around is harsh even by their standards. But I intend to go back over it to polish it up, so your comments help a lot. > Over all your pacing was nice, mostly dialogue and a lot of simple > explanations that made the new source material easy to digest. The > New-To-Me characters were a little hard to keep straight. Perhaps a > bit more description of them, pointing out their differences or traits > so we can connect the name to personnality better? Reffering to Masami > as Ranma's sometime's student, perhaps giving Isanowhatever she was > called a title and using that, or consistently calling one "the blue > haired broad" or whatever would help out. Epithets like that are an > old technique. They also break up the monotony of he did this, she > said that. It would especially help us non-Bleach fans. > Isane was a supporting character from Bleach, and Masami was original; the other Shinigami were token appearances only - one, the female lead from the series, wasn't even named in this story. But I'll see how I can clean that up as well. > Plot worked fine. Storyline was logical, easy to follow, and supported > the pacing well. I wasn't very fond of the dream/psychological > sequence involving Akane. It didn't work for me. Shrug. > Personally, I think it was my favourite chapter to write. Others seemed to like it. Ah well, to each their own. > Oh, finally, the rate at which you released chapters onto the list was > very good. That was about half the reason I started reading it. Good > job on that. > That was the roughest month I've ever spent. :) Next time, I'm gonna pace it at one chapter per week, instead of trying to do one per two days. One per two days didn't work out so well anyway. > Peace > Miashara > Thanks for writing!
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