The Eternal Lost Lurker wrote:
>
> Here's the revised draft of chapter five, with a lot of the problems ironed
> out. It's still not perfect, but I think this is about as good as it's
> going to get.
Roger.
Standard C&C Disclaimer: All the below is my only occasionally useful
humble opinion, my only occasionally correct grammatical and spelling
corrections, and/or my only occasionally funny humor.
> Once they had seated themselves and Usagi had distributed the canned juice
> and onigiri she had brought (and a small bowl of natto for Luna, who
> unexpectedly had a taste for the foul stuff), Ami looked at the two of them
> and said, "So...please explain, in as much detail as possible, everything
> connected to this Senshi business."
This... might take a while.
> The Earth, now a dark, ruined wasteland,
> descended into an age of ignorance and hardship, and by the time the
> civlisations of Sumer and Mesopotamia rose to power, Arcanus, Beryl, and the
> Empire of the Moon were long forgotten, purged from living memory.
That's a pretty big info-dump there, and worse it's an info dump of
mainly information that the reader already knows the gist of. I'm
assuming that some of the subtle details will prove to be important,
otherwise I'd suggest just cutting this down to a paragraph or two and
letting the reader fill in the rest.
Just in case you ever decide to give this chapter another draft, my
advice would be to take advantage of the fact that it's Luna telling the
story to spice things up a little. She's hardly a neutral observer,
after all; it actually seems a little out of character for her to be so
dispassionate about this.
> "The Ginzuishou," Luna interrupted. "Keep in mind that the Senshi were
> created by binding the entire magical energy of a planet to a living soul.
> The Moon's magical power had already been bound to the Maboroshi no
> Ginzuishou. It wouldn't have been poss..." She trailed off, eyes widening.
> "It shouldn't be possible. There can't be both a Ginzuishou *and* a Senshi."
Hmm. Interesting.
> "So...the Ginzuishou doesn't exist anymore?" Usagi asked.
Not sure if they'll exist in this story's universe, but being split into
the Rainbow Crystals might count as not existing, I suppose...
> She trailed off as the man across the street turned, noticed her, and
> dropped the cup he was holding.
>
> "FUCK!" she spat. Without a second glance at her client, she broke into a
> run.
Well, that's an interesting way to end the chapter...
As usual, not much in the way of useful comments, but I'm continuing to
enjoy the story.
--
Aaron Nowack
"Never let reality get in the way of a good hypothesis."
http://www.mimiru.net/
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