> > and said, "So...please explain, in as much detail as possible,
everything
> > connected to this Senshi business."
>
> This... might take a while.
No kidding.
> > Empire of the Moon were long forgotten, purged from living memory.
>
> That's a pretty big info-dump there, and worse it's an info dump of
> mainly information that the reader already knows the gist of. I'm
> assuming that some of the subtle details will prove to be important,
> otherwise I'd suggest just cutting this down to a paragraph or two and
> letting the reader fill in the rest.
Well, there's several things about that.
1. The infodump is necessary to brief the characters on their history, and
it'd seem awkward to skip over it.
2. I'm writing this with the mentality of creating a version of the story
which is accessible to people who have never seen or read Sailormoon before.
3. Some of the details of the history are just different enough to matter,
and
4. There ARE things which will become more important later.
> Just in case you ever decide to give this chapter another draft, my
> advice would be to take advantage of the fact that it's Luna telling the
> story to spice things up a little. She's hardly a neutral observer,
> after all; it actually seems a little out of character for her to be so
> dispassionate about this.
Right, except I've already rewritten it to take the infodump OUT of Luna's
mouth, to avoid having to do PRECISELY what you just suggested. Trust me,
it's better this way. X_X
> > "It shouldn't be possible. There can't be both a Ginzuishou *and* a
Senshi."
>
> Hmm. Interesting.
Yes, isn't it?
> > "So...the Ginzuishou doesn't exist anymore?" Usagi asked.
>
> Not sure if they'll exist in this story's universe, but being split into
> the Rainbow Crystals might count as not existing, I suppose...
OK...I'll say this right now, because it's not giving anything away really:
I am NOT doing the Seven Great Youma/Rainbow Crystals thing. If anything,
this is going to be closer to what PGSM did (I assume, I haven't actually
finished watching that [EMAIL PROTECTED]@;;), and even then not PRECISELY the
same.
> > "FUCK!" she spat. Without a second glance at her client, she broke into
a
> > run.
>
> Well, that's an interesting way to end the chapter...
Yes, isn't it?
> As usual, not much in the way of useful comments, but I'm continuing to
> enjoy the story.
Thanks for reading and replying!
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